To Kill a Sparkly Vamp
by CeleryRox
Summary: A collection of 50 Buffy vs Edward oneshots, ending with everyone's least favorite vamp staked, beheaded by a garden gnome, hit by ice cream truck, beaten with his own spine, and much more! TO BE CONTINUED VERY SOON. Caution: "Angel" characters too.
1. Cafeteria

**A/N:**

**Hi! This is my first story, you know the drill, blah blah blah de blah. It's just a collection of one shots, all ending with Buffy staking Edward. Why am I writing it? Coz it's fun. I don't want to offend anyone, I know there are a lot of Twilight fans out there. If you don't like my story, flames are welcome. Seriously, don't be afraid to speak your mind. I respect your opinion.**

**--CeleryRox**

Chapter One: Cafeteria

"Hey, why are you looking at the Cullens that way?" Jennifer asked suddenly.

I cleared my throat and scooted forward on the cafeteria bench.

"I wasn't looking at anybody." I said, stuffing my face with my sandwich.

"Yeah, you totally were!" Jennifer exclaimed, peering at me, "Oh my gosh! You like somebody!" She whirled around to stare at the Cullens. "Let me guess- Emmett? Jasper? It's not a girl, is it? Of course it isn't." She babbled

"Not so loud," I hissed through gritted teeth. A fleeting glance around the cafeteria assured me that nobody was had heard. That, or maybe spontaneous crushes on Cullens were commonplace here.

"Excuse me," A blonde girl said, brushing past me. As she turned, her black jacketed arm knocked over Jessica's milk carton. It bounced to the floor with a muffled thud.

"Hey!"

"That's not very nice!"

"Yeah! Well, good thing it was half empty anyway," Jessica grumbled.

We both watched the rude girl stride down the cafeteria.

"Wait a minute, is she walking towards the Cullens?" I whispered.

She was, indeed, walking towards the table where the Cullens sat. As she went, she reached into her jacket sleeve and pulled a slender object out of her sleeve. It looked vaguely like a pencil.

"Maybe she wants their autograph."

"What a dorky pencil, though. Did she carve it herself, or what?"

"She doesn't have a chance in hell."

The girl reached the table, crossed her arms, and tapped her foot. She was wearing high heeled boots. Who did she think she was, a superhero?

Edward looked up at her and a strange expression crossed his features. It looked like horror, but that couldn't be right. It must have been disgust, for this situation should have provoked it. In a flurry of people shoving and arm flailing, the Cullens made a grand exit. Amidst the confusion, there was a faint wooshing sound that I dismissed as the pencil girl farting.

"Hahaha, what did I tell you?" Jessica said.

"Woohoo, what an idiot."

We watched the pencil girl run after them in delayed pursuit. Then I frowned.

"Hey, did you see Edward leave with them?" I asked, looking around.

"Yes, I knew it! THAT'S who you like!"

I blushed.

Later, as we walked out, I noticed a large pile of dust on the cafeteria floor. It shimmered in the afternoon sun.

"Somebody needs to fire the janitor," I said to Jessica. She nodded in agreement.

**A/N2: Tell me what you think! Ideas for new chapters are greatly appreciated.**


	2. Office

**A/N: Hello all! Welcome to chapter 2 of To Kill a Sparkly Vamp. Thanks for everyone who's reading this, and a special thanks to dreameralways and Anon for reviewing, you guys are great. This one is a little shorter, from Buffy's POV (mostly). Enjoy and don't forget to comment! Even the short ones are appreciated.**

** --CeleryRox**

Office

When I walked into the office, I had the undeniable sense that this was a huge waste of time.

The vampire was leaning over the counter, talking to the receptionist about something or other that I really had no interest in. There was some weird girl pressed against the wall as if it would disguise her. Not being particularly beautiful, she could have passed for a wall any day, provided she dyed her hair the right color.

I pushed past wall girl, and stood behind the vampire. He had light brown hair that looked like it had been attacked with a weed whacker. It gave me this uncontrollable urge to grab sheep shears and _cut it ALL off._

The receptionist curtly told him, "I'm very sorry, but that's just not possible," and looked past him at me. "How may I help you?"

I smiled. "Oh, I'm just waiting for the hedgehog boy." She frowned, but let it past. The girl behind us made a weird snorting noise, perhaps assuming that we were going out. I dragged the vamp outside the office and shoved him against the wall without preamble. I didn't normally kill vampires in public, but this one was really getting on my nerves.

"DUDE! You messed up my hair. Not cool, man!" He flinched. "Oh, I mean, what do you want from me?" He squinted his eyes and screwed up his face like he was constipated. "You can't defeat me. I can read you like a book." He hissed.

"Do you know what a Slayer is?" I said slowly and clearly.

"Yes. The chosen one. Hey wait a- oh, crap!" He said as I staked him.

I looked at the dust pile on the floor.

"Vampires don't sparkle." I walked away, my only regret being that I didn't cut his hair first.

Inside the office, Bella glanced sideways out the door in time to see Edward vaporize to dust.

"Woah, did you see that!" she cried.

"See what?" the receptionist mumbled.

"Oh… never mind."

**A/N2: Next chapter to be posted on Monday. It's entitled As If I Could Dazzle You, and it has a special visit from everyone's favorite vampire (or at least mine). I actually already have it written and saved on my computer, but I want to pace myself (I'm evil that way). See you around, and eat your veggies.**

** PS: See the little gray box down there? Click it. It gives you good luck ****.**


	3. As If I Could Dazzle You

**A/N: Hello again! Here is the next chapter, as promised, with a special visit from: Spike! In this one shot, Edward is sells girl scout cookies and is Justin Bieber's second cousin.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Dreameralways: This one is, em, a little longer. I'm trying! How many words do you recommend? And wowie, that sequence is just plain genius. I like the part about Xander. About killing Bella: yes, just… yes.**

**Tersa InsaneWithSanity: OMG I love that video! It's my favorite.**

**Anon: Spike and Angel… That's a new one. Probably make one of those next.**

_**Disclaimer: I keep forgetting this. Well, unfortunately I don't own Buffy. Working on it, though. And if I did own Twilight, I'd sell it. I also do not own girl scout cookies, beer, contacts, or Justin Bieber.**_

**Thanks so much to those reading, and even more so to those reviewing! Don't forget to post your ideas.**

**--CeleryRox**

**As If I Could Dazzle You**

Spike was at home one night when there came a knock at his door.

"I'm not home! Come again later."

The knocking persisted.

"Fine! I'm coming."

When he opened the door, he was blinded by a light so bright and not-macho, he could feel his skin frying. And peeling.

"Bloody hell! What are you doing?"

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen. Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies? They're really good," A very feminine, but male, voice said.

"Why the hell are you sparkling, for god's bloody sake?" Spike cried, shutting the door a little.

"I'm a vampire! I sparkle and skip and sell girl scout cookies and stuff, but that's okay coz I'm HAWT! And my second cousin is Justin Beiber!"

"Vampires don't sparkle, you retard. And you're not hot, just so you know."

"So can I come in and steal your beer?" He asked winningly. He toned down the sparkles a little, just so the strange blonde guy could see how hawt he really was, or maybe, wasn't. But all Spike could see was that he had hair like a troll doll hit by a lawnmower.

"Fine. But no more freaking _sparkling_. " Spike said, with much reluctance. He had decided to teach him a thing or two about vampires, (like, how they don't sparkle) before the mad child made them all into great big poufs like Angel. Ugh. Also, forcing him to realize that he wasn't a vampire was definitely in order.

After Edward stole his beer, almost beat him in poker (almost), and repelled any attempts to reform him he was chased out of the house with a stake, a mirror, and some heavy duty makeup remover.

_The next night, Buffy's POV:_

It was a crisp evening, and Spike and I were out for a walk in the graveyard. We had just finished fighting about something, I forget what, but I do remember that it was _very _important. So we were just walking along, minding our own business, when this kid pops up in front of us. His hair makes it look as if he stuck his—not finger—but entire face in a light socket. His eyes kept changing color back and forth from a pukey yellow shade to an ugly black one. He must have been wearing contacts. Very UGLY contacts.

"Do I dazzle you?" He asked dreamily. It must have been lightning, not just a mere light socket. His brains seemed a little fried to me. I exchanged a glance with Spike.

"Umm…" I began

"HEY! I know you!" Spike shouted. "You're the sparkly vampire dude! Buffy, he's an insult to vampires worldwide!"

I pulled out a stake and attacked him. Not because of the sparkly part, because of the vampire part. I really need to talk to Spike about that. But sparkly boy was too fast. He did this dorky speed thingy and ended up several feet away. (With a loud _whoosh_. Lay off the star wars, man.)

"As if you could-" he began, but was cut short when Spike popped up behind him and brained him with a conveniently placed headstone, making a strangely hollow sound. Let us give the gift of the benefit of doubt and assume it was the headstone.

"Take that, you great big pouf!" He said.

I ran up to sparkles and staked him. This warm, fuzzy feeling ran through me, starting at my toes. I felt proud of myself as if I had actually accomplished something. That dude gives me the creeps.

"Bloody hell, what did you stake him for!" Spike shouted. He ran up behind me and stared in shock at the sparkly powder that lay on the grass. Again, creepy.

"He's a vampire! What did you expect?"

"He still owes me money! That's ten bucks I will never get back!"

**A/N2: So watdidja think? Love it? Hate it? Do you feel a sudden urge to call me a wanker? Tell me about it! Next chapter to be posted on Thursday. Contains girly Tarzan yells, stalking, and both Angel and Spike (in honor of Anon).**

**Studies show that reviewing makes your computer run faster.**


	4. Ganging Up

**A/N: This chapter is coming a day early because I made plans that will not allow me to post, and I figured that it would be better to post sooner rather than later. Today's chapter: Ganging Up: Spike and Angel happen upon each other in the graveyard, and then an unwanted visitor shows up.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Dreameralways: Thanks!**

**Anon: That's his problem. I don't pay pre-established characters.**

**Thanks for reading/reviewing!**

**--CeleryRox**

**Ganging Up**

_Angle's POV_

I was wandering alone through the graveyard one night. I was just minding my own business, but by morning I would be permanently scarred for life. Or, death, maybe.

"WOOAAAIIEEEAAAH!!!"

Something large hit me in the small of my back, screaming like Tarzan, if Tarzan was a six year old girl. After flailing around for a while, I hit something squishy.

"Hey!" A voice said. So I hit again.

"Bloody hell! Quit that and just die already!" Now the voice was sounding very familiar.

"Spike?"

No, it gets worse. Trust me.

We both sat up in the nice, trimmed grass we had so kindly smashed and stared at each other in disgust and horror.

"It's… _you_." Spike said in horror. He had a black eye, hopefully from my fist. I know I never look that way after a fight.

"What are you doing in the graveyard, at night?" I asked politely.

"Stalking Bu… I mean, em, patrolling," he said.

"Oh. I'm… walking my cat."

"What cat?" He asked suspiciously.

"Oh, the one that doesn't liked to be walked. It ran away, and I was… chasing it," I said, mentally patting myself on the back for my _brilliance_.

"… I see."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Yep."

"Well, um…"

"You scream like a little girly Tarzan," I said, because that pause was really awkward.

"It's my battle cry. Respect the classics. Jeez."

"Your battle cry sucks."

"Do I dazzle you?" a voice behind us said.

Spike and I turned around to see a young dude, smiling, standing like he had to go pee, and sparkling.

"You look like a bloody freakin Christmas tree!" Spike cried.

"I'm Edward Cullen, and I SPARKLE!" He trilled.

"Okay, now that's really… strange," I managed. I began to back away slowly, and motioned for Spike to do the same. He didn't see me, though, he was too busy standing with his mouth wide open.

"Do you sparkle?" I glanced up and Edward was peering at me with his head tilted so far to the side, he must have been viewing me upside down.

"No, not usually, but sometimes on Fridays I add a little glitter; Angel, on the other hand-"

"SPIKE!" I cut him off.

"Why don't you sparkle? You must not be a vampire. Cause vampires always sparkle!" Edward said.

"You're a vampire?" I asked in shock.

"Vampires don't sparkle, you fool," Spike said.

"I'm making a club of vampires! I'm team captain leader thingy! It's called: The Scampy Vampies!"

Spike and I had the same thought at the same time: smash him before he infects the rest of us. We both jumped on IT, and punch him to sparkly pulp, but we kind of beat each other up in the process.

"I get to kill it! I saw it first!"

"You pouf! I saw it first!"

"Fine! We'll just take turns or something!"

"Fine! But I get to go first!"

_Three hours later: _

"What the heck are you guys doing?"

I wheeled around to see Buffy standing behind us in a fluffy polka dot bathrobe (Yeah, weird, I know). Spike continued punching out Sparklepouf (we named it)it was his turn, after all.

"Were beating the sparkles out of this loser," I said

"Why don't you just stake it and go to bed or something, it's two in the morning, and Spike is keeping me up with his squealing." Behind me, Spike screamed his battle cry again and upped his torment of Sparklepouf.

"I'm trying to get him to stop! And anyway, you don't get it, it sparkles you see?"

POOF! I turned around to see Sparklepouf dissolve into dust.

"Spike! It was almost my turn."

"First come, first serve. Hey look, ten bucks!"

"You could have at least let me stake it."

"Well, that would have been no fun."

Somewhere in the argument, Buffy disappeared.

"You chased her off!"

"How could I have chased her off?"

"With your bad breath and uncool hair, that's how!"

"My hair? Your hair looks like a pile of snow that a dog peed on."

"Do I dazzle you?" a guy we didn't see sneak up on us said. He had hair that was way too black and way to shiny said.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Jacob Black and I turn FUZZY when the moon is full! The ladies love it!"

We ran away screaming.

**A/N2: Wouldn't you scream too? Hope you liked the chappie. Next one will be Friday, possibly Saturday, but most likely Friday. It's not titled yet, but Bella's goin DOWN!**

**Santa Claus like reviewers best.**


	5. Three's a Crowd

**A/N: Hello again, welcome to chapter 5 of **_**To Kill a Sparkly Vamp**_**, and there has been a small change of plans. I know I said I would kill Bella, but I didn't have time to write the chapter, so I'm posting a chapter that I had already written and saved on my computer. Sorry! Will post that chapter next (if schedule provides). In this chapter, Buffy transfers to [insert school Bella and Eddie go to here] and comes up with an evil scheme to avoid suspension. And, she can't remember a name to save her life.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Anon: He is, after all, just a big Sparklepouf.**

**Hellenbackagain: Glad you like them so much! There's lots more where this comes from. (Did I say that right?)**

**Thanks again everyone for reading and reviewing, enjoy your weekend!**

**--CeleryRox **

Three's a Crowd

I stopped in front of the door to my new biology class and sighed. I had only been here one day, and already I regretted transferring here from Sunnydale. It was so… rainy in Forks. But Giles had said that there was a large vampire population, some new strain or something, so I had to stay here for a week or so. Just long enough to cut it down.

I turned the frosted silver door knob and entered the classroom. The teacher stopped talking and looked up.

"Oh, hello there! Class, this is Buffy Summers, she will be staying with us for a week or so. Buffy, you can join a group with Bella and Edward over there, wave for us Edward, they're the best students, so they should be able to keep you up to speed. Oh, I'm Mr. Banner, by the way," he said, in one breath.

I made my way to the back without saying anything. This would be a long week. When I neared the table, the girl, Bertha or whatever, glared at me and scooted away. She didn't want me here, perhaps I was intruding their privacy or something. Or I was a threat to her relationship with the Edmund dude. Eeew.

Mr. Bantha was passing out microscopes and slides. I glanced over at Edmund an took him in. His hair looked ridiculous, all shiny and tousled. It looked like he had just got out of bed. And was that hair dyed? I could see the strip of black close to his scalp. He caught me looking and smirked at me.

The box of slides hit the desk, and Bantha dropped the microscope with equal disdain. Then he walked off to yell at the people making out in the corner.

Edgar smirked at Bessie and said, "Ladies flirt. I mean, first." She just stared at his mouth.

"Gladly," I snapped, and grabbed the microscope and first slide. Edric looked shocked at my rudeness. Bethany kept staring at his mouth.

"Prophase. I think. Anyone want to…" I trailed off. Edilhard and Bessie were staring into eachother's eyes. I reached over to tap them, but as I did so my elbow knocked over the microscope. It clattered to the floor. I looked around, and realized that nobody noticed.

I grabbed the contorted mess of metal and plastic and, with a flick of my wrist, sent it flying out the open window. I glanced at Edvard and frowned. Belda was still looking at his eyes, but he was smelling her neck. I glanced at his teeth—pointed. His eyes were a different color. We have our first vampire. I began to sharpen my pencil as a devious plan struck me.

I glanced out the window. "Hey! What the heck is THAT?" The entire class rushed to the window. It was distraction enough for Becka to glance away.

POOF! I ran Edmund through with the pencil. Then I shouted, "Stop! Thief! He's getting away with the telescope! STAKE HIM! I mean, get him!" the girl looked at me.

"Bertie, did you see that? Evan stole the microscope!" I said.

"Um, I'm Bella. And his name is Edward."

"Oh, whatever."

**A/N2: Short, I know, sorry. Next chapter, Bella should die, but if I don't have time, I'll post another chapter from my arsenal, called **_**Nut Job**_** (yes, pun intended). Edward gets Edward Junior kicked. Will post on Sunday, according to the pattern I have so diligently maintained.**

**Only reviewers win the lottery. Do it.**


	6. Dinner is Served

**A/N: Chapter 6 WOO! I will rule da world! This one is a lot longest, about twice as long as my previous record. I did get around to writing the Bella dies one, so here it is!**

**To my reviewers:**

**Anon- Yes. Must be more creative in destroying sparkles.**

**Enjoy!**

**--CeleryRox**

_**Update: Alert- This does not match up with the description of Renesmee in the book. In this adaptation, Renesmee DOES NOT reach full maturity at age seven, but gets stuck at age seven for the rest of her life. Forgot to mention that before uploading. Sorry!**_

**Dinner is Served**

Bella and Edward were sitting on the kitchen counter, making out.

It was not a pretty sight. Bella was making snorting noises and Edward was doing that weird melodramatic breathing thingy where he pretended to have forgotten how to breathe. Then Renesmee walked in. And screamed.

Wouldn't you?

"Mom! Dad! What are you doing?!"

Bella fell sideways into the kitchen sink with another snort. Edward stupidly said, "Uh… making out?".

Renesmee began to cry, purposefully smearing around the massive amount of mascara and eyeliner she always wore to show how very SAD she was.

"You know how that makes me feel! I will never have anyone ever love me! I'm HIDEOUS! I will always be seven years old! I can never have CHILDREN! I don't even have BOOBS! Don't you get it?" She sniveled, hiccupping and smearing her eyes on her (black leather) jacket.

Bella squealed, for she had gotten herself wet in the sink.

"No, I don't really get it. So your upset because you can't have kids? I don't get how that's an... issue," Edward said, in confusion.

"NO! That's not it!" She wailed. "YOU PEOPLE WON'T EVER UNDERSTAND ME!" She blubbered, running out the door, her (black leather) shoes squeaking on the ugly green and white tiles she had soaked with tears and snot.

Edward was still confused.

"What's so bad about kids? No, what's so great about kids? Why did we have her anyway? She bores me so."

Bella sat up and grinned. "I wanted my insides eaten so that you could save me! I love it when you save me."

"Oh yes, I remember now."

They began making out again.

Spike and Buffy were at the Bronze, sitting at a table, arguing. Buffy was drinking water, and Spike was drinking "root beer". They looked up when a seven year old girl dressed in black leather… everything and wearing a stuffed bra sauntered up to the table, smirking.

She pointed at Spike. "You're a vampire."

"I am _not_!" he said adamantly, slurring his words slightly.

"Yes you are. I have the überwickedawesomefuncoolio superpower of detecting other vampires (one of many)."

"How is that a word? And wait, you're a vampire?"

"Will you marry me?" Renesmee asked with a simper.

"Bloody hell, no!" Spike cried. Beside him, Buffy choked on her water, took another drink, and spat it out. Realizing her cup was empty, she reached for Spike's bottle.

"I knew it! Nobody will ever want to marry me! My mom and dad were right! I will never have a love like theirs!" She bawled. Clearly, she did not understand that they had never said any such thing. Short term memory loss, perhaps?

Buffy tasted Spike's bottle and frowned.

"Are your mom and dad vampires too?" Spike asked uncertainly.

"Yes! The best there are! They're going to take over the world via poorly written literature and bad romance that offends the genre of fantasy! And SPARKLES!"

Buffy set the bottle down on the designated napkin and stood up, briskly brushing herself off, tossing her hair, and facing Renesmee head on.

"In that case, Spike will accept your proposal. He has always wanted to rule the world."

"YAY! I win!"

"Wait, what?" Spike spluttered, looking to Buffy for affirmation, wondering if this perhaps had something to do with their argument.

"But first, we must meet your parents, because they have to sign a document before you're allowed to get married, because you are, I mean, you look, underage."

Renesmee squealed and ran out of the Bronze. Buffy shot Spike a glance that said, _just go with it_. They followed her outside, leaving the now empty "root beer" on the table.

Soon Buffy, Spike, and Renesmee were standing in front of a huge gothic style cast iron gate, with stone pillars on either side topped with gargoyles. A golden plaque in the center read _Evil Haunted Mansion Mwahaha_. A smaller plaque below it was inscribed _Beware the Cliché_.

"I don't suppose you have the keys," Spike said mildly.

Renesmee put both of her first two fingers on her temples and grimaced s if constipated. "Uhhhnn!" she groaned dramatically. Nothing happened.

Buffy kicked the gate and it opened without a sound. They walked up the yard to the front door when Edward burst out of the door, grinning as if he had just painted his fingernails pink, but that was not the cause, for he had already done that this morning.

"I knew that you were coming! Alice had a Vision, and she saw you guys coming!"

It appears that the author may have forgotten that Alice, the filler character that she is, does not exist in this fanfic, because of, well… laziness.

Edward invited them in, doing everything that a good host would do: introducing himself and his wife, providing embarrassing bay stories, and tripping on the doorstep on the way inside. Then he prepared a 160 course dinner and stuffed it all in the microwave with his überwickedawesomefuncoolio mad speedy skillz, despite Buffy and Spike saying a hundred times over that _that wouldn't be necessary, thank you_. Then he set the table and dragged them all into seats, because they wouldn't sit down voluntarily. Would you?

Bella appeared in a flash of green smoke, but nobody noticed, because the author forgets about her sometimes, too.

"Renesmee, would you go into the other room so we can talk about you behind your back?" Bella said kindly.

"Okay!" Renesmee left.

"I'm so glad that you appreciate our daughter, umm…" Bella began with tears in her eyes.

"Spike," Spike managed to spit out.

"I knew that! Alice had a Vision!" Edward cried. Everybody ignored him.

"And who is this young lady you have brought with you?"

"Her name is Slutty! Alice had a vision!" Edward cried.

"Actually, my name is Buffy."

"Hello, Buffy."

"Hello, Bella."

"How do you know my name?"

"Alice had a Vision!"

"Edward, please shut up, honey."

"We've been introduced already."

"Oh, yeah. Anyway, marriage is such a wonderful thing, especially between vampires, because it continues after death." Bella said dramatically. Spike shot Buffy a glance that said _I hate you for this_.

"When I met Eddie, nothing could stand between our love for on another."

"That's right. I am so glad that our daughter has found something for her too. And someone to inherit the world after we have conquered it."

"Um, yeah, about that…" Spike began tentatively. Buffy kicked him under the table to shut him up.

"It's too bad that you don't sparkle. It will dilute the family blood."

"I beg your pardon?" Spike said in shock.

"We are the next generation of vampires. We have superior powers and superior good looks and superior world domination skillz," Edward said arrogantly.

"Are there more of you?" Buffy asked.

"I can't take it any longer," Spike moaned, looking around for a stake.

The microwave beeped and Renesmee appeared in a puff of green smoke. Nobody noticed.

"Food's ready!" Edward and Bella and Renesmee shouted, running to the kitchen. Spike found a pencil in his pocket and went to stand next to the door. When Buffy asked him what he was doing, he replied, "What do you think?" Buffy sighed and stood up. Edward walked in with a plate of canapés.

"Dinner is- hey!" He said when Spike took the plate and dumped the food on his head.

"I can't think of anything cool to say, but if I could, I would," Spike said, before jumping on Edward and rolling around on the floor with him.

"Edward! Save me!" Bella cried as Buffy broke her last stake on her. She vaporized to dust. Renesmee came up behind Buffy, only to be punched in the gut. Buffy picked up a chair and whacked her with it. Then she staked her with its leg.

Spike was still punching Edward, muttering about sparkles under his breath.

"Spike, just stake him already."

"Fine!" He staked him.

After a pause, Buffy said, "Well… that's that," and began to walk away.

"WAIT!"

Buffy stopped. "What?"

"We can't just leave the ashes here! They have to go to quarantine. They'll infect the rest of us!"  
"You want us to collect their ashes and bury them somewhere?"

"Yeah. What's wrong with that?"

**A/N2: Mwahaha! I am so evil. Only one review last chapter. Man, I feel so unloved. Tell me what you think! More ideas needed! Next chapter on Tuesday. Edward gets kicked.**

**Alice had a vision that says the people who review will get cookies next Friday.**


	7. Nut Job

**A/N: Chapter 7 in da house! YAHOO. Called Nut Job. Beware caffeine addiction and psychotic sparkly stalker vampires. A lot shorter this time, so look out.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Anon: Great idea! Will use definitely. Thanks for reviewing, I think you have for every chapter.**

**Vera Amber: That's the point! MWAHAHAHA**

**--CeleryRox **

**PS: I don't own nuthin! Just because I don't disclaim doesn't mean I claim! LOL! (I crack myself up)**

**Nut Job**

When the lady at the counter finally finished making my coffee, I took the steaming cup to a vacated table and sat down. It had been a long day at school—Biology test and all—and I felt that I deserved a nice coffee break. I had just settled in and was about to relax when a young man walked up to me, a (stale) cinnamon roll in one hand. His skin shimmered like diamonds ground up with dirt, and his hair made it look as if he had been dragged kicking and screaming through a patch of briars, then set on fire for good measure. I looked down at the cinnamon roll. It didn't look much better.

"Um, no thanks."

"It's not for you," he said calmly. Then the idiot sat down across from me.

I stared him down, hoping that he would get the point. He smirked and shoved the cinnamon roll across the table.

"I already have a boyfriend, thanks," I said coldly.

"Yes, but do you have a _cinnamon roll_?" He said, as if talking to a child.

"I don't want your cinnamon rolls."

"Ah. He doesn't give you cinnamon rolls? I see. This is quite a—" he began.

I suddenly stood up and reached for my backpack.

"Wait!" He said with intensity. I sat down (slowly). With whack-jobs like this, it's best not to make any sudden movements.

"Do I dazzle you?"

"Umm…" I said (slowly).

"No! That was a hypothetical question. Bad!"

"Sorry…" I said (slowly).

"You know, you and I have a lot in common. You obviously have guy troubles, no cinnamon rolls, tut tut—No! Sit down. Bad!—and I'm an angsty sparkly vampire who's sick of that Bertha girl, so what do you say? Let's dazzle each other together!" He said.

"Umm, no thanks. Oh, I mean, sure. Let's…" I found myself at a loss for words and stood up.

"OKAY!" he bellowed, and if he had said it in netspeak, it would look like this: OK!!!!!!11 :) :))

I stood up, and when he did, I kicked him where it counts.

"No! You hit on Buffy. Bad!"

You can imagine what happened next. I won't insult your imagination.

**A/N2: Working on next chapter. Attack of the Sparkles: Xander is walking to his car when he is assaulted by Sparkles. Will post on… Thursday! (GASP)**

**No! You try to leave without reviewing. Bad!**


	8. Attack of the Sparkles

**A/N: Hi! Welcome to chapter 8: Attack of the Sparkles. It's another shortie, sorry. Thank you so much everyone for following!**

**To my reviewers:**

**Willow101(I love spike!): Wowie, I have my first worshipper! I always knew I was special! *worships back* Thank you for both ideas, Jacob needs to die in a hole. Illyria is a good character to use too, the only concern that I might have is she's not exactly a Buffy character. I will have to think about it. Renesmee is Edward's and Bella's offspring (Yeack). She was born in Breaking Dawn (Which I didn't actually read ****)**

**Mopps: So sorry, didn't reply in last chappie, kinda missed your review. I would use Blade, but I haven't seen it (you're talking about a movie, right? I looked it up on Wikipedia) unfortunately. Thank you for reviewing!**

**Thank you all so much for ideas/reviews/reading! Love you all!**

**--CeleryRox**

**Attack of the Sparkles**

Xander was walking to his car one afternoon when he saw some dude walking up to him.

As the dude came closer, Xander saw that he looked as if he had been dunked in a vat of paste and rolled through a pile of pink glitter. He left a trail of the stuff behind him that a blind pigeon could track in the rain. Xander scowled, having been reminded of Angel, the stupid… stupidhead.

Stupidhead came up to Xander and stood in front of him, blocking his way.

"Um, excuse me, I need to-"

Stupidhead slapped Xander in the face.

"What the hell?" Xander cried, staggering backwards and putting his hand to his face.

"That's only the beginning of the PAIN!" bellowed Sparkleman, slapping him again. Then Xander slapped him back.

"Hey!" he slapped Xander.

"I shall rein supreme!!!" yelled Xander, kicking Pinky in the family jewels. Then he ran away cackling.

"No you won't! Because I'm a vampire!" Shrilled the glittering dude, rushing in front of him with some weird speed thing making race car noises and tripping Xander. Xander got up and slapped him.

The unimaginative vampire slapped him back.

Xander took out an aerosol can of bug spray from his pocket and sprayed him liberally. In the eyes. Then he ran like heck and got in his car. Sparkles zipped in front of him with a loud vroom! And stood in front of the car, thumbing up his nose.

"Well, that's your choice, sucker," Xander muttered to himself, pressing the pedal to the floor.

VROOM! Sparkles was toast.

Xander went into reverse and ran over him again. And again. Then he got out of his car and staked the creature oozing glitter glue all over the asphalt.

Then he kicked the dust around for good measure.

He drove off happily into the sunset, trying to find a radio station that didn't play county music.

**A/N2: Yay! I is happy now. I stole the "That's only the beggining of the pain!" from a guy in my class. Another guy stabbed him with a pencil, so he wussy-slapped him. I have a very interesting art class. Next chapter on Saturday, mwahahaha! Titled Runaway Vamp. Edward runs away at the alter, and Bella hires Buffy to stake him.**

**I can't think of anything clever to say, so just review, kay? (LOL THAT RHYMED!!!)**


	9. Surprise!

**A/N: Change of plans today. I had an extremely busy two days, so I did not write the nice, long, funny chapter that I was REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO, and now I have to post the backup chapter. And… looks like this is the last backup. Tightrope walking without a net. Not good. I need to make some more of those… Anyway, this chapter is really short. Edward, Angel, and Bella are chatting after Angel met Edward in a bar.**

**To my reviewers:**

**A: Pleased you liked it! Thanks for your review!**

**Willow101(I love spike!): Staring menacingly at plants… Hahaha lol**

**Anon: Edward needs to be kicked often, it's part of his therapy. Huh, maybe I need to reconsider the Illyria deal…**

**Dreameralways: YAY you're back! I missed you. Three votes Illyria… I give. (Dang, I'm really abusing the "…" today)**

**Thanks so much for reading!!!**

** --CeleryRox**

_Iamnotavamp: Edward_

_Bells: Bella_

_Angel: Angel (he's too cool to make up aliases)_

**Surprise!**

Iamnotavamp: Bella. i must tell you something…

Bells: what is it, Edward? u can tell me anything

Iamnotavamp: i made a friend!!!!!!!!!! B-)

Bells: ?

Iamnotavamp: his name is angela!

Angel: Angel, actually.

Bells: that's… weird, edward.

whered u meet him?

Iamnotavamp: a vamp partie!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!

Angel: He means a bar.

Iamnotavamp: o yes. bars r gud.

Bells: r u drunk?

Iamnotavamp: nooooo

Angel: Yep.

Bells: U got eddiekins drunk!

Angel: Well actually, he kinda got himself drunk…

Bells: i h8 u!

_(Bells has logged out)_

Iamnotavamp: guess wat!

i lyk... ponies

Angel: Edward, I didn't really get to know you last Friday at that... 'restaurant'. Are you a vampire?

Iamnotavamp: Yeessssssss. hey look… trout…

Angel: I have a present for you, Edward.

Iamnotavamp: Yays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Angel: Where do you live?

Iamnotavamp: 23 mane treet

Angel: See you.

_(Angel has logged out)_

Iamnotavamp: but i'm not alowed 2 talk 2 strangers! angela? whered u go?

**A/N2: Sorry it's short. Next chapter on Monday, providing I find time to write, which I should. Also, will work on Illyria chappie.**

**Reviewing makes you see trout… (Ten "…"s in one chapter, I need to get some therapy... Hey look, eleven.)**


	10. Runaway Vamp

**A/N: YES! I have made it to chapter ten. On time, too. Mwahaha. I have no idea how many of these I'll do, but it'll be a lot. Right now, I'm just holding on for dear life until school's out, and then I can really open her up. Anywho, this chapter's name is Runaway Vamp. Edward runs away, so Bella hires Buffy. Spike watches the Olympics and Edward found a friend.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own crap**

**To my reviewers:**

**Willow101(i love spike!): That would be cool! I'd read it. But seriously, the book sucks. I can't stand more than a page a day, I seriously want to pull my hair out.**

**Anon: I know, that was one of the first ones I wrote. I was originally planning on making it just a little segment of a much larger story, but oh well. I have already written the next chapter, it does contain dismemberment (and more!) I have a couple more chapters planned that include accidently suicide (four, to be exact) but will probably spread them out a little**

**Dreameralways: I know. I was disappointed too. Next chapter is rather violent, though. And of course Angel killed him! I couldn't let him live.**

**Clarityfades: I agree completely. My native writing style contains no description whatsoever, and I'm trying to fight off the laziness fairy (die, fairy, die!). And yes, motives for killing need to be worked on. Thank you so much for the critique!**

**--CeleryRox**

**Runaway Vamp**

"Do you, Edward Cullen, take Bella Swan to be your-" the priest began.

"NO! Of course not! PSYCH! Hahaha, see yah later, suckas!"

Edward Cullen ran whooping out of the church and Bella began to cry.

_Next day:_

Buffy was walking out of Sunnydale high school. Her backpack was stuffed full with the boatload of homework, half of which she had already decided not to complete. She was looking forward to a relaxing evening when a plain girl walked up to her.

The girl had straight, stringy brown hair and plain brown eyes. Her skin was pasty white, and you could tell from a mile away that she hadn't brushed teeth in months. With horror, Buffy realized that the girl was coming to her and began to walk faster. But she jogged ahead and caught up to her.

"Hi. Are you the slayer?" The smelly girl said.

"Yes. No. I mean… what's it to you?" Buffy stammered, shocked by the smell and the suddenness of the question.

"I'm Bella. I want to hire your services to kill my ex… my ex… Wahhahaaaa!!!" The girl broke down and began sobbing hysterically, dribbling snot and hazardous green spittle all over the place. Buffy inched away.

Bella abruptly stopped crying. "Hold still! I'm not done yet!" she yelled, then burst into tears again. Sniffling dramatically, she continued, "My ex fiancé… He left me at the alter. And if I can't have him, nobody will!!! He's a vampire, by the way. I thought you could stake him. But, like, take your time so I can deliver a crappy cliché speech, kay? What else... Oh yeah, I MISS HIM SO MUCH LIKE WAAAAH!" she said.

"Uhh, I don't work for money. It's BAD," Buffy said and walked away, praying to the few gods she believed in that the despicable creature wouldn't call after her.

"WAIT!"

Crap.

"What?" Buffy said.

"How about for a million!"

Buffy thought about it. But not for long. "Okay!"

"Cool! My people will contact your people." She said, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

That evening, she worked her way through the crapload of homework while Spike watched the Olympics and cussed out the other teams (her mother was not home). She had just told him to shut up when the doorbell rang.

"I got it!" She said, running for the door.

"No! No, smash him! SMASH HIM!" Spike screamed.

She opened the door and it was Bella. Her dragon breath had cracked the red paint on the door. Buffy was not pleased to see her.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Let's do it now!" Bella cackled. Buffy felt her eyes begin to water.

"But I have homework!" She protested.

"DIE! All of you need to DIE!" Spike shouted, hopefully at the TV.

"Ten million."

"Okay!" Buffy said. Over her shoulder, she told Spike that she was going.

"F***ING GERMANS! SMASH THEIR HEADS!" was his reply.

They got in Bella's truck, which smelled like microwaved hair. Buffy rolled the window down and hurled out the window.

"Wait… Where are we going?" Bella asked, as if the thought had just occurred to her (it had).

"123 Happy Pink Ponies Blvd," Buffy chocked out.

"How do you know?" Bella was puzzled.

"I looked it up in yellow pages."

"Oh."

They drove away to find 123 Happy Ponies Blvd. But they didn't go far.

After 30 minutes of going in circles around the same block, Buffy took the wheel from Bella.

They drove away to find 123 Happy Ponies Blvd again.

2 hours later, they pulled into the driveway of a pink house with big purple shutters that had big hearts and smiley faces drawn all over the place with glitter glue. It smelled like fresh sewage. They walked up the pathway bordered by (dead) petunias, up the steps. Bella rang the doorbell.

"Oh, please," Buffy said. She kicked the door down and walked partway inside. The walls were painted baby turd brown, with accents of regurgitated lettuce. The carpet was pink camoflauge. They heard a TV in room to the right and a weird sucking noise. They walked in.

Two people sat on a ketchup colored couch, apparently oblivious to the newcomers, sucking face. A black and white TV sat against the wall in front of them, one of the old types with bunny ears. It somehow worked anyway.

"HOW COULD YOU!" Bella wailed.

The couple broke apart. There was a young man with ridiculous looking hair who appeared to have smeared glitter glue all across his face, and a dark haired girl who looked really familiar to Buffy.

"Drusilla?"

Drusilla said, "I hear my name. The call for me again!", crossed her eyes, and giggled.

"Edward! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU BASTART!!!" Bella wailed.

"Bastard," I corrected

"BASTARD!"

Edward farted in reply.

"I want a pony," Drusilla said, peering at Bella, "Edward, make her give me a pony."

"Not now," Edward told her. Drusilla pouted and began to mutter to herself.

"I LOVED YOU! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO THROW IT ALL AWAY! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU COUCH POTATO! YOU…" Buffy took a seat in a corner and wondered when she was getting her paycheck.

Two hours later, she got up and went to the bathroom. There wasn't any toilet paper.

An hour after that, she realized she had somehow left her stake at home. That wasn't very professional. So she walked into the kitchen and took all of the stuff out of the pantry until she found a suitable toothpick.

When she came back into the living room, everything was exactly as she left it. Bella was screaming the same things over and over again, Edward was farting, and Drusilla was talking to the lamp.

"Will you just SHUT UP!" Buffy shouted. Bella shut up. The room was uncomfortably quiet.

"Yes? Did you say something?" Drusilla picked the lamp up and held it to her ear.

"Do you want to stake him, or are we all going to sit here forever?"

"I can hear the children…"

"Shut up, Drusilla." Edward said.

Bella was pale. "Yes. Do it!" She said in a hushed voice.

Buffy ran up to Edward and stuck the toothpick in his chest. He farted, but nothing else happened. Buffy poked him repeatedly until he finally bit the dust.

"HOW COULD YOU!" A weight hit Buffy from behind and she toppled over with Bella on top of her. She flailed about a bit until she hit something. Bella was reduced to powder.

"That's weird…" Buffy said. She didn't know that Bella was a vampire too.

"Hello I would like a large pepperoni pizza-"

Sick of her voice, Burfy ripped the lamp from Drusilla's hands and bashed her over the head . She jumped out the window and ran down the street.

On the TV, the crowd cheered. The Germans had won.

**A/N2: That one was longer yays! Next chapter on Wednesday. Illyria gets mad because Edward pees on a bush (in public). Violent death described and included. Hope you liked it.**

**If you don't have anything nice to say… FLAME ME! **

**P.S.: Hahaha, I just realized I spelled Buffy Burfy. OMG!**


	11. Watering Flowers

**A/N: Helloo! Chapter eleven and I still have not differentiated from my schedule! I am so proud of myself cause I have posted a chapter every other day for 22 days mwahahaa. Yesterday I threw myself a very poorly attended party. It was fun. Anyway, Illyria is in this one. So is Edward.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Vera Amber: You have surpassed my awesomeness. Shame.**

**Anon: Drusilla is probably too loopy to care, so don't worry about her. **

**Willow626: CONGRATS! I would totally be bombarding you with PMs, but you have blocked them, so I didn't. But I had every intention to, just so you know. When are you starting a story?**

**DISCLAIMER: I own… the can of Coke I am drinking. But I like Pepsi better.**

**CLAIMER: I also own my underwear. You can't have, sorry.**

**Watering Flowers**

Edward Cullen was walking in the park one disconcertingly picturesque afternoon. The flowers were blooming and kids were walking their dogs, frolicking in manicured lawns, slapping each other, picking their noses, etc. Edward was in a good mood, so he decided to prolong this rare, non-angsty moment with a giant coke.

There was a conveniently placed concession stand at the edge of the park, so he purchased one and began to chug. Through a straw, because he has mad skillz that enable him to chug coke without being hindered by the oversized straw.

At that time, Illyria was wandering around the halls of Wolfram and Hart when she realized that she was bored. She didn't know why she had just realized it now, but she was tired of talking to the same potted plants every day, they didn't have very much to say because the idiot interns always forgot to water them.

Maybe it was fate that made her step out the door and wander off to find some nice grass or something.

Perhaps it was also by fate that she ended up in the same park as Edward. Or maybe just author's whim. This has been known to cause even the most improbable events.

At some point or another, Edward realized that he had to go to the bathroom. This probably comes at no surprise to readers, but it did to Edward. He had always considered himself too superior for such mundane matters as urinating or defecating, and he was always surprise whenever he had to. This he pondered while searching for a nearby outhouse.

There was one over there but… too far… This bush was closer.

So in full view of the public, he relieved himself on the bush.

Illyria saw it.

Illyria was so offended, she could hardly speak or move. Luckily, Edward was taking his time, so she was still able to make her way up to him and stand behind him. When he finally pulled his jeans back up and wiped his hand on them, he turned around and found himself face to face with a blue person dressed in form fitting leather armor.

"How dare you?!" she spat, looking him up and down. He looked as if he had fallen off the gay tree and hit every sparkly branch on the way down. Nothing against gays, but she would rather be blue any day. She looked behind him, and was shocked and horrified. The poor bush was _sparkling_.

"I'm a vampire! I'll piss where I wanna."

"You are an insult to vampires," she hissed. Spike would be horrified when she told him…

"You are an insult to SMURFS!" he cried gleefully." How had she fallen for _that one_?

Illyria delivered a swift kick to his knee, effectively shattering his kneecap.

"OWIE!" Edward fell down on his face. After a moment, he propped himself up on one elbow and bit her ankle. She kicked him in the face. Then she stomped on his chest 24 times until he finally quit moving. Then, she whacked his head with a rock for good measure.

The crowd cheered.

Illyria dragged Edward to the side of a cliff overlooking the sea and ripped him to bite sized pieces to be thrown to the fishies.

**A/N2: Hope you likey! I'm hyper… next chapter on *counts on fingers* Sraiday. (when do you think I'm posting??!) Oz meets Jacob and doesn't really like him.**

**Random story: Yesterday in 7****th**** period (the period we make movies) the teacher had us go around and review eachother's movies and everybody flamed each other. It was really funny and pointless and stupid, so I laughed the entire class period, but everybody else got really mad. Like, REALLY mad. So it was funny. My partner and I got this one really bad one and she crumpled it up and threw it in the recycling, but I was like, noooo -friends name here-, this is progress. We must frame it!**

**Moral of the random story: Reviews+ Coke= Happy.**

**PS: I'm talking about Coca Cola, not the illegal stuff.**


	12. Weirdo in Wolf's Clothing

**A/N: Chapter 12, as promised. Kinda medium length. **

**To my reviewers:**

**Aldwyn: Funny/awesomeness will continue****.**

**Dreameralways: Yeah, I know. Have you read all those crossovers where it's like normal person vs. cool mutant person and the NORMAL PERSON WINS because mommy loves him/her best? Ugh. I get it when it's an awesomsauce person and a crappy character (well… kinda) but hen it's like ALEX RIDER WILL BEAT BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER WITH HIS UBERAWSOMESUPERFUNCOOLIO ROUNDHOUSE KICK I facepalm.**

**Anon: Yay trying to add more violence in my chapters **

**Willow626: Your PM is working, btw. Just in case you couldn't tell from all my messages ;).**

**HOLY CRAP I AM BECOMING A SMILEY ADDICT! NOOOES!!! *slaps repeatedly***

**Weirdo in Wolf's Clothing**

The ice cream parlor was packed, as was typical in the afternoon post-school and work. The line was extremely long, probably because the only person on duty had no idea what he was doing and kept dropping cones, switching orders, and demanding exact change OR ELSE.

At the very back of the line was Willow and Oz. His arm was draped around her shoulders.. She was wearing a yellow blouse that would never match her floral skirt in a million years, but nobody tell her that. Oz kept shifting his weight around and sighing impatiently, but Willow didn't seem to mind the wait.

The bells at the door tinkled as another unwelcome customer walked in. The crowd didn't look to see who it was, but Jacob Black smiled and waved at them anyway, as if he were mr America or something. He then got in line behind Willow and Oz.

When willow felt the hem of her shirt lifting, she looked down to see a large gray wolf with his long nose up her skirt. She gasped and blushed and tried alternately pushing him away and pulling herself away, but he wouldn't budge.

Oz frowned down at the dog and assisted Willow in his removal.

"Bad fuzzy. Stop that."

Then, there was a loud crack and a puff of pink smoke and fairy dust. The wolf turned back into Jacob Black.

"Ooops… Ah, crap, a voice within the skirt said.

"Hey!" Willow jumped back and instinctively kicked him in the face.

"OWIE!"

Oz was furious. "What the hell? That's not cool. Stay out of her skirt."

"Dude, calm down. I'm just messing around! I'm actually gay. But don't tell Bella."

"Oz," said Willow, "Calm down."

But with a snarl, Oz began to transform. Jacob noticed and yelped and ran away with his tail between his spindly legs, Oz close behind.

An epic chase ensued.

Oz, obviously, should have caught Jacob with ease, for Jacob sucks and Oz pwns n00bs. But Jacob had the power endowed to him by obsessed stalker fangirls. This is the power of distorted reality: fanfiction has given him random skilz such as enhanced strength, superSPEED! (tm), author's darling syndrome, and a wicked six pack

With his skilz, Jacob managed to escape to his house. Oz almost caught him, but the favoritism was too strong for Oz to overpower with inconsistent things such as skilz. He knew that he must come up with a master plan that even obsessed fangirls could not alter. Maybe he would borrow a stake from Buffy or something. He would have to come back tomorrow.

The next night at midnight, Oz snuck in through the back door of Jacob's house dressed in all black and holding a thermometer in one hand. He had forgotten to ask Buffy for a stake, so he had came up with another plan instead.

Oz slunk through the cramped, dirty, green counter-topped kitchen and into a room with an ugly floral outdated sofa and a really big wide-screen TV. He snuck around a bit until he found a pink door with a big star on it. He figured that it might be the bedroom and opened it.

He was greeted by magenta walls and dirty underwear strewn across the floor. The bed was sunshine yellow and empty. Jacob was not home or not in bed yet. So Oz stopped and listened hard. Then he heard it- a splash. He was in the bathroom. The horror.

But Oz knew that he could not turn back now. It was his sacred duty to rid the world of perverted gay werewolves. He must be strong! So turned around and saw a giant life-size poster of Zac Efron. Oz was not a big fan of Zac Efron, so it filled him with determination. He walked out the door and across the darkened hall to the door opposite. Steeling himself, he opened it.

It was the closet.

He closed the closet and opened the door next to it. That one was the bathroom.

Jacob looked up from the Barbie doll he was playing with and screamed. Oz was scarred for life. Luckily, the bubbles covered most of it but still…

The Barbie doll embedded itself in the wall behind Oz. He shook himself and walked up to Jacob slowly, his black shoes squeaking on the ugly fake tiles that didn't exactly go well with the dramatic cobalt paint. Jacob sat quivering in his bubbles.

Oz reached the bathtub and stopped dramatically. A bunch of bubbles suddenly exploded to the surface. Jacob blushed.

"Did you just…"

"I'm sorry, I'm nervous, okay?!" Jacob said defensively.

Oz sighed and shook his head. "Dang it, you ruined it!"

"Ruined what?"

"My dramatic moment!" Oz shouted.

"I'm sorry! Really, truly-" Jacob stuttered.

"NO! You're doing it again. Shut up! I almost had it." Oz paused and composed himself.

"Okay, I got it now. _Why did you do it?_"

"Coz I wanted to!"

"It doesn't matter now. Now you shall pay!" Oz broke open the thermometer and threw it in the tub.

"That was your epic speech? I'm disappointed with you. OW THAT BURNS!" Jacob shriveled up into nothing. Mercury kills werewolves too, ya know.

The very next day, Jacob was reincarnated by fangirls who couldn't let him rest in peace.

**A/N2: Next chpater (I did that on purpose hehehe) on Sunday. It's called Don't Touch My Scones. No reference intended eeeeww get your mind out of the gutter, Celery. Attention: have very busy week next week so chpaters may be short ****. Still looking for ideas!**

**Out of coke now ****(SIX!)**

**Review or I will defeat you with my awesome skilz.**


	13. Don't Touch My Scones

**I AM SO SORRY! I COULD HAVE SWORN I POSTED THIS, BUT SOMEHOW I DIDN'T! SORRY! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED, PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I gave myself a heart attack when I realized that it didn't post. Sorry **

**A/N: This was a butt to get typed. I hope you guys are happy. I wish I had had more time—would've done a chapter 13 special. Oh wells. This ones a shortie, but I like it anyway. Giles is in it.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Gerbils4ever: I don't care what types of packs he has, I still think he's gay. Thanks for the review **

**Anon: YES! My argument exactly. And why does he have his shirt off all the time when he's not even the love interest, just Bella's boy toy for when Eddies off being emo and looking at his playboys again? Why doesn't Eddie have his shirt off instead? (not that anyone want to see THAT…) I bet he's a flabby. Jacob's just like, oh look, a fail fight scene… I'm going to take my shirt off now…**

**Willow626: More ideas yays! Thankie**

**Disclaima: Please don't sue me. I don't actually think I own anything.**

** --Celery(Rox)**

**Don't Touch My Scones**

After a lull in the conversation, Buffy stood up from the polished oak conference table and said, "Well, if that's it, I'd best be getting home now—erm, homework, you know…"

Giles sighed, took off his glasses, and said, "Not just yet. There is still one matter that I would like to discuss."

They were sitting in the library after a particularly long training session, discussing matters such as the next apocalypse and whether or not it would be so kind to fit into their personal schedules for a change. Buffy was eager to be off, for she had a date with Angel later that evening.

Giles took a picture out of a manila envelope and showed it to her. It was a mug shot of a young man with very messy hair and a sparkly complexion.

"Umm… I know this is completely unrelated to the discussion, (at least… I hope), but why is he wearing sparkly foundation?"

"He's not wearing foundation," Giles said.

"Could've fooled me."

Giles rubbed his temples and sighed again. Why did he bother?

"Anyway, I would like for you to keep an eye out for him while you patrol tonight. He's a vampire, his name is Edward Cullen. Low level threat, but he appears to have powers of mind control over girls, especially teenaged ones. Still, you should be able to take him out easy—he appears to be a pussy."

"Can I go now?" Buffy asked, sliding the spinning office chair out from the table in preparation to stand.

"Fine," Giles said. He put his glasses on and gathered up his papers as Buffy skipped happily out of the room. Time to go home.

Later that evening, Giles took a batch of scones (his mother's recipe) out of the oven with a pair of floral oven mitts and set them on the kitchen table next to the partially open window. He breathed in their sweet smell and was reaching for one to taste when the doorbell rang. He shouted that he was coming and scrambled to get it.

Seconds after he left the room, the window opened and a human form slipped in face first, hitting the floor with a painful crack. He had over-gelled hair and glittering skin. Edward Cullen got back on his feet and picked up a scone, took a bite.

"OW!" It was still hot.

Giles shut the door (nobody was there) and ran into the kitchen to see the gender confused vampire with a scone in his hand.

"Drop. The. Scone. And nobody gets hurt." Giles said deadly quiet.

Edward waved his hand around and said, "_You will let me eat all of your scones_," in an intense voice. Then he tried to take a bite. Still hot.

"Of course, master Jedi, sir," Giles said sarcastically. _Threat my ass. I thought he would be more than your average demon who thought he could do a Jedi mind trick. How embarrassing_, he thought.

He walked over to the counter and withdrew a large spatula from a drawer. It was his favorite, it had served him well at times like this. He walked behind Edward (who was now trying to lick the scone) and grabbed him by the girly hair.

"Jedi you are not, my young Padawan," he murmured in his ear. Then he beheaded him with 37 blows of the spatula. There was blood all over the floor. Edward didn't even scream, just kept licking the scone. Eventually he evaporated, but left a heck of a mess behind.

"Now why didn't I just stake him? What a mess," Giles mused. Then he picked up a scone and ate it in one bite.

"I know now. Stakes aren't any fun anymore."

**A/N2: Next chapter on TUESDAY. Edward's driving finally gets to him. Thank you all so much for reading!**

**(I just farted… BAD Celery! You guys didn't need to know that **** oh wells) **

**Review now, you shall.**


	14. Crash Course Dummy

**A/N: I am so sorry about last chapter, I once again have no idea what happened, it was saved on my computer and everything. So embarrassed…**

**To my (one) reviewer:**

**Dreameralways: THANKS FOR REVIEWING!! That typo is humiliating… must fix. *shudders*. Have not seen sharkboy's abs… don't want to. ****scary pasty vampires these days… anyway, fangirl nonsense makes me want to yank out my short, curly hair. (I am trying to include more adjectives in daily life… hopefully it will rub off on my writing).**

**Enjoy!**

**--Ce-STOP THE PRESSES!**

**Disclaimer: I own my hair, but I do not own Twilight (thank god) or Buffy.**

**leryRox**

**Crash Course Dummy**

Edward's car made loud farting noises as it poorly maneuvered the many plotholes- I mean, potholes- on the slippery road to the prom, which Bella had no idea they were going to… somehow. Everybody else did.

"Where are we going?" Bella stupidly asked, bouncing up and down in the seat.

"We're going to the PROM! Coz the fangirls will think it's cute!" squealed Edward. Sparkles exploded across his skin, concentrated around the dog collar he wore around his neck, one of those electrical ones that the owner controlled with a remote. He neglected to notice.

This was the true cause of the sparkles, but Smeyer didn't want to look like a control freak. So she said that it was just the sun, which also conveniently made her crush –I mean, male lead character- invulnerable to yet another flaw.

"Oh, Eddiekins! I… WAAH DON'T WANNA GO PROM!" She screamed. Slobber and snot flooded the dorky car. Edward sighed and dropped his head to his hands. Every time…

"Why do you not want to go to the prom with me, Bella? Don't be so difficult."

"BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE UNPOPULAR DESPITE EVERYBODY RANDOMLY LOVING ME AND IT WILL DESTROY MY IMAGE!" (Smeyer gave Bella a cookie for her (fail) angst.)

"God, why are you so weird? You are so much different than any other girl!" he winks and nudges audience, who all say AWW on cue and eat it up. Disgusting.

Bella lunged towards Edward, who grabbs her and began making out. Even more slobber and snot flooded the damp and smelly car. The audience awwed again in response to Smeyer threatening them with a tazer.

Bella said, "Wait… shouldn't you be watching the wheel?"

"I haven't crashed in foreverz!" he cried in response.

Spike was having a particularly bad day. He couldn't seem to beat Blinky at the arcade. He had painted another coat of black paint on his windows, but had forgotten to wipe the excess off so he could see. Not that it mattered, he would have been to drunk to see anything if he could. So Spike got into his car and drove off.

After a while of driving, he began hearing a strange slurping noises from the road in front of him. He didn't draw conclusions until his car blew up around him, leaving him sitting in the middle of a charred road holding a detached steering wheel.

When he finally realized what had happened he looked up at the other car. It was only partially smashed, and he congratulated himself for only screwing up halfway. Then he walked over to the smoking wreck and looked inside.

There was an ugly girl with bad hair and teeth slouched across the dashboard. The airbag had been disabled somehow and her neck was consequently broken. In the driver's seat was some dude who appeared to have beheaded himself with the steering wheel… somehow. His severed head was stuck in the windshield like those fake baseball stuck in window stickers.

Spike was not upset, but disappointed with himself for killing two more people. He would have to hide the bodies with the others. This would ruin his evening.

He pushed the driver's headless body into the passenger seat and tried to start the engine. Nothing. He tried it again. The left turn signal blew up. Spike sighed and got out with the conclusion that he would just have to push it.

Spike pushed the car for two slippery, sweaty miles until he reached the public boat ramp, his top secret body dumping ground. He took a deep breath and forced his tired muscles to pick up speed until he was (almost) jogging. It is important to remind you at this point that he is still too drunk/loopy/high/tired to judge distances properly.

The momentum from the (almost) jog brought him into the pond headfirst with the car. He kicked his way to the surface and spat the god-knows-what out of his mouth. He felt something clutching his wrist and looked down.

"BLOODY HELL!"

A rotting head he recognized as one of his other victim's was gripping his wrist with it's rotting teeth. Spike ran screaming all the way home.

**A/N: Next chapter Thursday. No idea what about.**

***threatens with tazer* REVIEW!**

**PLEASE?**


	15. 123

**A/N: I am so fried. Have been writing steadily for the past two hours. I tried to proofread, but.. we'll see. This one is really long (1,677 words not counting A/N) but I'm too tired to feel proud right now. This is chappie 15 special. Coz chappie 15 is special and stuff.**

**Anon: hehehehe… I know. I thought it was genius, I had to write it.**

**Vera Amber: THANK YOU! So much! I fixed it now. Buffy vs Max = … I think I agree with the epic tie. They're both great main characters.**

**Dreameralways: Oh… I got Eddie and Jacob mixed up… silly me. LOL, Spike and his drunken stupors… That gave me a massive plot bunny yays****. I'm in a lack of sleep stupor now…**

**Willow626: Nope, Imma postin right now, computer is working. Edward and Jacob in a bath together… the horror. I'm going to have nightmares. *shudders* and Smeyer writes like a deranged fictionpress author loaded up on narcotics and hitting the happy juice. Thank you for the ideas, I need to make a list. The freaky typo is fixed now****.**

**Enjoy it, coz it took me three freakin hours.**

**--CeleryRox**

**123**

Xander was horrified. Horrified, shocked, and strangely mesmerized. He had never seen anything like this before.

The figures on the filthy gray computer screen shook their hips and made kissy faces at the camera. Their gender defying voices rouse to a clamoring chorus, and Xander wondered if these were really the ideal male models nowadays. He began to wonder if he really wanted to get a girlfriend after all. Was humiliation worth true love? If looking like these freaks was the only way, then no.

_1, 2, 3, not only you and me, got 180 degrees and I'm caught in between…_

The two confused guys danced around with their shirts off. The one with the spiky hair was sparkling all over, he must have dumped a whole bottle of glitter on himself, Xander thought to himself. The one with the orange spray tan had suspiciously shiny hair… was everything about him fake? The bell rang for the next period, but he didn't notice, caught up as he was.

About a week ago, talk hit the school of the new popular youtube video- two guys singing a duet of 3 by Britney Spears. They hadn't used a disclaimer, and had gotten their pants sued off. But the crazed fangirls didn't mind. They were all in love with them both, so Xander was watching the video for "research". He was desperate for some pointers. His computer at home wouldn't work, so he was watching it in an abandoned classroom. (and skipping 6th period)

"What are you doing?"

Xander nearly fell out of his chair. He turned around. It was Willow, with a stack of books under her arm.

"Uhh…"

…_If you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me… or three… or four… on the floor…_

"Is that the weird video everybody's so obsessed with? With the two lunatic sparkly guys?" Willow scrunched up her nose.

"Actually, only one has sparkles. The other has a spray tan." Xander said sheepishly.

…_Getting down with 3P, everybody loves…_

"Why are you watching it?"

"Uh… research. I wanted some pointers," Xander said.

"Are you…"

His eyes widened. "No! I mean, no. I just…"

"It's okay if you are. I understand. You can trust me," she said in a sickenly caring tone.

"NO! I'm not gay!" his voice echoed out the door and into the hallway. Some guys walking by stopped to stare into the classroom.

"Oh. Well, y'know, that's okay too."

Xander was confused now. "Wait… do you mean… Oh, whatever, I'm going to 5th period now."

"6th."

"Whatever." He ran out of the room.

Willow shook her head and rolled her eyes. Xander was such a douche sometimes.

She looked down at the vacated chair. After a pause, she sat down and restarted the video.

_1,2,3, not only you and me…_

After three minutes, she walked out of the room, hardened resolve on her features. Her phone was in her hand, pressed to her ear.

"Buffy… It's me, Will. Hey, I need to talk to you about something. No, it's not urgent, but… yeah, starbucks is good. 5:00?"

Buffy took a long slurp from her coffee. Then another. Then another.

_"Yuuuummmyy…" _

"Buffy?"

_"Mmmmmmmm…"_

_"Buffy."_

_"Oh…"_

"The apocalypse is coming."

Buffy sat up and looked around.

"Again? I thought I just fixed that. Dangit, here we go again. But maybe I won't die this time. That would be a bonus," she said.

"No, I just wanted to wake you up from your stupor. You're making weird noises into your coffee again," Willow said.

"Oh," Buffy said, her face coloring, "Sorry. I… I like coffee."

"No, it's fine. I just wanted to talk to you about this video Xander was watching."

"Oh. Oh! Umm…"

Willow winced. "Not _that _type of video, no! Not that. It was that weird Britney Spears video that they got sued for."

"I didn't know Xander was gay," Buffy said, a tranquil look on her face. Must have been the coffee.

"He's not."

"Oh. Continue, then."

"And I was watching it after he left, and I think the sparkly one is a vampire. There was this close up, and he had pointy teeth."

"What? That's weird."

"Yeah. I think you should stake him, he's really annoying. The video is an insult to crappy youtube videos worldwide," Willow said conclusively.

Buffy frowned. "Staking random vampires is not on my list of things to do. But I'll have to see the video."

Her phone rang.

"Just a minute, Will, that's mine… Hello?" Her voice changed from friendly to guarded. "Mom? Why are you calling me? … Yes, but-? No! Of course not! Wh- FINE! I'm coming," she said, and slammed her phone shut. "I'm sorry Willow, but my mom's flipping out again, she thinks I'm seeing a boy right now. I have to go…" she gathered her stuff and walked quickly to the door.

"Don't forget to look at the video!" Willow called.

"I will!" Buffy said.

"Don't you mean…" but Buffy was already gone.

Later that night, Willow finished her homework early and went back to the video. She went on the poster's profile, his name was Edward Cullen. Pulling her favorite search engine up, she typed his name in and was surprised by what she learned.

The next evening Willow, Angel, Giles, Buffy, and Xander where in the library talking. Willow brought up the topic of the video.

"So you know that video online?"

Giles frowned. "What video?"

"The really popular one. The person who uploaded it had his real name on the profile. I did a google search and he's definitely not human," Willow continued.

"What type of not human?" Angel softly asked from across the room.

"Vampire, I think. I saw his fangs in the video. He has graduated forty times from forty different high schools,"

Xander's gaze darkened. "I should have known he wasn't human. He was way too… inhuman."

"I still have no idea what you guys are talking about," Giles said.

"That 3 video that all the girls are obsessed with. Some of them, anyway. I think we should send Buffy after them. They guys, not the fangirls."

"I haven't seen that video. But we should focus on the problems close at hand, not ones that don't affect us."

Xander stood up. "But you don't understand! He's an insult to vampires! Even to douches like Angel!"

"Excuse me?"

"Guys, please, not know. Back to what I was saying earlier…" Giles interrupted.

President Obama was in his office glued to the computer screen. He was horrified. What had become of his country? Something had to be done.

A day later was a Saturday, and Giles had the news on. He walked into the living room with a scone and sat down.

"And breaking news, there was a big fight in times square today, the whole nation is breaking into civil war because of different opinions on a youtube video, more when we come back after the break," the anchor said calmly.

Giles frowned and got up to go to his computer. Three minutes later, he called up all the scoobies and told them that they must come immediately to prepare for a great battle.

Soon they were all sitting crammed onto his living room sofa. Giles paced up and down in front of them, muttering about greater good and national economy and puppies and such.

"We have to stop this before it begins. Well, it kinda has already began, but we need to stop it now. They are having a promotional concert this evening, in some plane hangar (the government wouldn't let them go anywhere else for some reason) and we will act then. Everybody, let's take inventory now and make sure we have everything.

Jacob was in his dressing room, putting on even more spray tan. And more. He wanted to look beautiful for the big occasion. He even had his out fit picked out: a sparkly pink man-thong. Yep he was ready. He reached for the scissors and began cutting his nasal hair with a smile.

The gang hardly managed to get tickets, but they made it into the hangar eventually.

"Why are they doing this in an airport?" Angel asked suspiciously.

"I don't know. The government apparently told them they couldn't go anywhere else, but that doesn't really make sense…" Giles mused. The crowd of people began to cheer, and the scoobies found themselves separated by the crowd as they ran to the stage. There was a brief introduction, and the first song started.

_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick…_

Buffy thought she hear Xander groan, but it could have been someone else, she had no idea where the others were.

Love Game? Really? Now this was disgusting. Friends or no friends, she would perform her sacred duty at any cost. She fought her way through the crowd closer to the stage. But suddenly, people began screaming. They ran away from the stage in apparent terror. Buffy tried to push though the crowd, but it was like swimming upstream and she was pulled along with them. Soon she was pushed down and trampled as the crazed mob stampeded.

The flood trickled outside and she sat up. She saw immediately what the fuss was about. The door to the hangar had opened, and a huge jet was fast approaching. Buffy scrambled to get out of the way, then stopped and watched. The two lunatics were still singing as the plane sped into the hangar.

_…Let's play a love game, play a love game.._

She recognized it now—air force one. There was a crunch as the budding entrepreneurs were smashed. As Air Force One sped past, she saw the face of Obama pressed to the window, grinning manically.

A pattering of footsteps, and the others ran to Buffy. Angel grabbed her.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Giles looked around. "Where are the targets?"

"Barrack Obama beat us to it," Buffy said with a sigh.

There was silence, then Xander threw his stake down.

"I quit!"

**A/N2: Chappy 13 special special enough for you? I hope. Next chapter Sat. See you then.**

**Please review. I spent so long on it, you can spend 30 seconds reviewing. Please.**


	16. Stop, Theif!

**A/N: God, it feels like it's only been a day since I posted. But it's not been a day. It's been two ****! I don't know how I'm keeping up. Here's chappie 16. It's about half as long as the last one, but still four times the length of my shortest.**

**Disclaimer (I remembered this time!): I don't own Buffy or Twilight.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Dreameralways: Hehehe. I know, I crack myself up. Thanks!**

**Willow626: Thanks! My imagination has no off switch. I get plot bunnies in the middle of Math and fall out of my chair screaming.**

**Anon: HOLY cow that's long. Thanks for the ideas! Shop class definitely has some potential…**

**Simony7713: Yes, that's a good idea too. Thanks!**

**--Celeryrox**

**Stop, Thief!**

The door to the classroom creaked open and the history teacher stopped talking. Two guys walked in.

The teacher smiled. "Oh, you two must be Edward and Jacob. Class, this is Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, they transferred here from… Spoons, Washington, right?"

"Uh…"

"I'm sure you guys will get along fine."

The rest of the class grumbled. There had already been an excessive amount of students, but now there wouldn't be enough textbooks to go around. The teacher was used to this type of response, she got it every day. Everybody was taking bets on how long before they would fire her for her laziness and lack of organization.

"Now now, that's not very nice. Boys, there are two empty seats on either side of Willow in the back. She's a good student, perhaps she will rub off on you. From your records i… em, never mind. Anyway, please have a seat. We are taking a pretest today…"

In the back row, Willow was mildly upset. She had rather liked sitting alone, there was nobody to copy her. Oh well.

Jacob and Edward took a seat on either side of her. Taking a closer look at the guy on her right, Willow noticed that his skin was sparkling. Great. Her new desk buddy was gender confused. She looked to her left. He was drooling on the desk. Joy. She really did not want to be the one to clean that up.

When the teacher had finished prattling on about the importance of pretests, a volunteer passed out the tests. When one landed on Edward's desk, he stared at it as if from outer space. Jacob began tearing off pieces of his to eat.

Willow shook her head and started her test. She already knew all of this crud, they had studied it last year. Come to think of it, everything they had studied in history had been gone over last year. Hmm…

Jacob was tracing the words on his paper with his index finger. Smart guy. Willow glanced at Edward, and caught him looking at her paper. When he saw her looking, he quickly returned to his own test, whistling innocently.

"Shh!" the teacher called.

"Sorry."

"SHH!"

All Edward had written on his paper was his name. Willow had never seen Edward spelled EDWURD. That was strange.

With a sigh, she went back to her test, only to find Jacob's finger tracing her answers as his illiterate mind attempted to decipher to convoluted mess that is the human language. She slapped his hand and went to the teacher to request a seat change.

At lunch Willow sat by herself at a table to do her homework in peace. Buffy and Xander were given strict instructions to STAY THE HELL AWAY while she studied. The idiot history teacher had given the class homework even though they had just had a pretest.

Edward and Jacob walked up to her table and stood there, watching her. After a while she looked up.

"May I help you?"

Edward was to busy digging for gold in his right nostril to answer, but Jacob said, "Is that the History homework?"

"Yes, she replied, and went back to her notes."

They didn't leave.

"What do you want?"

Edward (having finished cleaning his nose) peered at her paper as if it were something to eat.

"Uhh… how close are you to finishing?" Jacob asked lamely.

The five minute bell rang, and Willow began stuffing her stuff into her bag. She was about to reply when she saw that Edward had moved on to the other side of his nose. Deciding that she didn't have to justify herself to these crackheads, she left without a word.

When the long day was finally over, willow was walking out the double doors to the school when two figures jumped on her from the bushes. One of them grabbed her bagpack and shouted "RUN!" and the other followed suit.

She recognized the voice. It was that gold digger Edward.

"Stop! Somebody stop him, he's stolen my _homework_!"

But nobody cared. A couple people thought she was joking and laughed.

Willow did not find it very funny. In a state of uncharacteristic fury, she withdrew a pencil from her pocket and used her abilities to levitate it. She sent it knifing through the air to stab Edward. She was shocked with herself when she realized what she had done and Edward crumpled to his knees. But she was even more shocked when he disintegrated into a pile of pink sparkles. A vampire of some sort?

Willow broke into a run. From a distance, she saw Jacob drop to his knees and grab handfuls of the glitter.

"CONFETTI!" He threw the dust into the air.

When Willow ran up to him, she bent over and grabbed a twig fro the ground and prodded Jacob with it. He dusted like his friend. Pleased with this victory, she picked up her backpack and ran off to tell Buffy about it.

**A/N2: I'm excited for the next one. Buffy gets suckered into a date with Jacob. Mwahaha. I will post it on Monday.**

**People who don't review will be attacked by Edward's boogers next Friday. It's a fact. Non reviewers, BEWARE!**


	17. First Date

**A/N: 17 is a really scary number *cowers*. This chappie is completely ridiculous. It was going to be 2,000 some words, but I put my foot down. Hope you all like it.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Anon: I was going to make him cry, but I thought that would be OOC. **** thx**

**Vera Amber: UPDATE SOON? I'm not updating sooner! What else do you want? My soul? I could post every day, but that would be suicide. WAAH! SUICIDE! *curls up into fetal position* (just kidding…) thanks for reviewing…**

**Willow 626: I have mental issues… LOL. My phrase of the day is shut the hell up. Yesterday was I really don't care, and the day before: whatever. Offline, I have a bright and shining personality ^w^.**

** --CeleryRox**

**Disclaimer: I don't own nothing or anything. But I do own everything.**

**First Date**

It was the first day of Spring. Not technically, but it was the first warm day since winter. After a week the cold would be back, but all the more reason to make it last. Like almost everyone, Willow, Xander and Buffy were out for a walk. Yet the matters they discussed did not suit the cheery atmosphere.

"Really Buffy. You know Angel isn't the only guy out there. You should really start looking around, find someone else," said Willow.

Buffy ignored her, preferring instead to study the birds and the grass and the seventy degree weather.

Now Xander chimed in too. "Buffy face it, he was a loser. From the start, really. You should throw a party about all this if you think about it. It could be a bonfire. Burn all his stuff, and we could serve hot dogs. I'll bring the drink."

"Xander, not being very helpful right now," said Willow. "Buffy would just mope around, and we'd all be sad, except for you, you would be drunk."

"I really don't see what's so wrong with that."

"You guys, I'm fine. I'll get over it eventually on my own. Stop worrying about it." Buffy said as she avoided their gazes.

"Good that's great. Glad you're okay. Can we talk about something else now?" Xander said. He stopped to pick a flower from some old lady's yard. He looked up at the front window and saw her giving him the evil eye through the dirty glass. Dropping the flower, he ran to catch up with the others.

Xander interrupted what Willow was saying. "You should just go out with someone, have fun for god's sake. Just stop moping around and raining on our parade. It's ruining my mojo."

"Xander, shut up."

"I'm serious! I'll give you fifty bucks to go out with the next guy of reasonable age you see."

Buffy surprised everyone then by saying, "All right, I'll do it if it means that much to you guys. Just leave me alone."

"Um, I don't think that's really a-"

"WAAAH!"

A guy Buffy's age rode a skateboard into a stop sign with a crash and a scream. His board kept on rolling without him.

"Now there's your prince charming. Go ask him out. Now, I mean it," he muttered as he shoved her along the sidewalk.

Willow turned to her friend and said, "I can't believe you. You've turned our friend into a prostitute."

"Well, not really, you see, because…"

Across the road, Buffy had reached her future date and looked down at him. He didn't look all that sane up close. Brainless brown eyes as empty as a black hole, not a single speck of brightness. He was dressed in black and not wearing a helmet, of course.

"Hi, I'm Buffy Summers, and I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me…"

He stared at her.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"YAAY! Meet me at McDonalds at seven."

"Wait, hang on a-"

"WOO! I GOTS A GIRLFRIEND!"

Willow facepalmed. "This will not go down well…"

"Hey? HEY! KID! You forgot your board! Ah, never mind."

Against all reasoning from her friend, Buffy went to McDonalds at seven. Her date was there waiting for her with a cluster of grass clippings and dandelions.

"I got you FLOWERS!"

"Um… Thanks?"

He bounded over to the counter. The cashier girl saw him coming and dove down to hide.

"SANDY!!!" It looked like he was a regular here.

"Sandy", a brunette, pretty, twenty something, popped up looking flustered. "Hello Jacob, uh… nice to see you."

"I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVERZ!"

"You mean to say, today. At noon. And this morning for breakfast," she said.

"You forgot snack time. See this? This is Buzzy. She's my girlfriend."

"Um… Buffy. And actually no, not really."

"Good for you. Here's your food. Now go away." Sandy took a bag with JACOB written on the side and gave it to Jacob. He threw a twenty dollar bill and skipped over to the only seat in the deserted restaurant- a booth by the window.

"Uh… how often does he come here in a day?" Buffy asked.

"Six or Seven times. He's driven away all the customers. And employees. I've taken to pre-making his food because he always orders the same thing. I keep the bags under the counter. What do you want?"

"Can I have a double cheeseburger and fries? With a small soft drink?"

Sandy went to the kitchen and returned with the food. Buffy paid and left to sit across her "date".

"Watch this!" Jacob cried and leaned across the table.

"Okay."

"No, really!"

"I'm watching." Buffy was starting to think that she should leave.

Jacob inserted his straw into his left nostril and sucked his shake up. Ew. Then he spit it back into his drink and started again.

"I RECYCLE!"

No response. Buffy didn't think this conversation earned one.

"SQUIRREL!"

"Pardon?"

"There's a squirrel in the parking lot."

"What," Buffy asked, "is exactly your problem?

"I have A-DD-DD-DD-DD."

"That explains a lot."

Jacob picked up his napkins and put them on his burger like they were toppings. As if by afterthought, he put his fries on too. Then he smashed his face into his plate, missing his mouth completely and getting his bun stuck on his forehead.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Jacob said and rose to relieve himself.

Buffy stared off into space, but was shook out of her revere when she heard a tinkling noise. She looked over and Jacob was peeing on a big potted plant in the middle of McDonalds.

Sandy smiled at her and said, "Gross, I know. I would get rid of it, but he'd probably just go on the wall." Buffy dropped her head to the table and covered her head with her arms.

Jacob came back a while later. She didn't move.

"I have pie. It's chocolate."

No response.

"I'm not allowed to eat chocolate because I'm a werewolf and dogs can't eat chocolate."

Buffy sat up and stuffed the pie into his face.

"Hey! That's not very nice! Mmm… This stuff is really good…" he fell over dead. Sandy cheered, and Buffy left, pulling out her phone. She called Xander.

"Yo. Buffy?"

"I'm going to kill you."

"Why?"

"I'm going to kill you. You have ten minutes to run."

**A/N2: That was chappie 17. No more until Wednesday. That's not too long to wait, so quit your whining. I don't know what it's about yet, but it may or may not be awesomesauce.**

**Review or Jacob will come pee on your flowers.**


	18. Cullen Edward Cullen

**A/N: HI! Glad your reading. Prepare yourself for the most epic suspensful oneshot your poor author can pull together in 48 hours. (Actually, about two, but whatever.) It is called Cullen, Edward Cullen.**

**Anyway, welcome to chappie 18, etc. I have an announcement to make: after summer starts, I will be starting another story. Yes, my dear readers, another. It will probably be in Maximum Ride fandom, and there is a possibility that it may not be a parody. But that may be only a rumor :). So back to today's chapter: it is epic. But there is another announcement I must make: Edward isn't actually a spy, he just thinks he is. Wanted to clear tht up.**

**To my reviewers:**

**willow626: You are obviously very excited about the singig plot bunnies. They excite me too. But that sounds really wrong, so forgtet I said that. And I knew I was forgetting a character. Thanks!**

**Vera Amber: I know how you feel, I like Percy Jackson and the Olympians, but Percy is soo much fun to make fun of. I mean, he has ADHD. I keep imagining him skipping off after a butterfly in the middle of the big final battle thingy. And I need to get that t-shirt and wear it to school. XD. Angel is pretty good, I like it when he argues with Spike.**

**Anon: I wouldn't warn him. Just pick up a chain saw and run. I CAN'T BELEIVE I DIDN'T THINK OF THE TOILET BOWL? WHAT TYPE OF COMEDIAN AM I? WAAAH! *yanks out (short, curly) hair***

**Oh My Freakin' Freakin': Well, they're based on either the character or the death. 123 was based on death by Obama. Thanks for ideas!**

**gerbils4ever: Hey. Thanks for the reviews!**

**BE PREPARED FOR THE EPICNESS!**

**--CeleryRox**

**Cullen. **_**Edward**_** Cullen.**

The full moon cast brilliant rays and shadows on the sleeping world that caressed Edward Cullen's car as it jolted wildly over random holes in the road. He smiled as his brain became even more addled with every bump. He could smell the burnt plastic smell of his (new) black car. This made a thought occur to him. He took a bottle of cheap cologne and sprayed it liberally, never taking his eyes off the road (he has mad skillz). To be a spy, you had to smell of one.

It never occurred to him that it may be stealthier to NOT smell like a trash bag full of rotting flowers. But enough with that.

When he got to the pre-designated (not really) spot, he drove the car into a tree. With style. And "stealth". He then emerged, slammed the car door shut, and looked around. Not a lake in sight. He would just have to leave the car where it was in plain view of his pursuers. How very unprofessional. He skipped away happily.

_No_. Not happily. Spies cannot be happy. They must be… dramatic.

So he flitted from tree to tree, pausing each time to listen for… noises. He heard none, other than the wind and the relentless footsteps behind him. But those where irrevelant.

At one tree, he decided to do a really stealthy job, and actually _look behind him_. What he saw shocked and frightened him.

IT WAS A MALE DEER! (Our good friend the main character does not understand the significance of the word buck, so it will be known as male deer)

He squealed and turned to run, but _no_. That wasn't right. Spies were never scared. So he turned back around and charged to male deer down, heroically yelling his Tarzan yell.

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!"

But then the male deer charged him back.

"WAAAAAAH!"

The male deer lifted him off the ground and flung him far away. Into a lake.

So Cullen got back up and skipped (NO!) _flitted_ for a little while longer until he came upon a bag of chips by the road. He knelt down and examined it.

"Yes. The grease marks point this way, so… there is a stop sign on the way to my destination! IKNEW IT!" Edward ate the bag and threw the chips into the center of the road for good luck.

Several miles later, he found himself standing in front of Bella Swan's house. _This is it_, he thought to himself. The house was dark and mysterious, inviting him in. He (stealthily) began to climb the fence. But at the very top, his journey was cut short.

As stabbing pain burned into his thigh. He cried out and lurched to the floor from the top of the two foot tall picket fence. There was a splinter the size of a pencil shaving in his leg. He groaned and felt death reaching his (or possibly her…) cold arms to drag him down and smother the living daylights out of him.

"No! Oh horror! Oh cheese sauce! This is it! What will my sweet Bella think when she finds my ashes? She will cry so… Oh my god… Oh my napkin... Oh shit, I really am going to die." And so our hero fell down, his head resting beatifically on a mound of dog turds. Then, he was transformed into a pile of sparkles.

When Bella walked out her door on the way to school, she saw the sparkles and said, "Oh look… My cosmetics came! I hope they put it in a box for once next time, though."

**A/N2: Yay meldrama! Please review! Next chappie on Friesday! It will be another shortie so I can have extra time to write the chapter 20 special! SPOILER: SPIKE WILL BE DRUNK.**

**Nonreviewers may find a bunch of male deer stuck up their chimney. Just sayin'.**


	19. A Penny Saved

**A/N: DIDN'T YOU ALL LOVE MY SPOILER! MWAHAHAHA!**

**Welcome to chapter 19 (suspenseful music). The theme was originally going to be "eddiekins jumps into a giant vat of acid" but now it's "Look at all the stupid crud Spike gets into when he's a drunker!". So there will be two drunk Spike chapters in a row. But the next one has a twist!**

**To my reviewers:**

**Oh My Freakin' freakin': Yes! Of course!**

**Willow626: Depends on if he's sober ****. So I don't think it matters.**

**Anon: Oh, jeez… I can just imagine her walking through my school going Hey! Like my MAKEUP? She's going to be really confuzzled when it actually shows up. I can't believe I haven't used death by Angelus or chainsaw yet! *facepalm* And I lurvy Angel/Spike arguments. I spend a lot of "writing time" looking up angel vs. spike music vids on youtube.**

**Vera Amber: Yeppers! Don't you love my my foreshadowing!**

**A Penny Saved…**

Spike was roaming aimlessly through the mall one evening. Yes, the mall. How low could he sink, he thought to himself. He was already stuck living with that Xander pouf, but this…

A toddler in a stroller behind him began to cry, setting off all the other toddlers. In the vast teeming crowd surrounding him, there were hundreds of them. Wailing. Spike had to smother a strong urge to snap all their necks. No! He didn't even have an urge to snap their necks. Horror! The great Spike, reduced to yet another plodding lemming human. Stupid chip.

But this would end now. Right now. He laughed softly to himself. The great fools wouldn't see anything coming! He strolled through the blue-green hued mall and listened to the masses grind through their pointless conversations and pointless little lives with their pointless little families and their pointless, screaming toddlers while he plotted (pointless) vengeance.

Stage 1: Steal one of those cool scooter thingies.

Five minutes later he was rolling around the mall on a cool scooter thingy. He had brutally stabbed the security guard that owned it and stuffed him down the garbage disposal.

Yeah, he was trying to brainwash himself, see. The scooter was sitting by the escalator.

He was attracting strange glances from the lemming people. He had no idea why someone would stare at someone going full throttle on a stolen Segway scooter making racecar noises. What the heck, right?

Stage 2: Get really drunk.

He soon found himself outside one of those random fancy restaurants they put in malls for some reason. Putting the Scooter into park, he walked into the restaurant. Everything was black, except for the blinding white table clothes. Right in front of him, there was a young (really young) couple with a bottle of wine in front of them. They were laughing and smiling and not even drunk. Lemmings. He grabbed the wine and ran outside. His faithful scooter was sitting a few inches from where he left it, and he grabbed it and dragged it behind him as he sprinted to the bathroom.

He was already a little drunk.

In the bathroom, he locked got into the handicapped stall and chugged. It took him a while, since the bottle was really big.

Eventually the janitor came in to hear some idiot in the handicapped stall singing Elvis Presley.

_I gots a blue… Christmas… w-without yooouu… do do dodododo_

She called security, and they came to throw the weird blonde guy out in the parking lot on his butt. One blackout later, Spike got up and drove to Wally world to purchase his World Domination supplies.

_List:_

_A bunch of jugs of acid_

_Several sheets of metal_

_Nails_

_Hammer_

_Barbed wire_

_Timer_

_Make-your own atom bomb kit_

_Booze_

(Wal-Mart stocks everything.)

Stage 3: Build a giant vat of acid in your living room.

Then he went back home to Xander's house (who wasn't home) and amused himself with building a giant vat of acid in the living room. Because it was EVIL. And he was most definitely evil. But he was interrupted when the front door opened and a dude with really poufy hair walked in.

"You stole my wine!" Edward Cullen cried.

"Yessss I did you great big… bum…" Spike slurred.

"I know I have a great bum. You don't have to tell me."

"I'm not a drunker."

"I'm not a retarter."

"Cooool…"

Edward walked over to him to admire his work. "Whatchoo doin?"

"I'm building a giant vat of acid in my friend's living room. MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Edward was confused. "Why?"

"Coz I'm evil."

"Oh. Can I be evil?" Edward asked hopefully.

"No," said Spike.

"Aw… Please?"

"No."

"But I'm perfectly evil! I'm a sparkly vampire abusive boyfriend Mary Sue and all that!"

"Vampires don't sparkle, you pouf," Spike said in a dead sort of tone, stirring the acid around with a really big ladle.

"Well I do!"

Spike was tired of this and pointed to the bottom of the vat of acid.

"Looky. A nickel!"

"I'm rich!" Edward squeaked and jumped in.

"Weeee…"

Xander came home ten minutes later and wanted to know why there was a giant vat of sparkly acid in his living room.

"NOOO! You cannot stop the world domination! Mwahahahaha!" and he ran away screaming.

THE END!

**A/N2: That was fun… anyway, chapter 20 special next on Sunday! SPOILER: ANGEL WILL ALSO BE DRUNK. AS WILL EDWARD, BELLA, BUFFY, XANDER, GILES, FAITH, WILLOW, ALICE, ROSALIE, EMMET, JASPER, OZ, ESME, CHARLIE, DAWN, ANYA, JACOB, AND ILLYRIA! WOO! Drunk par-**_**tay**_**!**

**Review or Spike will build a giant vat of acid in your living room. And try to fry funnel cake in it.**


	20. Wedding Party

**A/N: Woo! Cuttin it a little close, aint I? Oh wells, I still got an hour to spare.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Willow626: cart full of bunnies teeheehee… Esme is Carlisle's wife. Kinda like a mommy to eddiekins.**

**Anon: running and falling off a cliff and getting run over… yay! And then he could be eaten alive by killer goldfish!**

**Voila! Enjoy chappie 20.**

**Wedding Party**

Willow, Buffy, Xander, Spike, Oz, Giles and Faith were wandering the streets aimlessly. Most other people were at the Bronze, just as they would have been if they hadn't been kicked out on their butts. A celebration was planned, but now the evening was ruined. None of them wanted to go home yet, so the whole party turned another corner and kept walking down the narrow road in the light rain.

"Thanks a lot, Spike," said Faith from the very back of the group.

"Oh, quit your whining. You would have done the same thing if a dude had dumped coffee on you."

"Yes, but I would have done it two days later, with proper equipment, and precautions taken for secrecy. Not in the middle of a public place," she muttered, and ignored the others when several of them faltered midstep to frown back at her.

"Guys, it doesn't matter. We will all just have to go to somebody's house and do it there," Buffy said.

"THERE YOU GUYS ARE I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU I KNEW YOU WOULD COME BECAUSE I HAD A VISION AND STUFF AND NOBODY CAME TO OUR WEDDING PARTY FOR SOME REASON AND WE NEED TO HAVE MORE GUESTS OR ELSE WE WILL LOOK BAD AND THAT WOULD BE VERY BAD BECAUSE THEN WE WOULDN'T BE POPULAR LIKE OHMYGOD!" somebody bellowed from across the street.

"Who the heck is that?" Xander grumbled.

The figure skipped across the street and nearly got run over three different times by three different cars. Everybody stood there and stared at her. It was a girl with spiky black hair and a grin fixed firmly to her elfish face.

"HI I'M ALICE CULLEN NICE TO MEET YOU I LIKE SHOPPING AND ANYWAY WE NEED YOU TO CRASH OUR PARTY OTHERWISE THE OTHER VAMPIRES WON'T LIKE US!"

"Okay!" Spike started to walk over to her, but Willow grabbed him by the back of his shirt. "Hey!"

"Wait a minute Spike, this might not be a good idea," said Willow. He stared at her as if she were a madwoman.

"Um… _why?_"

Giles stepped forward and looked the newcomer up and down. He opened his mouth and said, "What are you talking about? Vampires?"

"WELL MY FRIEND EDWARD GOT MARRIED TODAY AND WE ARE THROWING A PARTY NOW AT THIS RESTAURANT AND NOBODY SHOWED UP FOR SOME REASON AND WE DON'T WANT TO LOOK BAD SO WE NEED YOU TO COME AND PRETEND TO BE OUR FRIENDS AND WE'RE LIKE VAMPIRES AND STUFF BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT SO… YEAH!" Alice shouted. "PRETTY PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! WE WON'T SUCK YOU'RE BLOOD OR ANYTHING I PROMISE!"

The scoobies muttered among themselves, but before a decision could be made Buffy said "Well in that case, okay!"

Everybody groaned. Stupid workaholic slayer, always trying to fill the weeks quota. This was supposed to be fun.

"YAY YOU WON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR ANYTHING I PROMISE!" the girl cried. A couple people perked up. Free food and drink? They allowed themselves to be led into the fancy restaurant, complete with a black and white color scheme and slippery floors. The guests at the smaller tables stared at the casually dressed bunch. The staff frowned, but didn't say anything. When hey reached a curtain Alice grinned over her shoulder and shouted "THIS IS IT!". They filed into the party room.

There was a long rectangular table with a bunch of people sitting at it. One by one, they turned and stared hungrily at new guests.

"HI EVERYBODY I BROUGHT THE REPLACEMENT GUESTS YAY ME!" Everybody smiled at her. They all seemed completely taken with her enthusiasm, Buffy thought. But it was really getting on her nerves.

"OKAY SO THIS IS CHARLIE EMMET ESME JACOB JASPER ROSALIE… NO WAIT ROSALIE LEFT AND THEN OUR NEW MARRIED COUPLE EDWARD AND BELLA OH YEAH AND WE CAN'T FORGET ABOUT PHIL SAY HI EVERYBODIES AND MEET THE N00BZ SAY HI N00BZ OKAY YOU CAN SIT DOWN NOW!"

The "n00bz" all scrambled to get a seat as far away as possible from Alice. Luckily, there were two seats left empty, so none of them had to sit next to her. Buffy was seated in between the groom and "Phil"

"OMG THERE ARE TWO EMPTY SEATS GASP I'LL GO BRIBE SOMEBODY ELSE TO SIT THERE OKAYS!" she left, and the n00bz sighed with relief.

"Don't you just love her?" the groom (Edward?) said. Everybody else was silent. The waiters came in with a wide variety of alcohol and everybody drank up because they could tell this would be a long night. About five minutes later Alice was back with two more n00bz.

"OKAY SO I FOUND SOME MORE PEOPLE AND LOOKY ONE OF THEM'S BLUE!" There was a blue lady with a leather armor and… Angel?

"Hey buddy! I missed you! Come and sit next to me, bud!" Spike said, saluting him with his beer.

Angel looked at the table and murmured under his breath, "Oh… crud."

"YEAH SO THIS IS ANGEL AND ILLYRIA AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE OUR BUDDIES TODAY YAY!"

Illyria took the seat next to Alice, so Angel was forced to sit next to Spike, across from Buffy.

"Uh… Hello, Spike."

"Hey! Where've you been?"

"Hiding from you."

"Well, it's nice to see you again, right?"

"Well, I guess."

Buffy jumped when a voice behind her said, "Heyyyy…"

It was the groom. "Oh, hi," she said.

"I'm Edward. I just gots married," Edward slurred.

"Great! That's… very nice! Congrats! Quite a nice party you got here."

"Yep. You jusht wait, it'll get better once we've all had a few drinksh."

"Oh… well, cool." it seemed to Buffy that he might have already had a couple of drinks. "Who's your designated driver?" she asked.

"Phil is."

"Oh."

"Yeah, he's another random guy we found o the street. We had to bribe him, but he gave in."

"Bribe him with how much?"

"Couple beers."

"Oh… okay then."

A guy with black hair and a spray tan stood up and held several bottles of wine above his head.

"Hey y'all, let's start the PAR-_TAY_!"

"SHUT UP, FUZZY!" Edward shouted. He turned to Alice and said, "Who invited him, anyway?"

"HAHAHA BELLA DID LOL!"

"Hey sparkles, ya want some juice?"

"Shut up! Hey Bells, pass me another beer."

_An hour later…_

Everybody was drunk now. Everybody.

"Drunks. You're all drunk, you drunks," slurred Willow. Everybody ignored her.

"WINGARDIUM LEVIOUSA!" Charlie screeched, throwing a fragile vase into the air.

Phil scooted by on a spinning office chair. Nobody knew where he had gotten it, nobody cared. "Vroom vroom vrooooooomm!"

Buffy was probably the soberest person here, she realized. Everybody else was completely wasted. Even Giles. She could hear him outside the party room now, stealing people's scones while humming Star Wars.

"So Edward…"

The groom shielded his face with his arms. "NO! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!"

"No, Edward, it's just me, the random person beside you."

"IT'S THE RANDOM PERSON BESIDE ME AGAIN!"

Buffy sighed. This would be a long night.

"Drunks. Pass the vodka, drunks," Willow muttered.

"Dun, dun, dundundun DUN dun, dundundun DUN dun, DUNDUNDUNDUN!" Giles was still at it.

Esme stood up and broke her wine glass with her spoon. "Excuse me if you won't mind I would like to be making a toast now?"

"That's an odd place to pt a piano…" Jasper muttered.

"Yeah sos I would just like to say to you all that I am soooo gladders that my Edwin choose Bella becauseth they are so perfect to eachtother and I am so proud of Edwin darling he's a darling you're all darlings…" she passed out.

So far, Emmet, Carlisle and now Esme had passed out. Jasper was well on his way too. Buffy looked around. Jacob was under the table picking up scraps, Phil was still on his spinning chair, Angel and Spike were arguing, Faith was trying to steal the (drunk) security guard's taser, and Illyria was hoarding all the vegetables.

"I've told you once, I'll tell you again, Star Wars is so much better than Lord of the Rings-" Angel began.

"No, the Lord of the Rings is better, you bloody pouf." Spike interrupted.

"MINE! THE SCONES ARE ALL MINE, I TELL YOU! MINE!"

"Drunks. Give me the keys to your car, you dunk drivers. Drunkers, each and every one of you."

"So Burfy…" Edward said. He was maybe the second least drunk.

"ACCIO HOT BARMAID!" Charlie shouted.

"Do you wanna meet my family?"

"Um… Well, not really-"

"It's really cool! We're all vampires, see. Except for fuzzy, he's just a random guest. Well, and Phil."

"VROOOOM!"

"Oh and Charlie. He's Bella's dad. HEY CHARLIE!"

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

Angel's elbow accidentally slipped into Illyria's lima beans.

"NO! MINE!"

"GOODNIGHT EVERYBODIES!" Alice passed out.

"Oh my gosh Alice passed out!" shouted Jacob.

"What should we do?" Xander asked in a strangely high pitched voice.

"STEAL HER BOOZE!" Spike jumped across the table and grabbed the drink.

"Stop, you've had too much, you drunkart," Willow said.

"Did any of yous know that I was in a band? Yeah, I'm in a band. Wanna hear? _Is this the real lie? Is it just science fiction? Caught in a lifestyle, no escape from Walt Disney_..." Oz began to sing, horribly off key.

"Um… Oz, you're not the singer. You're the guitar, remember?" Buffy said.

"_I'm just a poor blond, I need no symphony, because I'm_..."

"Okay, now those aren't even the words."

But Oz kept going.

Buffy decided to get this over with. She pulled a stake out and staked Edward. Nobody noticed or cared when he dissolved into sparkle.

"_Anywhere the wine grows, doesn't get any fatter with me…_"

Charlie had passed out.

"DUNDUNDUNDUN… DUNDUNDUNDUN…" Giles was humming a different song now.

Phil was also unconscious. So much for the designated driver.

"CHEWBACCA WOULD EAT LEGOLOS'S FACE!" Spike and Angel were still arguing.

Jasper walked into the room. Nobody had noticed he was gone.

"Hey… Hey guys… I found out where Rosalie went… she was in the bathroom… unconscious… but the weird thing was there weren't any urinals in there… and there were a bunch of girls… so I went on the wall…" he said. Everybody ignored him. Then he fainted.

"Holy crap… It's Obi-Wan-Kenobi!" Buffy didn't care to find out who said that. It sounded like Xander. She walked over to where Carlisle was and staked him. Alice came next.

_"So you thought you would slap me and sit in my fries…"_

Buffy bent under the table and prepared to stake Jacob. He drooled at her and said, "One… two… three… four! There's FOUR of you!" then with a farting sound he dissolved to dust.

"I WARN YOU, I HAVE A TASER!" Faith was shouting.

Bye bye, Carlisle.

_"Muffins really matter… Anyone can pee…"_

"STAR WARS IS NOTHIN BUT A LORD OF THE RINGS RIP OFF!"

"STAY AWAY FROM MY BRUSSEL SPROUTS!"

The stake barely jerked in Buffy's hand as it plunged into Jasper's heart.

_"If you really want to you can flyyyy! Over the rainbow!" _Oz howled, and jumped off the table.

"SCONEY… My precious…"

Buffy staked Esme.

"Stop eating the mushrooms, you drunks."

And finally, she sent Emmet to hell with a flourish. The last thing she heard before passing oout was an angel from the heavens singing o her:

"_Oh, baby, baby baby, dough, like…"_

**A/N2: Hey, I just went over my list of characters and I forgot Anya… crap.**

CeleryRox was lying in her celery colored bed in an ugly pastel nightgown a couple sizes too big, typing away at her chapter and hoping that she wouldn't fall asleep. She paused to stare blankly at the random stick of deodorant sitting on her nightstand. How she hated powder fresh…

NO! She had to get this chappie finished before 12:00 or Vera would sic the minkles on her, willow626 would attack her with plot bunnies, Anon would flame her using creative pennames, Oh My Freakin' Freakin' would hack into her account and post really bad Pokemon failfiction to make everyone hate her, and everyone else would team up with the German curling team and bomb her science teacher's house. Except for gerbils4ever, who would just sit on her bed and eat a bunch of pickles.

Actually, none of them would give a crap, but that would encourage bad work ethic. So we won't think about that…

There was a tapping at the window. She lifted her blinds and looked out. Her crush was standing outside her window. She squeed and opened it up.

"Hi, why didn't you include Anya in your story?" he asked dreamily.

"Coz I forgot!"

"THEN YOU SHALL DIE!" her friend turned into Anya and picked up a chainsaw.

"NOOOOO!"

VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!

**A/N3: Yeah, I just wrote a story about myself dying… I'm a failure. Next chappie Tuesday! Hope you guys liked this one!**

**Review, you drunks. **


	21. Fireworks

**A/N: HEYS YALLS! Welcome to chappie 21! It's another Spike one… yeah. Took Anon's suggestion for cigarette + vampy. It's kinda shorty. THERE ARE A COUPLE OF THINGS WOULD LIKE TO ADRESS: **

**1 I have made my descision, this story will be 50 chapters long. **

**2 I am sorry to be so late getting to reviews, but I like to do "research" (watch corresponding Buffy episodes) for the ones with more obscure chracters, but unfortunately I haven't been able to find time to watch BtVS since I started writing this story. (THAT'S 42 DAYS! BE VERY GLAD THAT I CONTINUE THIS CRAP!) happily, this leads to **

**3 I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!**

**To my reviewers:**

**Vera Amber: HAHA! I had a dream about minkles chasing me last night the were all chanting "Shun the nonbeliever… Shun…". But they all turned into smurfs halfway through. And then I was attacked by st Fang of Boredom's Justin, and that was **_**really**_** weird. YOU'RE JEALOUS OF MY CRAPPY WORK ETHIC? And I'm jealous of you, because you still have your tv privledges ****. I'm hyper and slaphappy mwahahaha!**

**Gerbils4ever: Fine, gerby. You're sitting on your bed, eating peanut butter girl scout cookies. Capiche? ****thnx.**

**Oh My Freakin' Freakin': LOLZ! *Goes to kitchen to make toaster art***

**Okay, then, you can have gerby's pickles. She doesn't like them, apparently *death stare*. My door is next to the bathroom door, unfortunately. And pudding does go well with pickles! WHEN WILL PEOPLE START LISTENING! My A/N is like a freakin novel. ****thank you for reviewing!**

**Fireworks**

Spike was standing in the local CVS behind a cash register, feeling his brains slowly ooze out of his ears.

Yes, CVS. He had gotten a job because Buffy told him she was breaking up with him if he didn't get a job. He had tried McDonalds, Wal-mart, Krispy Kreme, anything a self respecting non-worker like himself would do. But eventually, it had came to this. He was working part time at a drugstore.

Thud! Approximately twenty bottles of hairspray, mousse, gel, and other unidentified products was duped upon the counter. Without looking at his customer, he stiffly scanned the items through and shoved them in (individual) bags.

"Nice weather today, eh?"

"Shut up," Spike spat though gritted teeth. He didn't think he could take more of this. Thirty minutes was way too long to suffer.

"Uh… why are you putting them all in separate bags?" his customer asked. Spike finally looked up at him. Young guy, spiky hair, makeup, reeked of flowers.

"Shut UP!"

"That's quite bad for the environment, you know."

Spike flung the twenty bags at him. "Freakin have a bloody nice day!"

"Hey, aren't you going to give me my receipt? I'm making a collage of-"

"WAAAH!" Spike wailed and jumped over the counter to assault his customer. He picked up a hairbrush in one hand, a mini rake in another, and whacked him liberally.

But alas, the moment of bliss would not last…

"Hey! Hey, Spike? SPIKE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" It was his manager. The large bald guy dragged him off of the other guy and held him out of reach.

"That is unacceptable work behavior! You fired! No questions asked."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Spike let out a long, drawn out scream of hysteria that continued as he walked to his car, got in, sat down. Then he stared blankly out the window for a couple seconds before starting the engine and quietly driving off.

Later that night, he pulled up to 123 Happy Ponies Rd. It had pink paint ad purple shutters… yeah. He had looked up the guy who had gotten rid of his job, and this was where he lived. His name was Edward Cullen. He also hadn't paid his electrical bill in three years. Not that Spike cared.

He walked up the front walkway bordered invitingly by dead petunias. When he reached the door, he pulled back and punched as hard as vampirically (yes, it's a word) possible. It didn't budge. So he kicked it and it opened easily.

Immediately when the door opened, he smelled the strong reek of sewage. Eew. He reluctantly entered the living room, painted brown with an artichoke colored trim, combined with a lovely mottled pink carpet.

He took a bottle of silly string out of his purse man-bag.

The metal was cold against his hand as he squirted around and around the room at random, screaming "WEEEEEEEEEE!".

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! He had another nineteen cans in his large purse man-bag.

After all cans were empty, he left with a warm, fuzzy feeling.

The next night, Spike was coming back from a walk. He unlocked the door and opened it. He looked up to see a bucket of water slowly tilting towards him…

With a crash, it all splashed down on him. It was icy cold, and completely ruined his night.

Later, he was out for a walk with Buffy.

"So, let me get this straight. You assaulted some poor guy because he asked for a receipt? With a hairbrush and a metal hand rake? Have you completely lost your mind?" she asked, incredulous.

Spike said, "I had survived thirty minutes of that crap! I'm bloody proud of myself, if you ask me!"

"You're unbelievable."

Spike took another step… AND SAW HIM.

HE was walking along the sidewalk, hands in pockets, whistling as if he was innocent.

BUT SPIKE KNEW HE WASN'T.

He thought back to the drugstore. What was his weakness? …AHA! An evil plan formed slowly in his brain **(we're going to pretend he has a brain, for the sake of the story)**, at the same time the smile spread slowly across his face.

Buffy sighed, "And now you've gotten another one of your "evil" plans, haven't you?"

"I'm not evil! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

He took out a cigarette and lit it.

"Okay, so while you're going and having your evil smoke, I'm going to get a soda. Goodbye."

As HE came closer, Spike threw his cigarette at the pedestrian. His aim was perfect, despite his brainlessness.

POOF!

The spiky haired vampire ignited into a great, sparkling, magenta ball of fire. It was… amazing. It was… wonderful. It was… EVIL

Buffy came back a couple minutes later to find him cackling wildly nest to what appeared to be a giant sparkler. She wordlessly took his beer bottle away and dumped it out.

**A/N: PRETTY COLORS…**


	22. Back Pain

**A/N: welcome to a very violent chapter of To Kill a Sparkly Vamp. Be excited. (22 already? Gee, I'm losing count) It is unfortunately short, only one scene.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Oh My Freakin' Freakin': FEAR NOT! THERE WILL BE SEQUEL! But not a Buffy crossover. Just a twilight parody. I want to see if I get flamed by the fans… ****I will make a toast/pickle/pudding sandwich for breakfast tomorrow as a science experiment mwahaha. Your suggestion is awesomeness. Will use. No, will use **_**vampirically**_**. Yes.**

**Willow626: SO SORRY I LEFT YOUR REPLY OUT OF LAST CHAPPIE ****Please don't torture me with Justin and Miley *cowers* I beg you… And I have been not getting around to that suggestion for long enough, I'll use it soon. Have to do some research on Dawn, though.**

**Anon: And twilight makes the perfect last minute bonfire! YAY! Heeheehee… lawn rakes… and chainsaws…**

**Have fun!**

**--CeleryRox**

**Back Pain**

Faith was having a bad day. Her newest boyfriend had escaped it's cage, and her hair didn't look right, and she had lost her favorite black leather jacket, and had to wear one of her many backups. She was so not in the mood to be messed with today.

She slumped to her bedroom and sat down in the soft, poufy chair by the window. She closed her eyes and relaxed, wishing only to feel the cold glass against her face and maybe take a small catnap. Through the glass, she could hear the birds singing quietly and the roar of the leaves in the wind. And then there was this other sound, a high pitched, nasally giggling.

She sighed and shifted her weight around to look out the window. In her front lawn, there was a strange guy pirouetting amongst the roses, a small cluster behind his ear and another dangling from his fingers. His skin sparkled in the late afternoon sun as if he had dumped craft glitter all over himself. His orange hair stayed stiffly in position despite his energetic frolicking, perhaps because of the massive amount of mouse obviously slicked across it.

Faith groaned and shot up out of her seat to tell the stranger off.

He didn't acknowledge her when she opened the door to tell him exactly what she thought of his ballet skills, or when the sound of the door slamming shut echoed down the street. He just paused in his twirling to take a dainty bite of rose petal, how he loved the taste of pesticides…

"HEY! You there, weird gay person, what are you doing in my rose garden?" she shouted at him. Mrs. Brown, the old lady watering her gardenias across the street, stared at her as she held the industrial size pitcher in one spot.

"La la la da do dum de uhhhhh-hhaaa…" he sang.

"SHUT UP!" she slapped the back of her hand against his face.

"Blehhh…" he fell over backwards.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY FLOWERS?"

"I'm a ballerina!" he cried, "Wanna see?", and arose to demonstrate.

"No, in fact, I don't." She grabbed him and spun him around. Faith dug into the back of his neck with her fingernails, puncturing the skin and feeling around in the soft flesh for his spinal cord. Warm blood ran down his back and her arm. He screamed in agony, but made no move to struggle, because that would be undignified, and ballerinas are very dignified.

She found bone and pulled. Hard. Until she ripped out his spine with a grunt of satisfaction. The sparkly gay guy lay motionless on the ground.

She whacked him several times with his spine until she was sure he was dead. Then she beheaded him with a garden gnome and threw him into the street, where he was promptly run over by some fool who had painted his windows black.

Mrs. Brown was standing next to her plants with an empty pitcher in horror.

"_What?"_

The poor lady rushed inside to hide.

**A/N: I was feeling like being violent today… this is great for anger management. What did you think? Tell me! Not sure when I will post, but probably tomorrow because I won't be able to on Sat of Sun, so you may get 23 early.**

**If you don't review, you'll know why there's an army of gnomes with tutus standing outside your door ready to attack you with their hairbrushes and meatloaf when the time comes…**

**PS: EDIT: HAVE PUBLISHED SHORT TWILIGHT PARODY. CHECK IT OUT IF YOU WANNA!**


	23. Happy valentines Day!

**A/N: Yay I **_**did **_**get it finished in time! Sorry it's short, but I'm about out of time. My good friend Gerby (Gerbils4ever) is reading over my shoulder as I write this. She says hi. And she wants me to make longer chapters. Oh well. She is madly in love with Yoda, by the way. They're engaged. But it won't work out because she's having an affair with Darth Vader. Just sayin.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Willow626: I know how you feel. Writing in the morning sux. Like writing at 11:00. Except, with coffee. Thanks for the idea!**

**Anon: Thanks a lot! Gerby agrees with your last sentence. She's threatening me with revoking my cookie privledges. But I have a secret stash under my bed. Mwahaha. But that's what sequels are for! And random one shots. Loved your idea, btw. (Gerby just read the last part and ran to look under my bed. Hehehe.)**

**ENJOY! Once again, sorry for the shortness.**

**Happy Valentine's day!**

It was Valentine's day, and Bella was very excited.

"EEEEEEEEE!" she squealed, jumping up and down and making the house shake.

Charlie, who was sitting on the couch with tissues stuffed in his ears, groaned. She had been at it all day, since 5:00 in the morning when she woke him up.

"AREN'T YOU EXCITED FOR ME?"

Charlie wailed and ran to his room to hide.

Bella kept screaming for a while, but when she finally got tired of it she went by the window to wait for her date. They were going to a fancy restaurant. She was already dressed up in a very bulky orange velvet dress with six inch heels and enough makeup to make an oil painting.

A car drove past, so she squealed even though it wasn't Edward. Hehehe… that was fun… she did it again when the cable guy went past.

"MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!" Charlie yelled from his bedroom.

"EEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" but Bella ignored him, for a big limousine pulled up to the house splattered with bird droppings. Edward had been too cheap to send the very expensive limo through the car wash. He got out, waved at Bella, and threw the keys over his shoulder. He wouldn't be needing them, he had learned how to hotwire a car. Pull random wires and superglue them together.

Bella ran out of the house and embraced him.

"OH EDDIEKINS, I'M SO EXCITED EEEEEEEE!"

"Uh… yeah," he was too busy staring at her bare neck to care.

"GUESS WHAT?"

"What?" he asked noncommittally.

"I GOTS YOU A FLOWER!" she held up a long stemmed rose, complete with thorns. It was wilting a little, but she had made it special by pasting glitter all over it.

"Uh… thanks? Oh hey, it's pretty!" he said, and snatched the rose. He felt a briar pierce his pinky finger, but was too busy staring at the preeetty sparkly flower to care. He never even realized he was dead.

Bella stared blankly at the pile of sparkles on the ground that had once been her boyfriend.

"… dang it, now I have to go order a new cardboard cut out boyfriend. Hmmph." And she went inside to do so.

**A/N2: Well, byes! Gerby is witing a story beside me, wish her luck. I am editor (n chief mwahaha). She can't find the period LOL. Anyway, see on Monday. Will be working on Willow's idea.**

**Review, or Gerby will take away your cookie privledges.**


	24. Training Session

**A/N: blurg. Another shortie… Some things I need to review:**

**1 So sorry the last four or so chapters have been sloppy. It's because I keep putting it all off until 9:00 day of chapter. I will make an effort to get more writing done the day before, bring the quality up to par.**

**2 I am going to have a very busy summer. When school goes out, I will be posting every single day I can in order to make up for vacation time and that.**

**3 CHANGE OF PLANS: THERE WILL NOW BE 100 CHAPPIES INSTEAD OF 50. The voices told me 100 was a prettier number. And I really can't bear to think that I'm almost halfway done. So now I'm almost one quarter done.**

**To my reviewers:**

**Gerby: Yes, but how does this make YOU feel? Who broke up with who?**

**Anon: Unfortunately, not very violent **** I'll make the next one extra violent, though.**

**Willow626: Peach cakes? That's a new one **** Or he could dress up as the Easter bunny and go skipping around stealing people's candy mwahaha.**

**Vera: My part's straight when it comes to non squiggly-ness, but it tends to start in the middle and go diagonally from there. –flashback- me: why is one side of my hair poufy and the other completely flat? Mom: you parted it sideways. Me: **_**genius**_**. You can call me anything. You could even call me Roxy. No wait, that's a character on some crappy Disney show. Don't call me that.**

**Training Session**

Buffy and Dawn were walking through the graveyard one night to slay vampires. Really, what else would they be doing? Practicing necrophilia?

Buffy stopped by a large mausoleum and pulled herself up. Dawn came up and sat behind her on the rough concrete, covered by an abundance of vines.

"So… what do we do now?" Buffy had finally agreed to Dawn's idea of tagging along. Reluctantly agreed.

"We sit, and we wait, and we do what the slayer tells us to, because she knows what she's doing."

"Oh. Okay."

"The slayer says to shut up now," Buffy said bluntly. Dawn shut up. They stared off into the big, empty night sky and wondered why they couldn't ever see any stars here.

"So first I guess I'll teach you how to immobilize a vampire to ask it questions," she said. Dawn nodded. "You can talk now."

"What type of questions?"

"The 'Take me to your leader' sort of questions. Now we have to wait a long time for a vampire to come along. This might take a while, and sometimes they're quite stealthy, so we have to stay alert and-"

"HOLY CRAP I'M STANDING ON A DEAD GUY!" a very loud voice called from the other end. With a sigh, Buffy jumped of and walked over to see what the heck was going on. Dawn followed. There was a guy with bronze hair standing on a gravestone. He was wearing shiny black skinny jeans and a pink girl's Abercrombie top.

"Cower, filthy vermin! Your master has come to claim your souls and drink your blood!" he crowed and waved his arms about.

"Uh… are you a vampire?" Buffy asked hesitantly.

"How did you know?"

Dawn frowned at Buffy. So this was a vampire? Not exactly as epic as described. And she really didn't expect them to use that much hair gel.

Buffy leaped at Edward and sent him toppling from his pedestal. He hit the ground with a loud thud, with Buffy on top of him.

"Hey, that's not very nice!"

Buffy looked over at Dawn and said, "At this point, we question him."

Dawn crept closer. "Now what?"

"Now, you try."

She let go of Edward and he stood up, brushing the dust off him. Dawn sprinted up to him, as he stared in mild confusion. She kicked him where it counts and he was back on the ground with a moan of agony.

"Is it always this easy?" She asked, very confuzzled.

"Of course not. This guy is an insult to petty criminals worldwide."

Dawn took a closer look at the insult to petty criminals and noticed something. "Is it just me… or is he actually sparkling?"

Buffy looked at him and sighed. "Joy, now the petty douche vampire sparkles. He's definitely going to rule the world at this rate.

"Actually, the ladies love the sparkles."

"Shut up, sparkleboy."

"Fine."

"No, really, shut up."

"Shutting up- Ow." Buffy kicked him in the side. But suddenly she was shoved from behind by an unidentified thing. She stumbled forward, but didn't fall. Twisting, she saw what appeared to be a grown woman standing behind her. She was dressed in all black leather and was wearing black leather sunglasses to match.

"You just leave my daddy alone!" Reacting quickly, Dawn came up behind her and threw her violently to the ground. Buffy felt a burst of pride—her sister learned quickly.

"Who are you?" Dawn asked intimidatingly.

"Renesmee Cullen. Who are you?" The brat asked cockily.

Dawn looked at Buffy with a question in her eyes. The slayer mimed stabbing, and Renesmee pulled out a stake and plunged it into her heart. Then she looked back at Buffy and said, "Hey… First kill…"

"Wait a minute, did you just kill my daughter?" questioned Edward.

"Yep," said Buffy.

"Oh… that's okay, I never really liked her anyway."

"What are we going to do with him?"

A beautiful thought struck Buffy, and five minutes later the sparkleboy was tied to a gravestone listening to his good friends Miley, Justin, and the Jonas bros. But it didn't really work out, because he actually liked them, so Buffy hacked his head off with a pointy rod from the cast iron fence.  
**A/N2: special chappie next.**

**Review or the Jo bros will sing to you. Scary…**


	25. Edward Robs Abercrombie

**A/N I am about twelve minutes away from being late posting right now.. Yay ****! I'm such a procrastinator… Anyway, welcome to chappie 25. You are ¼ of the way there. Congrats! In this chappie Edward robs Abercrombie. Have fun.**

**I have decided that I will not be posting the replies to the reviews in the story anymore because it takes up a lot of space and Vera showed me a way I can reply via email. Except for anonymous reviewers in which case:**

**To Anon: Actually it was Dawn staking Renesmacrap, I need to fix that typo… Thanks! I need to do some research on Harmony first, tho.**

**Enjoy!**

**-CeleryRox**

**Edward Robs Abercrombie**

I was beginning to wonder how far her patience could stretch. Willow and I were in Abercrombie.

Yes, Abercrombie.

"Oh, I think this one's a little cute, what do you think?" Cordelia asked, shoving a pink t-shirt with Abercrombie written in huge letters across the front in our faces I could see no difference between it and the numerous other t-shirts around her.

"Umm…"said Willow.

"You're right. Neckline too high. We'll keep looking."

I sighed and rested her head against the wall. We had been dragged all over the stupid mall to Aéropostale, Hollister, hot topic, Forever 21, and now Abercrombie. When Cordelia had called us to go shopping, we had thought it meant leisure time hanging out. So we had accepted the $20 dollar bribe she offered and didn't wonder why she needed to bribe them. It was assumed her friends were just busy, not that she needed slaves to carry her shopping bags and count the money.

"Hey. Look at this one!"

I sank down to a sitting position against the wall. This would be a while… at least I don't have homework.

All the girls around me gasped. Greeeeaat. Here comes Taylor Lautner.

"EVERYONE PUT DOWN THE MERCHANDISE AND NOBODY GETS SHOT!"

Taylor with a gun? Oh. It wasn't Taylor Lautner. Good.

The guy with the gun had poufy hair that stuck out in every possible direction. He probably had to use electric eals to pull that look off. He had red circles around his honey colored eyes, and his skin was tinted gray as if he had a five o'clock shadow on every part of his body. His shirt was gray, accompanied by jeans and… ballet flats. And he was holding a gun. That was kinda important at the time. I felt like cheering. Finally, someone to take care of the shopaholics…

There was a thud. Cordelia had dropped the twenty or so tops she was holding. Willow and I unceremoniously ditched her bags in the nearest trash receptacle.

"NOW SIT DOWN AND DON'T MOVE!" the gunner bellowed. We obeyed. He walked a couple paces to a rack and began pulling every piece of clothing of the hanger, examining it, and dumping them all in a pile.

"Hey… you do know that's the plus size rack…" called one of the cashier girls.

"Shuttup. Just in case Bells ever gets prego…" he stopped and laughed to himself. "As if that would happen…"

Shopping for his girl? Poor sap.

"And besides, these shirts make great nightshirts."

He means for her, right?

"If only they come in men sizes, that would be much easier," he smiled and nodded, "That's brilliance, I should make some calls…" and he kept sifting through the rack. Slowly.

After a couple of minutes, a middle aged woman (shopping for her daughter?) called out, "Hey, could you hurry up?"

"Shuttup."

Another voice joined in, "Yeah, I've got a date, ya know."

"Shuttup or I shoot you wid my pistol."

I looked closer at the pistol. Hey… was that a starter pistol?

"OOO… I feel pretty." He had put on a pink shirt two sizes too small. And that was definitely a starter pistol. Haha… This should be fun…

"Where do they keep the push up bras?" he was talking to the other cashier girl.

"Umm, I don't know, I just started working here." That voice was really familiar. What was… _Xander_.

"XANDER?"

"Don't look t me, I couldn't get a job anywhere else!"

So Xander was working at Abercrombie. But the day (night now) would get even weirder, because at that moment, Angel walked in.

"Angel? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

He looked confused. "Why is everybody sitting down? Why are there a bunch of bags stuffed in the trash can? And… Who's _that guy up at front in a girly shirt and ballet flats holding a scarlet push up bra and a starter pistol?_"

"We're being robbed," I said calmly.

"Oh, okay then."

"Hi Angel!" Willow waved furiously. We're being _robbed_!"

"Hi."

The dude with the gun turned around and saw Angel. "Hey, you! Sit down!"

But a grin was slowly spreading across Angel's features. "I know you…" he grinned creepily.

"Sit down or I shoot you!"

Angel turned around and walked out the exit. He came back in with a… chainsaw?

"You never paid me back for that beer…" VROOM, VROOM, VROOOOM!

"BWAAAAA!" Edward threw the gun at him. But Angel kept coming with the spinny chain of death.

VRR-_squelch!_ Blood and chunks of pulp were thrown all over he room as the chain bit down into his skull. Eventually, there was not even enough of the gunner to make a meatball out of. Finally, angel tossed the chainsaw behind him (hitting Xander in the head, causing him to pass out), grabbed Willow and I, and walked out the store. The other people shrugged and followed him out.

"Where's Cordelia?" Willow asked. I looked over and saw her walking out of Limited Too. "RUN!" We ran.

_Later that night…_

The shop had closed up, leaving the blood and guts of the gunner strewn throughout the store. The cashier girl had left in a hurry, and not paid attention to who was still there.

"Nnn…" Xander sat up and looked around. "Hello?" He stood up. Then the awful truth became known…

"HELP ME! I'M LOCKED IN ABERCROMBIE WITH THE GUTS OF A GAY ROBBR WHO WAS KILLED BY MY FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND SPRAYED ACROSS THE FLOOR! HEEEELP!"

**A/N2: Poor Xander… Next chappie fri! Oh crap… four minutes! Yipe!**

**Edit: hahaha, LOL I literally posted this at 11:58. Whew!**


	26. YOU HAVE BEEN EXPELLED!

**A/N: Chapter 26 as ****threatened****. I really like this chapter… I kinda took a break halfway through, that's probably why the second half delves into insanity. But, haha, more fun for meee! Everyone give a warm welcome to our good friend, Principal Snyder.**

**To Anon: Glad you liked it! Hope you like this one. I always keep a weedwhacker by my bed for that purpose—chainsaws don't make as fun noises. Shirtless Edward=pure, flabby fail. But Angel and Spike pwn.**

_**Random comment- umm… everytime I misspell a word, my spelling suggestion is Metempsychosis. Depending on how badly I misspell a word, there are also variations of that, including Metempsychoses, Metempsychoses', and Metempsychosis'. There is a vast collection of combinations of these which I assume are designed to let me know how badly I failed. Has anyone else had this problem or am I **__**LOSING MY MIND? **_

**EDIT: I originally typed this chapter with the help of strikethroughs, but as it turns out they don't show up. So I have replaced the strikethroughs with I MEAN. Wish I could have used it bu *shrugs* you kinda get what you get.**

**YOU HAVE BEEN EXPELLED!**

Edward and Bella spun in slow circles to the music, his hand on her waist and hers on his shoulder. They looked hungrily into eachother's eyes. It was the prom, and Bella had never felt so in tune with her partner. She wanted for them to stay this way forever. But just as she thought this, Edward pulled away.

"Bella, I must tell you something."

She felt her heart plummet in fear. "What is it, my dearest?"

"I'm moving to a city called Sunnydale."

The horror! She felt she might die. "What, when? Why? It's not me, is it? Of course it's not me…"

His face was grave, the sneer for once absent. "It is everything about you. My presence endangers you, and I cannot let that happen. I hope you can manage to save yourself from the rapists and the cracks in the concrete you so often trip over."

"But… when?"

His face suddenly lit up. "Right now! BYE BYE!" he said, and darted away, sniggering.

Bella felt her heart had been ripped in two. She fell gracefully I MEAN clumsily, but with strange gracefulness, to the glossy gym floor and sobbed.

The next day, Principal Snyder was walking I MEAN striding through the teeming halls of Sunnydale, plotting. What was he plotting? Generally his plan for world domination/destruction as usual, but a major thing on his mind was how to get rid of that Buffy girl for good. He knew she was the slayer, he could get her about something like that, maybe…

He was lost in thought, and did not see the fluffy haired pretty boy vampire speeding through the halls utilizing his skillz. Well, he did not see him until he crashed into him, spilling the principal's coffee all down his shirt. The vampire did not notice and kept going.

_Great_, thought Snyder,_ now I have to plot _his _expulsion too_. So he walked I MEAN strode back into his office to look at some paperwork. After a while, he found Edward's despicable creature I MEAN student interest survey that all despicable creatures I MEAN students had to take before transferring. He read through it, and a smile broke across his face…

Edward Cullen did not know what to expect as he entered the principal's office. He expected that the man wanted to lick his boots welcome him to the school like everybody else.

"Hello Edward Cullen, I am your principal. Please sit down."

The Cullen was thrown off by the brusque greeting, but decided to grace the poor man with his presence. He pitied him, what with his lack of sparkles I MEAN balding head and coffee all down his shirt.

"First of all, are you aware that you spilled coffee on my shirt?"

Edward smiled. "Oh you're welcome- Uh, I mean, sorry."

"That's okay. Now, on your student interest survey you said that you were a vampire." Principal Snyder said in his Principal Snyder voice.

"Yeah. I didn't want to hide anymore."

Now Snyder smiles. "Yes, it must be very tiring _deleting all your records_."

"Yes, yes, that takes forever, hacking into computer databases and-" He stopped short, because Snyder had picked up a stapler and stabled his arm to the chair. "Ow!" Snyder stapled his other arm and other body parts too.

"That's not very nice! Did you really have to staple Edward Junior to the chair too?"

"_You named your…?"_

"Yeah… and Junior's mad at you now."

"Oh, I'm terrified. This may hurt, by the way." Principal Snyder picked up a ruler and adjusted his grip. _"You have been expelled!" _(that was his catchphrase for moments like this) And he took the ruler and jammed it into Edward's heart. He hadn't expected the jamming, he had always imagined it as more of a plunging motion. He had never stabbed anyone with a ruler, see. His weapon of choice was usually a pineapple, or maybe a garden gnome—those were always fun. But he had thought that the ruler would be more like a knife than either of those.

The ruler was slippery with blood before he finally reached the heart and Edward Cullen melted into sparkly dust. That was new. The great thing about killing vampires was that all their bodily evidence went with them. So no messy cleanups like with the despicable creatures I MEAN students. They screamed like little girls, unfortunately, but nothing soundproof walls couldn't fix. He snapped himself out of the reverie and called Buffy Summers to his office.

When Buffy walked into his office, she knew exactly what to expect. Unlike Edward, she had a good sense of anticipation. And she had been anticipating.

"Why hello Buffy, please don't bother sitting down, this won't take too long."

Buffy looked at the seat. It had lots of staples that outlined a figure almost human. The worn leather was completely covered in sparkles, and there was a large ruler sticking out of exactly where the heart would have been.

"Having fun?" she asked drily.

"Yes, In fact I am, thank you for asking. Buffy Su-"

"You know this office is right up against the girl's bathroom?"

"Yes, I do, thank you. Now-"

"There is this certain spot in the handicapped stall where you forgot to install soundproofing."

"Um… I guess I will fix that," he said, thrown by this comment. It was impossible to have left out the soundproofing… except for… ah.

"Please do."

"Buffy Summers, I know that you are the Slayer-"

"And I've read your diary-"

"you have ki-"

"Water balloons won't help you in your quest to take over the world-"

"-lled a fellow student-"

"-and world domination will never make Justin Beiber love you-"

"SHUT UP! I am trying to deliver my catchphrase!" he shouted. Buffy shut up and smirked at him.

"Buffy summers, you have been EXPELLED! MWEEHEEHEEE!"

A couple minutes ticked by, and Buffy said nothing. Then:

"Well, that took you long enough."

Snyder was, once again, perplexed. "Huh?"

"I was only staying in school because I didn't want to lose The Bet!"

"What bet?"

"SO LONG, SUCKAS, I'M FREEEE!" Her voice echoed down the hallway and several doors slammed. She took off cackling loudly, and even more doors slammed.

**A/N2: Yays! I'm happy with myself, I finished earlier. The Mweeheehee is something of an inside joke with me, Gerby, and our good friend M. And of course theworldwaitsforNobody, who actually said it.**

**Nobody: I should be evil. I have the evil laugh (MWAHAHA!) the evil giggle (MWEEHEEHEE!) and even the evil sneeze. (MWACHOO!)**

**Yeah, we know each other from like… school.**

**Anyway, next chappie on Sun. beware, it may be a little short because of previous plans.**

**C YALL!**


	27. Warm Fuzzies

**A/N: Hello. Running late again, but I'll probably make it before 11:58 this time. Short like I said it would be, but I think it's okay. Best I could do in the limited time. I went camping. ****suckers.**

**To Anon: EDWARD GETS ATTACKED WITH FLYSWATTER! YES! You have prompted a major plot bunny! *huggles* I need to make list of random household items to kill Sparklepouf with.(heeheehee… I added Sparklepouf to dictionary and told autocorrect to capitalize it… *feels very proud) curtain rods, spinning fan blades (OF DOOM), nightstands… endless possibilities.**

**Warm Fuzzies**

Spike was out for a walk. The night was muggy and generally uncomfortable, but he didn't mind. Well, not too much anyway. He could hear the sound of the tree frogs… making tree frog noises and stuff like that. A passing car illuminated a sign in somebody's yard. The light made his eyes betray his wishes ad read the sign: FREE PAPILLON PUPPIES!

Foolish driver! He would track him/her down and murder him/her with pleasure for forcing him to read, just as soon as this chip came out! He would remember the license plate number forever… aw crap. Now he was reading license plates… the horror…

What the heck was a Papillon, anyway? A dog apparently. He would go in and find out for himself, he told himself, because no word should dare to conceal its meaning from him. Actually, it was because he wanted to add a word to his vocabulary on accounta he was traumatized from the time in third grade when he got 25% in English and needed to convince himself he wasn't a failure, but just go with it.

Feeling very evil, Spike snuck around the side of the house and saw his opportunity: a (second story) bathroom window that he just knew would be unlocked from the movies. So he dug his fingers into the strips of plastic stuff (siding, but he didn't know that word either) on the sides of the house and climbed up with his ninja skillz. After a whole lot of effort he was at the window, which was actually locked.

With the help of more ninja skills (including his fist) he tumbled into the house and onto the toilet seat. Luckily it was closed. He quietly got up and looked at the boring white bathroom. White walls, white curtains, the only not white thing was the green mold around the edge of the rug. The place even smelled white. He opened the white door and walked out.

The hallway was beige. There was even a little beige dog on the beige rug that he stopped to pet. It was very cute, with really big ears.

After looking through the rest of the house and finding no "Papillon" dog, he took the beige one as revenge. He named her Marcy. (Actually it was a he, but he didn't know too much about dogs.)

Soon he was back at his walk with Marcy dragging behind him on a string he found in his pocket.

Eventually a strange figure came into view. It was skipping along with what appeared to be a bouquet of flowers. His hair was bronze colored (dyed?) and his eyes kept changing color from black to something Spike felt a strong urge to cal "topaz".

"Hi, man," the guy said. His voice was very scratchy. Smoker, spike immediately thought to himself.

"Uh… hi. What's with the flowers?" The flowers in question looked like they had been pulled from random gardens along the way. Mums, roses… was that deadly nightshade that had a bite shaped hole in a leaf?

"They're for Bells. OHMYGOSHAPAPILLON!" he said, bending down to pet Marcy while his owner/thief/kidnapper/thingy shifted away vervously. "Hi little buddy…" Little buddy sniffed him.

"They're my favorite," he explained to Spike, who nodded. Then Marcy lifted his leg and peed on flower guy.

"Hey, that feels… WAAH IT PEED ON ME!" He shouted, and ran away screaming, his cries echoing down the street until finally fading. Spike reached down and petted Marcy. "Good girl," he said.

Edward was going as fast as vampirically… actually more like sparpirically possible. He felt the world flow into a blur around him. That was a cool thought… he forgot his terror and went even faster.

At that time, Xander was hanging his underwear on a clothesline. His dryer had broke yesterday, so he was hanging his underwear out to dry tonight so the neighbors wouldn't see that it was pink with ballerina frogs all over it. Embarrassing… He really needed to tell Mom to stop buying him stuff.

He wasn't aware of the sparkle-rrific gender confuzzled vamp speeding towards him. He was not aware, but he would be in a couple seconds.

Edward Cullen did not see the clothesline before him. But he felt the burning pain as his head was sliced off by the sagging rope. The last emotion he would ever feel was confusion as to why there was pink, frog embellished underwear before him. And then nothing.

The sparklepire had exploded right by all of Xander's previously clean underwear. Now it was coated in ashes with the partially burnt remains of his bouquet sprinkled artistically across. Xander sighed and shook his head. Then he gathered it all back together and went back inside to rewash.

**A/N: the only time Xander and Spike will ever work together on anything… haha. Have a nice mem day!**

**Review or the nightshade comes…**

**11:57? CRAP! RUN, CELE, RUN!**

**(EDIT: literally posted at 11:59. Made it by five seconds. I counted. Dang, that was scary...)**


	28. Tartar Sauce

**A/N: KK, this is a very strange chappie, but too bad, I'm going to bed.**

**Anon: Yeha, maybe a Pomeranian would have been better. Thx for suggestions!**

**Tartar Sauce**

Edward, Bella, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Jacob were all walking along one bright spring day. The day smelled of spring, and cute little bunnies hopped around while butterflies flitted around and little ducklings were dying of the water pollution. The six friends were very unhappy because it was sunny. They didn't like the sun because they were all emo. But they still walked around in it just to demonstrate how very emo they were.

"I'M SO EMO!" Jasper screeched, cutting himself with a garden gnome. Nobody responded. They were too emo.

"OMG look a poster!" Edward shouted. He pointed to a bright poster and everybody went unenthusiastically to gaze mournfully upon it.

GO TO SUNNYDALE! IT'S WHERE ALL THE COOL EMO VAMPS ARE THESE DAYS! It read, in a bright red font. Below it was a picture of a bleached blonde vampire in an oversized leather jacket and a brunette vampire with dark eyes in the process of beating each other up.

"LET'S GO THERE!" Edward cried sorrowfully.

"Whatever," Everybody else said. Except for Jasper, who had left to find a better garden gnome.

The very next day at Sunnydale high, Buffy and willow were walking along to their next classes. It was midday, and the rest of the student body was all talking about the hawt newcomers.

"So did you hear about the Cullens?" Willow asked Buffy.

Buffy gave her a withering look."I thought that was old news."

"NOBODY LOVES ME!" a random guy exclaimed, running past them.

Buffy and Willow kept walking. That happened every day. "Well, it is old news, but they all sparkle like sparkly piñatas," Willow said.

"Stupid sparkly emo piñatas these days…" Buffy muttered darkly, yet not with the emo-ness that graced the Cullens.

"Hey, there's your class," Willow said, pointing.

"Biology? I thought I had English fourth period."

"Nope, biology. See you at lunch!" Willow waved and walked away.

That day at lunch, the Scooby gang (Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Oz) were sitting at a table in the cafeteria enjoying their lunches and conversations.

"Remember Buffy, you have Math next period," said Willow.

"I thought it was biology…" the confused blonde slayer said.

"No, that was last period."

Buffy shook herself. "Well, I was certain the teacher was speaking French."

"Buffy…"

Then, through the teeming crowd, a group of teenagers everybody called The Gods now came to their humble table. The leader, an especially sparkly boy with bronze colored hair smirked down at the assembled scoobies.

"Hello," he said with major angst.

"Hi. Go away," Oz said cheerily. But his wish was not granted.

"You know, you're kinda cute. In an emo sort of way," Edward said enticingly, looking Xander up and down.

"GAH! Freaky bronze dude!" Xander pointed and fell out of his chair.

Now the shirtless spray tan guy at the back spoke up. "Wanna go out?"

"Shut up, fuzzy, nobody loves you," Alice muttered prophetically.

Buffy and Willow were both wearing their best WTF? Faces. but Oz was holding back laughter. A couple of girls passing by had overheard the conversation, but they didn't seem to find it very funny.

Now Edward reached out to stroke his victims face. Buffy didn't know what to do. She picked up a handful of shiny red jell-O and threw it at the sparkly guy. It his his right cheek, and slid down slowly… Everybody in the café froze. Slowly, Edward lifted his tomato soup he was holding and sloshed it over Buffy, who flinched.

"FOOD FIGHT!" bellowed Oz. He scooped up the gritty mashed potatoes and flicked them on Fuzzy. With a nod from Edward, The Gods all attacked the scoobies.

Buffy was prepared and managed to pick up a slice of pizza before Edward jumped on her. She wiped the grease on his face and he jerked back in horror. "No! My clear, emo skin!"

"DON'T TOUCH MY EDDIEKINS!" Bella wailed, flinging her wilting salad at Buffy.

Buffy easily fended off the salad and turned around just in time to dump her chili in Alice's eyes, who cried, "NO! MY VISION!"

Xander was standing up on the table with an armload of baked potatoes. He danced from foot to foot while chucking the foil wrapped projectiles randomly and cackling.

Buffy felt Alice wrenched from her grasp as Oz grabbed her. "BWAHAHAHA!" He squirted hot sauce directly into her eyes. "NNOOOO!"

"WAAAH!" screamed Rosalie from under the table. She was hiding from the potentially hairdo destroying fight raging around her. The other students all stared in horror. These mortals dared throw their lunches at the gods? BLASPHEMY!

A couple hundred miles away, Jasper smiled. Finally, the perfect gnome for cutting…

CRASH! Rosalie exploded from under the table and landed on Buffy. Together they rolled across the linoleum floors, ramming into chairs and miscellaneous objects along the way. For a brief second, Buffy saw a corn dog lying amidst the dust. She saw her opportunity and reached for it.

A couple feet away, Willow smashed Emmett's face into a boat of mac n cheese.

Buffy instinctively plunged the end of the corn dog into Rosalie's heart. The blond exploded into a pile of sparkles. Vampires? She ran off to go steal some more corn dogs from the kitchen.

"DIE, YOU FREAKY STALKER SPARKLEY!" Xander shouted and wacked Edward repeatedly with an apple.

"Suck that, suckers!" Oz exclaimed, squirting everyone liberally with BQ sauce.

Buffy barged into the kitchen. The lunch lady hid her box of rat poison and glared at her through her spectacles. "What are you doing here?" she asked in a gravelly voice.

"I'll take these." Buffy picked up a container of corn dogs and ran.

"Hey, you didn't pay!" The lunch lady followed her with a frying pan.

Buffy raced back out to the cafeteria and put the bucket of corn dogs next to the table under which Bella hid, wailing. "HEY EVERYONE STAKE THEM, THEY'RE VAMPIRES!" Then the lunch lady hit her and she fell down.

Oz was the first to grab a corn dog. He elegantly swirled it around his fingers before plunging it into Jacob's heart. He moaned in agony before vaporizing. There was a crash and Buffy hit the lunch lady with the frying pan. The hair-netted chef fell unconscious and Buffy picked up a corn dog in each hand.

Willow hit Edward repeatedly with a plastic lunch tray, while Xander was occupied with stabbing Emmett with a spork. Then Buffy skewered Alice with a corn dog.

"GO TO HELL!" Oz yelled while whacking Bella with a wet noodle.

Emmett was turned to dust right as Xander went in for another go with his spork.

"Hey!"

"What? You were taking too long!" Buffy replied.

WOOSH! Edward was toast.

"Why does she get to kill him?" Xander whined.

"She got there before I did."

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" Principal Snyder shouted. Buffy wondered how long he had been there.

With a crash, the table fell on Bella. She died. How sad.

"GO TO MY OFFICE NOW!"

"EAT TARTAR SAUCE!" Oz leaped up and sprayed the principal.

**A/N: Uh… yeah. Well, review or you drown in tartar sauce.**

**GOODNIGHT!**


	29. Pizza

**A/N: hi. I'm early! YAY! Angels back in this chappé. It is quite… odd. So, yeah!**

**To Anon: Thankie! It would have been longer, but ran out of time. **** No such issues with this one!**

**PS: sorry I'm taking so long with bunnies. Exams, y'know, I really want to watch an episode to make sure I know what I'm doing, but there's so little time.**

**Pizza**

The room smelled of pizza. But the room had good reason to smell like pizza, for it was a Dominos. A very sucky Dominos at that, with sticky orange tile floors and peeling dirty walls. It was small too: just one person at the cash register. Angel sighed as he surveyed the room. This really sucked. He had to wear a stupid uniform and a stupid hat and be patient with the stupid little old lady in front of him. Mrs. Martin was her name, and her old sweater was lime green with a bunch of kittens on the front. She used a walker and dyed her hair to look like popcorn like so many her age.

"Oh, and looky there, I also have a coupon. Free kitty litter! You can have it if you like," she slowly said in a raspy voice.

"Ma'am, we're not a PetsMart, but I'm sure they'll take your coupons," he said calmly.

Mrs. Martin looked surprised and slightly offended. "What? But they take my coupons!" she cried.

"I'm very sorry ma'am, but we don't need your kitty litter," he explained. His boss stepped out of the kitchen where he was yelling at the chef. The boss man was a large man with an Italian accent and an impressive set of lungs. When he saw him, Angel quickly dropped his head and ignored eye contact. The boss saw the kitty litter coupon and flew into a rage.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? WE'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, WE DON'T WANT YOUR CRAP! AND YET YOU-" They moved to the side, and the next customer stepped up, a guy with "tousled" brown hair and auspicious highlights stepped up. His too-pale skin sparkled radiantly and there was a smirk on his shining pink lips.

"Hello, I would like to order a large pizza topped with walnuts, coconut, and little chocolate chip cookie dough bites," he paused and flashed a radiant smile, "But could you hold the garlic? My vampiric system doesn't tolerate it."

"-AND YOU COME HERE EVERY DAY WITH YOUR SILLY COUPONS AND IT NEEDS TO-"

Angel ran a tired hand through his hair and collected his remaining patience. "I'm sorry sir, we don't take custom orders."

The sparkly guy misunderstood him. "Out of cookie dough? BLASPHEMY."

"Uh…" he wisely decided not to argue. "Yes, but I hear Pizza Hut has some, you should try there and come back later."

"Well, why don't you just stuff your Pizza in your Hut, you friggin tes-"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? YOU GIVIN MY CASHEIR CRAP? HUH? HUH?" Boss took him and dragged him away to be given a piece of mind. That was the last he thought of it for a while, but it later would come back to haunt him. The next customer in line walked up. Not Mr. Rodgers again…

"Sonny, You interrupted my favorite soap with that commercial of yours, you should-"

"Mr. Rodgers, I have no control over the-"

"Don't lie to me, sonny!"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"

And life continued as usual.

But the next day…

Angel was slumped over his cash register, drooling. Boss had called in sick, so today had been blissfully quiet. It was a little harder to get rid of the older customers, but the right comment usually sent them off. He was startled from his stupor when the little bells some idiot put on the door jingled. Angel recognized him immediately: cookie dough was back for his custom order. Joy.

The strange sparkly vampire walked up to the counter and leaned over it. "You got your cookie dough yet?" he asked brightly.

"No, we don't stock it anymore-" Angel began to explain. But he was cut off by cookie dough.

"I don't care if your stockings are on the floor, you'd better get some fast, you-"

"No, I said we don't carry cookie dough, you'd best-"

"What did you say? I missed the last-"

"I SAID GET A HEARING AIDE!" Angel bellowed. Edward frowned and cocked his head to the side. "Uh…" Angel waved his hands to the door in the universal gesture for get out. Upon getting no response, he dragged the highlighted boy to the door and dumped him on the curb. Cookie dough sat there with his nose pressed up against the glass for a while, until an ice cream truck went by.

The next day at the same time…

Angel looked around furtively but there was nobody in the sticky little store to see him. Slowly, carefully, Angel slid a twenty from the register and into his pocket. It was just so clean and crisp… and this job was driving him to kleptomania. Then he gazed around at the sad little place some more. Boss was back today, and determined to pump up the noise to make up for his absence. Angel was losing his mind…

Ding, ding. The retarded bell rang again, this time Angel had to suppress a strong urge to curl to a fetal position and hide. But he smiled and looked up and _no_! It was cookie dough again. This time, he was wearing a beige v neck shirt and mascara. He peeled his feet off the orange tiles and cane forward.

"I'M BACK! And I brought you some cookie dough," he stated proudly. The creeper reached into a grocery sack and pulled out a tub of cookie dough. Angel wanted to stab someone. Hey, that was an option. H e had hidden the pizza cutter to cut himself with, but… there were other uses too. The creeper smirked at Angel and slammed the tub down. "NOW YOU CAN MAKE ME MY PIZZA!"

The former Angelus laughed to himself. "Okay… BWAAAAAA!" He knocked the dough aside and jumped over the counter, tackling the Sparklepouf. They hit the ugly tiles Angel hated so with a thud and he whipped out the pizza cutter. "Prepare to meet your DOOM!"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" Oh goody, the Boss came to watch.

Angel laid the cutter against Poufy's pale neck and began to slice. After a couple seconds a little bit of blood welled up. He screamed at first, but after a while he just stared blankly at his captor. The cutter was very blunt.

"Uh, could you hurry up?" the victim asked tentatively.

"This is depressing. YOU'RE FIRED!" Boss cried, and Edward squirmed free and skipped out the tinkling door. Angel held up the tool with a smile.

"You can't fire me. I quit. And you're next. Too bad the creeper got away, but someone must die…" he held up the cutter and crept forward…

A couple of blocks away, Edward was crossing the street alone. He didn't look both ways.

_Dee dee dee deedeedeedee, dee de_-SQUISH.

He was hit by an ice cream truck. THE END.

**A/N: See you Sat! CHAPPIE 30 WOOH SPECIAl and ya.**

**Review, or I'll interrupt your shows with commercials.**


	30. Wally World

**(note posted 11:59: A/N: Yo. This is just to say that there is no way I'll be able to make thedeadline, but I'm still working on it. I'll be up all night if neccasary.)**

**A/N:… Well, hi. Sorry, but I finally didn't make it. By a long shot. Something came up, and I didn't know it was today, and it would take four hours… *sigh* sorry. I might have been able to make it if I really rushed, but who really cares if it's two hours late? And "technically" I did post before 12. It just wasn't the story… haha **

**Anon: Jeez, Anon, I didn't know there were so many ways to get hit by a car ****I'm working on the description, but for this chappie, I was a little too… tired. It is 2 am, leave me alone! *cries* :p agree with the violence, and the therapy theory Hahaha**

**Btvsfangurl: Well, glad you found it! And Anya came a little bit… to chainsaw me ****I will definitely be including more characters in later chappies.**

**Wally World**

The delicate pink and lavender hues of the wallpaper reflected off the mirror and onto the plain white shirt of Edward Cullen. The small sink set into the light gray granite countertop was white with a silver faucet, soap scum seeping out of the gaps between it and the handles. Directly behind him was a shower, with a dirtied lavender curtain. It was a small bathroom, with no room for more than a sink and the tub, so there was no toilet. But that was okay—Edward Cullen preferred to go outside in the front yard, to keep it real. The counter space was covered with junk—several large toothpaste tubes, all without lids, oozing their contents, and all a different brand; a neon green hairbrush, coated with soap scum; various hair and face care products, a box of… protective items, and a battered Glamour magazine.

Edward Cullen put down the (now emptied) bottle of heavy duty hairspray on top of the magazine and smiled winningly at the mirror. He studied himself, as he often did, but he still looked exactly the same as every other day. Streaked brown hair, eyes that were pools of red rimmed gold in his slightly gray face… he was gorgeous, but that was boring. He wanted to do something exciting, new. So he decided to brush his teeth today. That was exciting.

But he could not find his toothbrush, no matter how hard he searched. Little did he know, it was actually stuffed down the drain, but… who checks the drain for their toothbrush? He sighed and looked once again to the mirror. Then he ripped a page from the Glamour magazine.

"I shall rein supreme always," he told himself prophetically as he coated the page with some toothpaste (bubblegum flavored this time) and scrubbed himself with it. There. Perfect.

Something was missing. He checked his face again and was sure of it. He looked like any dude you could find on the street. He had to live up to his original title of perfect, abusive, Gary Stue love interest. What was… How could he forget about his sparkles? Without looking from the mirror, his slender, groping hand found the container of foundation. He picked it up and began to brush it on. So pretty… but after a while he realized nothing was happening. He looked at the brush. No. Impossible. He was… OUT OF SPARKLES?

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!"

The inadequately be-sparkled vampire pulled his keys out of his pocket, rushed into the hall, and thundered down the wooden stairs.

"Hey, baby…" Bella muttered distractedly as she tried to figure out what the strange envelope from their water company was about. Paying bills was optional, right? She twirled a strand of plain brown hair around her finger.

She must not see me like this, he thought. He whirled the corner and rushed out the white door. His girlfriend didn't notice his absence. He got into his car and drove recklessly to the nearest store, making racecar noises all the way.

Eventually he came to Wal-Mart, pulled in, and tried to find a parking place. But the lot was packed with evil people who dared to take his spot. He shook his fist at a couple of them, but they had better things to do. It took him forever before he saw the perfectly placed spot front and center. It was… It was beautiful. Why hadn't anybody taken it before him? He made more noises as he gracefully crashed into the spot and got out.

Edward had never been to Wal-Mart before. He normally got all his stuff on E-bay, so he had no idea what to expect when he walked under the pretty concrete pillars and towards the queer glass doors. They frightened him, why where they so… modern looking? He gathered his courage up with difficulty and slowly walked towards them. As he got closer…

They slid open magically.

"THEY WANT TO EAT ME!" He wailed, and threw his keys at them. They bounced of with a jingle, and he felt he had made some victory. A twenty year old girl walked past him and neared the door. She was pretty, with straight brown hair. She was wearing a McDonald's uniform, and smelled like burgers. Edward loved burgers. Her name tag read "Sandy". What a strangely familiar name…

The doors slid open magically again. She went as if to _go through them_!

"No! THEY WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!" he cried, and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. He clutched her arm until the doors slid shut and Sandy's soul was safe. She looked at him quizzically.

"They're just doors. Now let go of me, you already got the chance to bother me, give someone else a turn," she said calmly, and walked through the evil, soul eating doors. He would miss her…

With resignation, he went into the doors too. He… well, he was actually kinda curious to see what having your soul eaten. But his soul did not get eaten. He was… transported to the Other Realm!

The Other Realm had high ceilings. It had aisles of goods to take, and in front of him was the place where people who choose to pay for the goods gave up their money. Fools. He looked to the far right end of the Other Realm and…

"BALLOONS!" he shrieked, and trampled several young children to reach his destination. He ended up in front of the linoleum counter in two seconds flat. Behind the counter, there were many balloons… pretty balloons… and there was a bored looking man with black stubble covering his face and neck. His head, to the contrast, was shaved and completely bald. The man had sweat marks under his arms on his moss green t-shirt. He was lazily leaning on the counter, head resting in the heel of his hand.

"May I help you?" he (boredly) asked.

Edward looked at him. He decided he didn't look like he wanted to eat his soul and said, "Can I have a balloon?"

The man shrugged and shifted around a little. "Sure. It's your money."

But the bedazzled vampire didn't hear the last part, unfortunately. So he excitedly lunged across the counter for the nearest one. But the bored, sweaty man seized his arm with surprising speed for someone who first appeared so passive.

"Sorry. You have to pay first." His voice was falsely apologetic, a hint of a threat glimmering beneath it.

"Hey… You're a ninja!"

The ninja frowned. "Uh…"

Edward's left hand lashed out and grabbed the balloon before the ninja could react. "Too fast for you!" he said, "Catch me now, ninja!" He took off sprinting, the silver and pink balloon that read "it's a GIRL!" bobbing behind him. The ninja almost took after him, but he squeezed his fists shut and shook his head firmly. If he attacked yet another customer, he would surely be fired. After pacing around the small workspace to collect himself, he resignedly took out a new "it's a GIRL!" balloon to blow up. He had better things to do then chase after strange, sparkly men.

Edward skidded panting around a corner. Where was he? He proceeded with caution, just in case there was something that wanted to eat his soul. But only school supplies lay in front of him. Many yellow little boxes of Crayola products, and a couple of off brands, hung from the holey metal racks. But then something caught his eye. Sharpies? Hey! He had heard you could get high from those… he yanked a box down and ripped it open like a first grader at Christmas.

When he was holding the marker in his elegant, long fingered hand, it struck him that he had no idea how to get yourself high from these things… after much contemplation, he popped the cap and stuck it in his mouth. That should do the trick… he wandered off, the balloon still in hand.

After a couple more aisles, he came upon an amazing sight. Before him was a giant system of shelves going up to the ceiling. On them were… bikes, he thought? He recognized them from those Dick and Jane books he loved so much. Hey… he wanted a bike! So he walked up to the shelf and pulled a non-threatening looking one from the bottom. To his horror, the shelf proceed to fold into itself with very loud crashing noises. He shuddered to himself. Good thing he hadn't picked the next one over. The shelves would have fallen on him and eaten his soul.

With minor difficulty he managed to get onto the seat. Now only to find out how to use it.

"BWAAAA!" he rode backwards into a table of helmets. The people on TV made it look so much easier. After a couple of minutes, he realized that it actually did matter which direction you pedal in and rode off happily into a couple more small children.

Now he rode around peacefully mastering the tricks of the bicycle. Then he smelled something amazing. It must have been magical. It smelled of freshly baked brownies and cookies and cupcakes. Yes, Edward Cullen had found the bakery.

The strange, sparkly vampire wannabe saw a bucket of cookies on top of the glass display case. Well, cookie, for only one was left. The sign read "Free Samples!" and a blonde dude was reaching for the last one.

"NOOOOOOOO!" He would have that cookie! The blonde guy looked up at him as he sprinted to him and shoved him to the ground.

"Hey!" said Oz.

"MY COOKIE!" Edward popped it into his mouth. It tasted of… heaven.

"YOU TOOK MY COOKIE!" Oz scrambled up and rushed at the abusive Sparklepouf. The bored chef stared blankly at them. He had better things to do than break up the annual cookie wars.

"WAAH!" Edward flung his wallet at his pursuer and got back on his bike. He rode away as fast as he could. Oz rushed over to an abandoned shopping cart and jumped in. "WEEE!" they rode down the aisles together. They passed the cereal section, the taco section, and of course the celery section. But when they come to the toy section, Oz felt a jerk on the front right end of his cart. He screamed and toppled forward, landing painfully on his face. When he shoved the cart off his self, the weirdo had gotten away. Oz swore and looked around for ideas.

Edward finally slowed down at the pet section. He felt safe and at home here. There was no soul eating cookie lover chasing him. His eyes rested on a can of cat food. Snack time! He reached for it, popped the lid, and chowed down. He was so noisy in his eating that he did not hear Oz sneak up on him with a nerf gun.

-INSERT NERF GUN NIOSES HERE-

"OWIE!" Edward flung his birth certificate at Oz. "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A SOUL EATING NINJA LIKE THE BALLOON GUY!"

-INSERT MORE GUN NOISES HERE-

Edward whacked Oz repeatedly with his "it's a GIRL!" balloon. Then he flung that at him, hopped on his bike, and rode away. Oz quickly followed with his ninja soul eating powers.

The chef was nodding off at his cash register when he heard them coming. A couple seconds later, he saw them. With a sigh, he dropped his head down. Couldn't they see he had better things to do than mess with them?

Edward looked behind him. The ninja was somehow getting closer! He turned back and started to pedal faster, but he rammed into a case of doughnuts. "EAT MY PASTRIES!" he shouted, flinging a doughnut at Oz. but he kept coming closer… so he threw his social security number. And his paycheck. And his first diploma. But nothing happened.

Oz smirked down at his captive. What a fool… he picked up a nearby cheese grater and pinned Edward down by the shoulders. The pouf whimpered, but Oz began grating away at Edward's pale, slender neck. That's when the screaming started. Oz grinned manically and grated faster. Soon he began to notice that the screaming was a little garbled from the little pieces of shredded vampire lodged in his throat. But still, this would take forever. So he grabbed an onion chopper, and that went much faster. He was kneeling in a pool of blood now, and Edward was screaming in absolute agony—he should have thought of that before taking the last cookie. All too soon though, the screaming stopped and Edward Cullen… dissolved into a pile of sparkles? Ok then… he got up and walked away. On a second thought, he grabbed Edward's paycheck he had thrown earlier.

When he walked out, he saw a car being towed away for parking in a handicap spot. Retard.

**A/N: that was really long… Imma go minkle-proof my house in case Vera sics them on me… c ya!**

**Review or ninjas eat your soul.**


	31. Firepower

**A/N: Okay, was going to use harmony chappie, but it was taking too long so I'm using a different idea that I've had for a while. It's a little more serious in tone than the last one.**

**TODAY WE ARE CELEBRATING THE APPEARANCE OF A SCROLLY BAR ON MT CHAPPIE LIST. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. DO NOT DEVALUE THIS MOMENTUS OCCASION!**

**Anon: I'm working on gorier deaths ****J therapy, as you mentioned before. Poor Sandy… she'll probably be back here and there. Along with a couple of other OCs. Thx for ideas!**

**Firepower **

Buffy had always enjoyed the smell of fresh air at night. Tonight though, there was a faint hint of smoke in the air. Where had it come from, she wondered, inhaling deeply. With a sigh she scanned the graveyard yet again for any undead. But all remained buried and in their place right now—unlike her. She should be sleeping right now, instead of sitting on the edge of a gravestone.

The leaves of the trees roared in the wind as it picked up. But even through the rustling there was another sound, one of footsteps that Buffy ignored. She choose instead to smooth her blonde hair.

"Hey? You, you want some celery?" a strange figure called to her from far off at the entrance to the graveyard. Buffy jumped in surprise (so much for the alert slayer). The figure didn't wait for an answer and leaped enthusiastically across the damp turf to greet her. Squinting in the dark, she was able to make out a blurred portrait of him. At least, she thought it was a him. He had chiseled features, and hair that could only pass for reasonable in a magazine. His lips were full, and he could be described as nice looking, but for his eyes. Their glazed appearance revealed that their owner was not all there.

"Celery? It's good celery, y'know." He held out a large box with two arms.

"No, I don't really think so. It looks a little wilted…" she carefully stated.

"Only five cents a stalk. Get it while its cheap!" He smiled winningly. His teeth didn't exactly shine in the moonlight.

"No thanks, I think I'll just-" she was interrupted when the guy grabbed her arm. She was surprised by the suddenness of the movement. When she looked at his face, the placid innocence of before was completely gone, replaced with an intensity that made her a little bit nervous.

"I insist. If you refuse to comply. I will be forced to follow you home and watch you sleep."

Buffy ripped the box of celery from his grip and hit him with it. Hard, and at the temple. You'd be surprised at how much celery ways. With a squawk, the creeper dropped down and went to bed. She dropped the box on his torso and stood there for a moment.

"Meh, screw this. I've had enough for one night." And so she walked off.

A few days later, Buffy was at the Bronze with her friends. More relevant to the story is that her mother was home alone. She was wrapped in a blanket watching a very old movie that she pretended to be very interested in, but the subtle droop of he eyelids betrayed her growing disinterest.

DINGDINGDING DONG DINGDING DONGDING

The doorbell rang several times in very quick succession. Mrs. Summers feared for her door bell's fragile health and rushed to the landing to stop its torment.

The door opened, and standing before Mrs. Summers was a very dirty young man carrying an equally dirty box of celery. He grinned slackly and said, "Hi, is Buffy here? COZ I'M HER BIGGEST FAN." The last sentence was spoken with increased volume, but the visitor's tone remained flat.

"No, sorry, come back some other time." She hurriedly clammed the door. The guy seemed a little… no, she was far too old fashioned.

That very next night, Buffy was walking home form the graveyard (early again—but did Giles honestly believe her to be able to sty there all ngiht?) when she heard a car approaching her—fast. She could tell the driver was going way too fast. A couple seconds later she saw the source of the noise ahead of her. The car turned onto her street and raced down to where she was, and screeching to a halt a few feet away. The idiot driver hit a stop sign, which was now all bent around the middle.

Buffy exhaled. She hadn't really realized she had been holding it. She also didn't realize she should be walking away as fast as possible now until the door opened and the celery seller popped. Out. He didn't look as if he had showered since almost a week ago to Buffy. She shook herself and quickly began to walk away. But celery guy shouted at her to wait, so she reluctantly turned to speak with him.

"I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN. CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPGH?" he bellowed. "I KNOW YOU ARE THE SLAYER, BUT I BET YOU COULDN'T SLAY ME."

A couple houses up, the door to her house slammed shut and Buffy's mom marched over. The slayer shook her head vigorously. She didn't want her mom to get involved. But she kept flouncing closer, with what appeared to be a backpack on.

"WOO! CAN'T CATCH ME, SLAYER." The weirdo turned around and ran away. Buffy watched him go. Her mom had a much different reaction.

"NO! HE'S GETTING AWAY!" she broke into a run. Well, a very halting run. The backpack seemed very heavy. Buffy was tired. So she zoned out.

Next thing she knew, there was a WOOOMPH! Of gas igniting and the street was lit up with a pretty orange hue. Buffy frowned and looked over at her mom.

"She never told me she had a flamethrower…" she muttered. Her mother had a flamethrower and was torching a shrieking, frying creeper. There was a very strong smell, rather like… bacon. Hmm…

"FIREPOWER!" Mrs. Summers shrieked, jumping around and hooting crazily. Buffy went to bed while her mother danced over the grease spot that was Edward Cullen.

**A/N: I like grease spots. Oh look, its 12. I should probably hurry up. BYE!**

**(EDIT: I had minor technical dificulties with this chapter, for some reason fanficnet saved it as chappie 27 doc, so y'all be glad I checked the line preview to look at the pretty scrolly bar. It saved lives. If it weren't for scrolly bars, you'd be stuck rereading chappie 27. So, just saying: if this happens and I don't check the line preview, PLEASE load my inbox with pms until I respond.)**


	32. Dumped

**A/N: Hey, Harmony chappie today. I had to rush a little, last exam tomorrow, wanna get rest. Also: I am planning a Maximum Ride fic to write. As if I don't already have enough on my plate right now, but luckily summer is almost around the corner. (and with it: summer school. *sigh*)**

**To Anon: I was feeling pyro ^w^**

**To ****justinbieber01: Well, hi! I'm glad you liked it. This one was actually kinda like 17. Well, kinda a lot. Hmm… And wow, you seem to like Justin Bieber ****. I'm actually not a big fan, but if you like him, more power to ya. **

Harmony paced frantically around the room, taking deep breathes. The pink skirt she wore ruffled a little as she stepped over all the crap on the floor. There were t-shirts, bras, socks, more skirts, etc. covering the carpet, which made it kinda hard to walk on in stilettos. Yet she still floundered around for dramatic affect.

"Okay Harmony, it's just a blind date, you can do it, you're prettier than _those girls_, and you're more than them," she murmured to herself, "And you're more than that." She stopped in her pacing and looked in the full length mirror at her face, or at least what you could see under the makeup. "You are a strong, independent woman who can totally handle going out with a complete stranger-"

_Ding, dong._

"GAH!" Harmony took a step forward, but her foot got caught in a bra she had left lying in front of the door and she toppled to the floor. "WAAAH!" she hurried to her feet and tripped down the stairs to the landing. Her house shook as she stomped to the door (she was a very noisy walker) and wrenched it open.

"Yes?" she asked breathlessly, and looked the guy at the door up and down. OMG he was GORGEOUS! Pale skin, full lips, golden eyes full or misery…. Yes! Finally what she deserved! He even sparkled for god's sake!

"Uh… hi?" he asked, as if it was a question… then he shrugged his shoulders and wrinkled his lip in this totally cute, awkward way.

"Heeheehee!" she giggled. Then she snorted and gasped. How unladylike!

Her date frowned at her and put a hand on her shoulder to guide her to his car. The car in question was a.. FERARI! He had the MOOLAH, too! Harmony squealed inside her head. But not out loud, because she was a strong, independent woman.

Her stilettos squeaked in protest with every step. She frowned- she really needed to, like, get classes on these or something. Then they were standing on the sidewalk in front of the car… the beautiful, magnificent, cherry red car she could never ever afford… and then her date roughly turned her to the right and started dragging her down the sidewalk.

"HEY! Aren't we getting in the car?" she cried, and almost broke her ankle on a little gray pebble.

He frowned at her in confusion. "What car?"

"The Ferrari!"

"Oh, that's not mine. We're going for a little walk." And so he continued to drag her along.

Harmony huffed and pulled her arm free. She could walk in her own stilettos. Jeez, this was so undignified, walking on the sidewalk during a freakin date. The obese mailman stared at her as she walked past. Freak. The little kids playing soccer in their yards stared at her and pointed at her boobs. Freaks. The push up bra didn't have that much lift. In an attempt to distract herself from the horror, she turned to her supposed date. Was that… drool running down his pale chin? No, her friend would never set her up with a drooler.

"Soo, what's your name?" How did she not know his name yet?

"Ed. Edward but you can call me special Ed if you wanna. Everyone does," he said blandly.

She smiled bravely, but almost tripped again. "I'm Harmony."

"Mm."

-Awkward silence-

Harmony tripped on another crack in the sidewalk. Stupid six inch heels. Edward suddenly turned and stared at her.

"You clumsy?"

"No, I'm a perfectly coordinated, strong, independent young woman!" she squawked.

Ed froze in his steps. "I beg your pardon?"

Harmony crossed her arms and glared at him. She was starting to think she wouldn't like this date very much.

"We'll have to fix this," he muttered, and kept walking. Fabulous, a sexist. Harmony tripped to keep up, and the old lady across the street stared at her. Freak. Come on, her skirt wasn't that short…

"WE'RE HERE!" Ed shouted, waving his arms around. Here? All she saw was a dumpster.

"Welcome to here, AKA middle of freakin nowhere. Population: TWO!" she said drily.

Edward crossed his hairy arms over his flabby chest and pouted. "It's not nowhere, there's a dumpster." He pointed at it, as if she couldn't already see.

"Yes, I _see_ the dumb dumpster. Haha, very funny, now where are you taking me for the date."

He looked confused and hurt, but not in a cute way anymore. "This is the date. Don't you like it? You're friend said you wouldn't care that I was abusive, sexist, retarted, dyslexic verging on illiterate, psychotic, schizophrenic, kleptomaniac, pyromaniac, and I have AIDs. Even though I'm a 108 year old virgin, though I'm not sure how that works out."

_Cordelia. Harmony should have known._

"Oo! I left something out. The reason I'm a virgin is I'm an eunuch." He grinned happily and bobbed his head up and down. "Wanna make out?"

Harmony was in shock. How could her friend do this to her?

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO MAKE OUT!" she screamed. A couple Goth girls sitting in their room in the house next to her stared at her. Freaks, she only broke one window, her voice wasn't that high.

Then she looked back at her date, who looked… relieved? WHAT?

"Good. You were way too independent and weird for me.

"What?"

"And you wear slutty push up bras, seduce obese mailmen, and scream way too loud." He nodded as if in agreement with himself. "Soo… I'm dumping you."

DUMPED? HARMONY WAS NOT _DUMPED!_

"WAAAA!" Harmony rushed at Edward and grabbed his face and shoulder. Then she did this weird twisty thing, and there was a popping sound not unlike the one Harmony made popping her gum in the middle of important tests. Edward lay in a crumpled heap at her feet, his neck snapped. But it wasn't over. She was a strong, independent woman who didn't just leave her victims with broken necks!

After much thought, she took off her stiletto and pulled it up it preparation to stab. Edwards eyes bugged out with terror. He didn't scream, but he wet his pants. Than Hamony thrust her shoe down and felt it penetrate skin. She pulled it back out, and there was a weird whistling sound coming from his chest. He coughed and moaned, and a little bit of blood dribbled down his chin. Was it… sparkling?

She pulled back and stabbed him again, but this time the moment contact was made, he exploded into a pile of glitter.

"GLITTER? What a _ripoff!_" and she threw her shoe through the Goth girls' window in anger.

A plain girl with pale skin was staring at her and crying from a couple feet away. Freak. He wasn't that cute.

**A/N: Wish me luck with this exam, I'll need it.**

**Review or your most prized possessions will poof to glitter.**


	33. Serial Killer

**A/N: I decided to do an impromptu special. Because it is chappie 33, 1/3 way through, and it is also the first day of summer for me. So, this one is about Edward. Being a serial killer. Talking to his little friend in the back of his head and stuff. So, yeah… Beware the contraband A/Ns.**

**Anon: I would say that Harmony is about the wimpiest female in Buffy. And Bella is supposedly the strongest. I call BS. And Kristen Stewart isn't the most fabulous actress, in my opinion. She always looks surprised. And she just splutters her lines. I don't get it. Pyros are always useful plot devices. They rank up there with useful, chain saw owning neighbors that leave garage doors unlocked. Anya… must add to top priority (mwahaha eunuch backstory…) babysat by pedo wolf? They could, like, all murder eachother's children. Heehee, chasing cars and… bubblegum? Hmm… will give some thought.  
**

**Did I just make a page break? Nope. Damn...  
**

**-italicized comments are made by the voice in Ed's head.-  
**

**Serial Killer**

The night was dark. Because it was very late. **(Contraband A/N: I'm feeling poetic today :) kk, starting over)**

The humid night was dark, but not dark enough to stop the magical headlights of Edward Cullen. **(Contraband A/N: I tried, but I think that was counterproductive. Well, you know what they (I) say: when in doubt- screw it)**. I am so awesome, even my dashboard lights could defeat the dark. That's the only thing you can see in the darkened car, beside my sparkles, of course. They were so badass, they pwned the light!

"Um… where are you taking me?" A whiney voice from beside me whined clumsily. I thought it might have been Bella, because she was the one who had gotten into his car. Wasn't it? What if it was a teenage mutant ninja turtle?

"Why are you ignoring me and being mean and angsty and broodinglike that? What did I do?" The voice whined. **(Contraband A/N: No, not ****The Voice****, Vera.)**

That's right, I can't think to myself. Distracting. Right? _No_. Well shut up. _Nobody likes you_. Nobody likes you, either, we share a body. _You can keep it, it smells funny_.

"Waah!"

Go smell funny yourself, schmuck. I… or should we say we… turned a corner on the dank country road. What if it really was a teenage mutant ninja turtle? It might hurt my feelings. _Feelings aren't yours, I feel, stupid unresponsive lump_. Go suck a muffin.

"BWAAAAA!"

I ran over a chipmunk. Sorry Theodore. _It's Alvin, loser_. Chipmunks mean we're there! _You read the sign, crackhead._

"We're here!" I said cheerily, throwing the door open. I went around to open Bella's door because she was a female who couldn't do anything for herself and was destined for a life of popping out babies and cooking.

"You're so dreamy!" she said, forgetting the argument from before. Then again, what argument? I was arguing with you while she shouted at me. _No, I was doing the arguing, n00b, shut up._

We trudged down the icy grass at the side of the road to get to the place we were going. Which I hadn't told her about yet, but she didn't mind, coz she was probably thinking of all the babies she would soon pop out. I stepped over a slippery tree root, but I forgot to help Bella over it. "WAAH!" she tripped. I'm so badass. _Your going to hell, and I'll be sitting here laughing and pointing._

I was taking her to a piece of private property owned by nobody of my concern. I had been planning this moment out for days. She didn't know what was coming, or about what was in my left pocket. Or my right. _Or your fly. She doesn't know about your dick, either._ Go away.

Hey, when are we getting to the lake?

"WAAH!" there was a long, drawn out scream from beside me, followed by a splash. I wonder who that was? Maybe it was Bella. _Nah, probably just a rhinoceros_. I took another step, and my foot sank into something wet. And really cold. Did I just pee on myself or something? I'm dead, so my pee is cold. Thought you would like to know. _Thanks, schizo_. You're welcome, friend.

There was a rippling sound from beside me. A swamp monster? _I want an autograph_.

"I fell in a lake and you didn't save me? How could you let your girlfriend get wet?"

I let my girlfriend get wet. I am so badass.

Ten minutes later, we are sitting on a rock. My jacket is wrapped around her shoulders, to protect her baby popping abilities. We are both wet, but I have it worse because I have to support the weight of my angst, and that voice in the back of my head. _I'm not in the back of your head, I'm in the front._ This kinda upsets my plans, but I put my hand into my pocket and pulled out a small box. It was a very soft and velvety box. I would keep it for the next one. With grace and pwnage, I slid off the rock to kneel in front of Bella. Something squished under my left knee. _I think it was a sandwich._

"Bella, will you marry me and pop out my babies?" she gasped. I felt her warm hands cover mine. "Of course I will, Eddiekins!" Wait, why did something smell like dog crap? _It's you of course, now bloody pay attention, you bag of turnips._

"Good…" I slurred, and my hand found my left pocket. My other hand found her face, and beneath it, her neck. It was a good knife, small enough to conceal in my pocket, but sharp enough to dig deep. The handle was worn from the many years' use. It had served me well. _Shut up and get along with it._

I drew my arm back and sliced through the tendons in her neck. Did you know that ripping flesh actually makes a noise? It's hard to describe. Kinda a squelch, I guess. And right after the squelch, there's the reaction. Some pray. Some fight. Some scream. Bella was a screamer. This is how power feels. Yes! _Yes._

"I love you, my sweet," I whispered into her ear.

And to my surprise, there came a chocked reply: "I love you too."

She died in my arms as I lapped up her sweet blood. She would always be with me. Like the others. _And me. you always forget I will never leave you._ Ah, be quiet.

**(C/A/N: The scenes where Buffy is present will be from her POV to protect my brain cells)  
**

I was sitting alone at my table that day. Not because I was a loser, but because I was waiting for my loser friends. There's a difference. I sighed and looked at my food. Food? This wasn't food. This was blasphemy to the pizza god. If they hadn't made a pizza god yet, they should. **(C/A/N: Again with the "screw it" mantra)**

"Hey."

I looked up. A strange looking guy was standing in front of my table, running his hand through his orange colored hair. His other hand was caressing the fabric above his left pocket.

"You know, that much hair gel is a fire hazard." I left to find a new table.

Edward smiled as he watched her go. She was special. She couldn't hear him, just like the others. The perfect addition to his collection. The perfect last one, lucky number seven.

That night, I was lying in her bed when I suddenly woke up from the weird dream about GI Joes I kept having. Eew. I sat up to look at the clock and… there was the f*cking pervert from lunch in my room.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled. My mom stopped snoring in the next room.

"I'm watching you sleep. I like it. It's fun and-"

"GTFO OR I WILL SMASH YOUR BALLS!" **(C/A/N: because of Smeyer, now only about 20% of girls would have this reaction to being watched while sleeping. Let us have a moment of silence to mourn our friend, common sense)**

"Okay, okay." He seemed surprised by my reaction and left.

The next day at lunch, I walked in from the hallway and… _he _was sitting at my table.

I stopped and stared at him. "What do you want?"

He smiled a smirky… smirk, as if he knew something I didn't. His hand was tracing fast circles over that stupid pocket again. Then, to my surprise (and horror) he got down on one knee (he knelt on a banana peel) and pulled out a battered red box.

"Will you marry me and pop out my babies and cook and do my dishes and pour my glasses of beer?

I dropped my plastic tray of blasphemy in surprise and burst out laughing.

"BWAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA!"

The stalker's bland features showed he did not find this very amusing, which made me laugh harder.

"AHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

People were starting to stare. His hand was circling faster than ever. But I wasn't really paying attention, too busy crying my eyes out on the floor. That was probably why I didn't see him move until he was standing over me with a knife in his hand.

"I love you," he spat, knife to my throat.

"I'VE NOTICED!" I shrieked, and kept laughing some more.

He screamed and drew his arm back to stab. I slapped the weapon out of his hand and punched him in the eye.

"MY EYE!"

Then I kicked him in the nuts.

"MY BALLS!"

He ran away screaming and I sat there giggling. Serial killer my ass. Everybody else sat there and stared blankly at me.

As I ran away, my body felt numb. I had failed. _I always knew you couldn't do it._

I had done it in front of everyone so they would see my final triumph. _Final? You would have to do a lot more. Only three of them you actually killed. You hired contract killers for the others, remember._

Get out of my head.

_I can't, you created me, sucker._

The run home seemed to take forever. But when I was there, I knew what to do. _Yeah, I told you_. I ran to my room and pulled the gun from my dresser. It was antique, Carlisle had given it to me before I had left forks because it was getting too risky. The gun was already loaded with iron bullets, the only thing that would kill fairies like me. All I had to was pull the trigger.

This is for you, Buffy. _Why can't you do something for me for a change_?

Shut up.

I pointed the gun at my chest and fired. OW! Ow o wow ow! OWIE MOMMY! It hurt! _You know, it's a pity your killing yourself, you could be a very good detective._

Why, thank you. _Shut up and die already._

The blood was warm and sticky, funning down my chest.

"I'm coming, Bella." _Nope._

And then I died. Dying isn't really a painful thing, it's more like forgetting your alive. And then suddenly remembering that you're going to hell.

**N/C/A/N: - ****good luck figuring out what that means.**

_**Review, or you'll be burning up with Edward in H-E-double-hockey-sticks.**_


	34. Cele vs SMeyer

**A/N: Hi! This chapter really exercises the story's crackfic classification. I wrote this in almost pure crackfic mode. So, that's why it's really strange. Just saying.**

**To Anon: Yeah, pouf sucks so bad, not even his imaginary friend likes him. Excellent point with the constipation and the not all there, which I call the "I see dead people". Buffy vs. Edward = my favorite youtube vid. Edward: I like watching you sleep. It's- Buffy: GET OUT. Edward: *Is confused* Buffy: Get out or I throw you out headfirst! Edward: *Is thrown out window*.**

**Well, happy crackfic reading!**

**-CeleryRox**

**Cele vs. SMeyer**

CeleryRox POV (Yeah, you heard me)

Aw man, she wasn't there.

I had gotten a plane ticket and flown to Pheonix, Arizona, just for the sake of slapping Stephenie Meyer silly and maybe causing a bit of property damage, but NO. She freaking wasn't there. How dare she hide from The Great Cele? HOW DARE!

I glared at the door in hope that my acidic gaze would peel through the carefully applied yellow paint.

So I did what any sane person (once again: approximately 20%) would do: ring the crap out of the doorbell.

About thirty minutes later, the sounds of the doorbell echoing through the (probably haunted) mansion. It was about two o'clock, and I had succeeded in breaking SMeyer's doorbell. PWN. And the people on the street hadn't even looked at me. Apparently, this happened a lot. But now what? I was in front of this insanely large house belonging to my nemesis (in my head, anyway) and I had about four hours until my flight home. Well, what would you do?

I walked around the side of the house/mansion and went a little ways. Compared to the front, it was really drab. All the hedges had died, and the fancy schmancy stone had given away to regular siding, painted turquoise blue. Then I found what I was looking for: a small window at the bottom of the house, just large enough for me to squeeze my body through. A window to the basement. Mwahaha.

I kicked the window. Nothing happened. Hmm. I kicked it harder. Nothing. I picked up a large, rusty, fire truck red garden rake lying on the ground nearby and bashed it against the window repeatedly, screaming maniacally. There we go. A group of girls were watching me from across the road, giggling and nudging eachother. Freaks. I slid into the window with feigned ease and fell to the floor.

WTF?

I don't think floors are normally really squishy, slippery, and smell like peanut butter. I brought my hand to my lips and licked my fingers.

It was peanut butter.

From the little light coming from the (destroyed) window, I could see that the room was very large and empty. Standing up, I realized that the whole floor wasn't peanut butter. Just the big pile under the window. Yeah, okay then… A couple feet away the was a large trapdoor with EVIL TRAPDOOR OF APOCALYPTIC DOOM. DO NOT OPEN OR NINJAS WILL CONSUME YOUR SOUL.

YAY! I like ninjas.

I hastily crawled/scrambled/ran over to the happy ninja soul eating trapdoor and pulled it open with the rusty handle. An empty hole of apocalyptic ninja soul eating doom doom echoed mournfully beneath me. It was so dark down there, I could see my reflection.

WEE! I cannonballed in.

There was a solid ten seconds of falling, and then I hit the floor. No peanut butter this time, just cold, hard 'crete. Ow…

"BWAAAAAAAAAAH!" someone very close to me screamed.

"NINJAS!" I screamed.

Rustling of sheets, brief footsteps, lights came on.

Well, I had landed on concrete. Behind me was a ladder. Hmm. Why use a ladder when you could cannonball? I did not understand. To my right was a plain mattress on the floor, with a pillow and a plain white sheet. Its rumpled state brought me to the conclusion it had been recently occupied. The walls, like he floor, were concrete.

And standing directly in front of me was a ninja.

The ninja was wearing an ugly blue sweater a couple sizes to small with gray Soffes. And, um, green frog slippers. (C/A/N: I have those!). But it was his face that was truly horrifying. He had cucumbers for eyes, and peanut buttery skin. His hair was precisely styled to make me fantasize of setting it on fire.

The ninja ripped his cucumber eyes out and appeared to notice me for the first time.

"BWA! NINJA!" He threw his eyeballs at me. Or rather, the wall behind me. Hey, did this mean I was the ninja? I was, after all, wearing my favorite black velour jacket. No, my tank top was yellow. That was definitely against the Ninja Code of Depressing Colors. Crap.

"What are you doing? I need my BEAUTY SLEEP!" he bellowed.

I leaned back. Oops. Unstable ex-ninja. Beware. "I was looking for SMeyer so I could slap her silly. It's my hope and dream!"

"WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SLAP MEYER? SHE'S GENIUS! YOU WILL HAVE TO SLAP ME SILLY FIRST BEFORE YOU CAN GET TO HER! AND GOOD LUCK BEATING EDWARD CULLEN!" (C/A/N: /capsrape/)

"Okay!" I cried, standing up. Obviously this ex-ninja did not understand that he had just pretty much given me permission to slap him silly, but oh well.

"Hey!" I guess he wasn't expecting that… To my surprise, he slapped me back, right across the cheek. Hey! That almost hurt… So I snap-kicked him in the groin.

"OWIE!" he said, doubling over.

Hmm… Now how to kill him? A brilliant idea struck me and I pulled out my phone, scrolling through apps. Eventually, I found what I was looking for.

VAMPY SLAYING APP:

To use: place on vamp and hit enter. Vamp will be transferred into true essence.

Trusty phone in hand, I put it on top of his head and pressed enter. Edward Cullen was transformed into his essence: glitter glue. Who would have known?

With that over with, I flew up the ladder and into the living room of SMeyer's house to await her arrival. When she never came, I was forced to come home a very pissed anti.

**A/N: So disappointing. I wanted to at least flip her off.**

**THERE IS A RUMOR THAT THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BEE POSTED TOMMOROW. BUT YOU KNOW THAT RUORS ARE ALMOST NEVER CCREDIBLE.**

**Review or I destroy that peanut butter monument to Edwurd you keep in your basement.**


	35. Vampire Therapy

**A/N: Hi. The rumors were true.**

**As of last chapter, I now have more reviews than any twilight/Buffy crossover on the site. Thx guys! It should also probably be noted that the one that 'used' to have more reviews than me was a one-shot. So, I guess it's not that big an accomplishment **

**Anon: demented squirrels. Very nice. Would these be the same or different to rabid squirrels? Loved the violence **** will try harder to make gory deaths.**

**Vampire Therapy**

Kasey Wilsons lurked behind her big, shiny desk. She was in a stormy mood. How much of this could she take? When she had chosen to become a therapist, she hadn't expected this. Maybe people suffering from abuse. Not all this schizophrenic nonsense. She was spinning around in her chair when the door was thrown open and a guy stormed in.

"I'm on break," she said, still spinning.

The guy bounced over to the unoccupied chair and sat down, running a hand through his suspiciously perky, obviously dyed bright yellow hair. "I'm Edward Cullen, and I've came for therapy!"

Fabulous. Another client who had lost his marbles. Maybe this one didn't have an imaginary friend. "And why have you came for therapy?"

The newcomer smiled a very sparkly smile. "I'm here because my sister is convinced that my girlfriend doesn't exist."

Maybe is sister was the schizoid. Kasey really thought she deserved a break from all this crazy stuff. "And who is this girlfriend?"

Edward smiled again. "Why don't you ask her. She's right here."

Oh, come on.

"Soo… exactly why does our sister think that?"

"She has this crazy story about me killing her. But I could never eat Bella's spleen like she said. Right, Bella?" he turned to the space to his right and smiled loosely at the potted plant there."

Okay. She had enough of these crackheads during work, she wasn't putting up with it on her break.

"You know, I need to see a client here soon, soo…" she examined a strand of wavy blond hair.

Her misguided client nodded morosely. "Yes, we should start seeing other people. Bella doesn't like cheaters."

Kasey sighed. Time to break out the new taser.

"Cause y'know, we never really-" ZAP. There we go. Kasey shoved the tasered subject behind the giant potted plant and waited for her next client.

A couple minutes later, the door crashed open. Inwardly, Kasey groaned. Not HIM again. "Angelus, If you pull the same shit as last time, I will personally boot your ass out. And how many times have I told you to leave the bag at home?"

Angelus stared blankly at her. "Did you just say you shitted? Bad therapist." He flipped a strand of gelled brow hair out of his eyes and proceeded to drag his trash bag filled with… unidentified objects across the room to the desk.

"No, I said to leave the bag at home. When are you going to tell me what's in there?"

Angelus stared her down, and said, "When I'm ready. You can't rush psychological change."

Whatever. Kasey didn't care.

"So, what's on your mind lately?" she asked without much enthusiasm.

Angelus smirked and leaned back in his chair. "Brooding about how my girlfriend stabbed me. She didn't even stab me in the back," he said, as his gaze darkened. "We were hugging and all and then she just stabbed me. No preamble. To save the world and stuff. SHE TRIED TO KILL ME!"

Here we go again.

"The slayer theory again?"

Angelus glared at her. "If you put me on meds, I will rip out your throat."

Kasey shrugged. She wouldn't waste the meds on him. He was slightly more lucid than the others. Well, he didn't talk to his friend until he left. And there was the slayer theory, and the trash bag… Never mind.

"On that happy note, we move onto inkblots." She managed a fake smile and began sifting through her messy desk.

"Don't want your blotty ink," the client muttered sulkily. His therapist ignored him.

"What's this one?" she held up a card.

Angelus glanced at it for a couple seconds. "England beating America in the world cup."

"This one?"

Another backhanded glance. "Spike and Buffy making out. Hahaha, look where his hand is."

Kasey quickly put the card down and picked up another.

"That's a portrait of Alfred."

Oh, fun. "Is Alfred your imaginary friend?"

A nod, and a cheeky smile. "He doesn't like you much."

Brilliant.

There was a loud thud. The big plant had fallen over. The big pot was obviously plastic, because it had cracked and bent and stuff. Then, from behind the fallen pot emerged Edward Cullen. He had apparently woken up. Damn.

"I'M BACK!"

The two non sparklies stared at him unhappily.

"Who are you?" Angelus asked in annoyance.

"I'm a vampire LIKE YOU! But I sparkle, and am therefore more awesome."

"You're not a vampire. You must be something else entirely." Angelus's face lit up as an idea hit him. "I know—you're a garden gnome!"

Edward was visibly confused. "No… I'm a SMeyerpire, the next generation of really sh*tty vamps!" But Angelus was too busy pulling his machine gun out of his bag to notice/care.

This is Edward Cullen: O

This is Edward Cullen after being shot with a machine gun: #

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Angelus shouted as he sent a spray of silver bullets in Edward Cullen's general direction. He continued until there was blood all over the walls, and IT's internal organs were settled in neat piles on the carpet. He then left Kasey in the middle of the room (covered in blood) and went whooping down the street.

Kasey was sent to prison for life because everybody thought she did it. But Angelus didn't care, he was too busy killing small children to notice/care.

**A/N: What did you think? I thought it was rather poorly written. But I'm not staying up another three hours, so here you go.**

**Review or I will be forced to give you back your soul.**


	36. IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT AN chappie coming

**(POSTED EARLIER) An Important Announcement:**

**First off: THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW.**

**Now that that has been stated, the really important announcement: As off next chappie, the chappters will be posted every FOUR days. The reason behind this is that I feel that lately, my writing quality has much declined. This is because when I plan the next chapter, I wonder how good I can make it in the time that I have. The last chapter: I feel it was definately not up to par. This really made me think about how well my writing has been lately. And I decided that I shouldn't be posting if it is not my best work. Additionally, every night I post I'm up till 12. for Specials: sometimes 4 am. This is not healthy. This descision was very hard to make, but I am certain it is the right one.**

**Pros: Word length will improve. Writing quality will improve much because I will have time to edit. Storylines will be more creative now that I will have time to prewrite. And I will be posting earlier.**

**If you have any questions or comments, please PM instead of leaving a review because the next chapter will be added to this document and will replace the current version. Unless you are anonymous, of course.**

**-CeleryRox (Cele)**

A/N: Today, it is reverse A/N day. I was up last night when I wondered, why do I bold the A/Ns instead of my stories? MY STORIES ARE BEING ABUSED! So today, we honor the poor, misunderstood chappies. *sniff*. ANOTHER IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: This one is very unfortunate, but also probably necessary. There is absolutely no way I will be able to hang on for 64 more chappies of this carp. I'm very sorry, but… I don't have that long an attention span. Back to 50 chappies. SORRY ANON! Please forgive me.

Peeps, If you haven't read My Immortal, the exceedingly lulzy Harry Potter shitfic (I don't use that word lightly) Google it. It was removed from FanFicNet because… It sucked. So, it's not on here. BUT READ IT ANY WAY! Imma go read some more of it now.

Don't forget to celebrate reverse A/N day. Your cards are coming in the mail.

"**THE WORLD WILL END IN EXACTLY ONE WEEK!"**

**Several people on the street paused in their tasks to openly stare at the strange girl on the street corner, shrieking. She called out the statement again, and continued to strut around like a constipated penguin in her mini skirt and psychotically high heeled boots. The pedestrians shrugged and kept walking. If the world didn't end in 2000 or 2010, it wouldn't end in a week just because some goffik street corner prophet said it would.**

**On that same street, Drusilla stepped out of PetsMart with a new goldfish in one hand, and a small suitcase in the other. She had went on a very short "vacation" for no apparent reason a couple days ago, but was back in time for the apocalypse. Spike would probably be unhappy, but Drusilla pretty much did what she pleased. A cry rose up from the street corner, and it was the spiky haired "prophet" again. Drusilla looked up with interest and walked across the street to say hi.**

"**SEVEN DAYS! SEEEEVVEEEN DAAAAAAAAYS!"**

**With her head cocked to the side, Drusilla regarded this strange person. Interesting. But it appeared that she was misinformed. "Three days, not seven," she said quietly. Alice spun around and saw her.**

"**No, it's seven, the voices told me," she snapped, and went back to telling the crowd about her perceived date of the apocalypse.**

"**Little girl, who are you?" Dru interrupted.**

**The "little girl" spun around to face her. "I am the great Alice, the Prophet!"**

**Recognition showed in Drusilla's eyes. "I've heard of you. They whisper of you. 'Treachery! Lies!' You've been a bad girl, using your gifts for your own happiness. Soon they will strip you of what little powers you have left."**

**The expression on Alice's face was unimpressed. "How will it matter where my powers go if the world will end in seven days?"**

"**Three," Drusilla pouted.**

"**I'll bet you one hundred bucks it's seven. BECAUSE I WILL DESTROY THE WORLD IN SEVEN DAYS!"**

**Drusilla stared at Alice. How had she not caught on yet? "Spike is destroying it in THREE."**

**A moment of confusion slipped through Alice's confident façade. But not for long. "Oh. BUT I WILL DESTROY IT FIRST!"**

**Drusilla smiled and reached into her suitcase. "No. I won't let you." She pulled out her travel size weedwhacker that she never left the house without.**

**VROOM, VROOM, VROOOOOM!**

"**WAAAAAAAAH!"**

**An epic chase followed.**

**Alice struggled to run in her ridiculous, medieval torture devices disguised as "cute" shoes and mini mini skirt as she fled from the terrors of spinning wire greased with plant guts. Lucky for her, but not for anybody else here, the Cullen mansion was only a couple houses away. Somehow, she was managing to fail at swinging her arms as she ran. As each fish-netted thigh came up, so did the same arm on the same side. ?**

**Tripping up the steps to the front porch, Alice fell on her stomach and inadvertently pushed the unlocked door open with her very goffik forehead. But how had Drusilla not yet caught up with her?**

"**LEMONADE? Twenty five cents!" cried a little five year old behind a lemonade stand. Drusilla shrugged and fished around in her suitcase for change.**

**Alice ran panting into her house. If only big, strong Edward was here, he would save her. NO! Bad thoughts, Alice. No incest. Clattering into the kitchen she saw that the macaroni and cheese she had stuck in the microwave fifteen minutes earlier was almost done. YAY! But what was that burning smell? Must be a gas leak. Then she heard Drusilla come into the house behind her. OH NOES! She ran upstairs to her (pink, yet very goffik) bedroom.**

**The first thing Dru noticed upon entering the kitchen was the burning microwave macaroni. That would work even better than the weedwacker! She threw the gardening tool on the ground and ran up the stairs with the cheesy tar-like substance.**

**The door to Alice's room was black. It had a skull and cross bones on it. Drusilla kicked it down, making sure to chip the paint job. Alice was looking at a magazine. A Playboy magazine. She got a face full of mac n cheese and somehow dove out the conveniently open window with a squeal. NO! SHE WAS GETTING AWAY! Drusilla ran back down to the kitchen.**

**THUD! There was a loud thud made by Alice accidentally rolling off the side of the roof.**

**In the kitchen, Drusilla looked around frantically. Then, she had an idea and opened the freezer. Aha! She found what she was looking for and ripped open the box.**

**In the act of rolling off the (perfectly flat) roof, Alice had inadvertently skewered herself on the goffik, wrought iron fence. How very sad. She struggled to remove herself from the fence post without lacerating any more major arteries.**

**Dru rushed out the front door with a frozen pizza in hand. Alice hadn't been able to remove herself form the fence post and was clumsily sprinting down the street with the pole sticking out her middle. OH NOES! She was escaping! In a desperate attempt to save the human race from insanity, Dru threw the pizza like a Frisbee. The pizza Frisbee flew and beheaded "pixie" with a SHNICK sound. Alice exploded into a goffik pile of emo sparkles. Except for her head, which was later found by a blind dude who mistook it for a soccer ball and kicked it down a manhole.**

**After that, Drusilla shrugged and left to get more lemonade.**

A/N: MWAHAHAHAHA! Next installment on… *counts on fingers*Monday! No, no wait… *recounts* Tuesday! YAY ME I LEARNED TO COUNT!

Sorry for all the… changes and stuff.

Review, or I will become Goffik and slit my wrists.


	37. Epic Forklift Chase Scene

**A/N: HI! Say hi to a new guest: RILEY! YAY! This chapter was a lot of fun to write. Hope you all like it as much.**

**THE GERBILS ARE COMING!: Why, hello! Welcome to the show! Glad you like it.**

**FAAIL: Well, you like twilight. Good for you, but this was never meant to piss anybody off. Edward also sparkles, which I think is stupid. Jealous of SMeyer? YOUR JUST JEALOUS OF ME COZ I HAVE 135 REVIEWS! We both know that both of the statements aren't true. So, be mature about it. Thank you for wasting a couple of minutes of your life to hate my guts. It's quite flattering. If I write worse than SMeyer (ouch) do you have any constructive advice for improvement? Thank you for telling me how you feel, but next time, don't try to tell me how I feel. Sorry I offended you ****.**

**Epic Forklift Chase Scene**

Hammers, hammers. You'd be surprised to know how many different hammers Lowe's had. But still, it wasn't enough to find the perfect one to bash out Angel's pedophile brains. Hmm. Riley reached out and picked up a fire-truck red one. Now, the advantage of this color was it wouldn't show the blood. How clever.

_Beep, beep, beep, beep_

He ignored the sounds of somebody driving a forklift backwards down the aisle. It was unimportant compared to the task in front of him. Oo! This one had pretty flowers on it.

Behind the wheel of the forklift, Edward smiled. THIS WAS FUN! He should have came to Lowe's sooner. And the beeping was fun.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" someone called from behind him. That voice was kinda familiar. Something about pizza? Déjà vu. He looked behind him and it was a manager. Eew. Garlic breath. Yuck. Humming, he kept going.

_Squelch._

Ooh, pretty noise.

Riley heard the manager shouting, and once again tried to ignore it. Couldn't they see he had a higher purpose? But when he heard the squelch, he looked up. WTF? There was some lunatic driving backwards down the aisle. When did he start doing that? Hey, was that guy okay? Stupid student drivers. Riley couldn't see much of him, but what skin he could see sparkled like a disco ball. Eew.

Edward suddenly grinned. Hey, this was his favorite song! He turned up his cheep-ass two gig sansa.

_My hump, my hump, my hump my hump my hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps!_

Screaming penetrated his headphones. Who the hell was screaming? Was somebody dying or something? Through the dented plastic windshield, he saw some army freak chasing him down with a camoflauge hammer. WTF? Crazy stalker fanboy. Typical.

BOOM!

The cinderblock wall appeared to have blown up as he sailed backwards through it. What lunatic would blow a wall up? Probably army freak up there. He waved and smiled at army freak. But he didn't look too happy. Did someone need a hug?

Riley sprinted after the disco ball with his nice camo hammer in hand. This kid obviously had some issues. He seemed oblivious to the world, too bad for him. Riley would be more than happy to plug his connection back in. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew a hand grenade.

"Hand grenade, I CHOOSE YOU!"

He threw it with all the wrath of somone with greater purpose. Destroy pedo vampires. He could get some practice on disco ball before the real show.

BOOM!

Edward felt the grenade shake the forklift. ? Was someone throwing grenades at him? Why would they throw grenades at him? He was amazing and beatifically sparkly! Hey, was that a DENT IN HIS PAINT JOB?

Riley smiled as the forklift slowed to a halt. The driver leapt out of the seat and took off running. NO! He was getting away! He ran faster, but the disco ball was kinda fast. The air around him blurred as he sped along and put more distance between them. But then he stopped, looking at something on the ground. Small, pink, sparkly… a tricycle?

YAY! Thought Edward as he noticed the tricycle. He had always wanted one of these! He had heard they could go REALLY fast, too! Crazy army freak would never catch him like this!

Quick, Riley thought, how could he catch up? AHA! An abandoned golf cart lay on the side of the road. PERFECT! With a hoot, he leapt onto the seat and started the ignition.

_Vrooooooooooooooooooooom_

_Squeaksqueaksqueak_

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"

An old lady with a walker scooted slowly past their high speed chase. A snail beat them to the stoplight, and they all stopped to wait for the red light. Eventually it turned back to green and they started again.

"YOU WILL NEVER GET ME!" laughed Edward over his shoulder. But OH NOES! There was a manhole in front of him! He hadn't seen it!

"NOOOOOOO!"

He tipped sideways of the tricycle and into the sewer.

HE WAS GETTING AWAY! NO! Riley did and uberawesomecool diveleappirouette thing out the side of the golf cart and gracefully swan dove into the manhole. The training pays off, you know. The splash echoed through the tunnel as he landed on something soft, squishy, and warm. OH NOES! It was a turd! Oh, no, it was just Edward. OH NOES! IT WAS A SPARKLY TURD!

"GET OFF ME, RAPE! RAPE!" Edward squealed.

"EEW! PEDO! DON'T TOUCH ME!" Riley squealed.

This had to end. Fumbling in his pocket, his fingers closed on a cool, round container of some sort. Another grenade? He experimentally bashed it against the pedo's head.

"BAAAAAAW!" cried Pedo.

No, not a grenade. Just the can of canned bread he carried in his pocket in case of emergencies. It clanked on the walls when he flung it over his shoulder.

There was something warm and wet on Riley's hands. Blood. Pedo's nose had broken and spilt blood. Gross. Riley felt like a vampire, like Angel. NO! BAD THOUGHT!

Something was jammed into Riley's eye. OUCH! It appeared to be attached to something, so he broke it off, electing a yelp from Pedo. Oops. There goes your middle finger, wont be flipping me off anymore, ay?

This time, when riley reached into his pocket, his fingers found the grenade with ease. He jammed it into Pedo's mouth.

Crunch, crunch.

"YUMMY!"

BOOM!

Pedo met a sad death as his head exploded. EEW! His brains were splattered all over the place. They squealched down the walls and plunked into the water.

Riley had known he should have gotten the red hammer. His camo one was stained for life. Oh well, it would still do the job on Angel. But first, a shower.

**A/N: I JUST WATCHED THE SMILE TIME ANGEL EPISODE! It was funny. Angel makes a cute puppet **** TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! Flame if you like.**

**Review, or a sparkly turd will come knocking at your door.**


	38. Polish Sausage

**A/N: Yo. Yeah, I'm alive. Busy weekend. Thanks to all the reviewers! You guys rock! THX!**

**I GOT A NEW MP3 PLAYER! Sorry. I like my new mp3 player. It has a spinny button! *spins spinny button***

**Polish Sausage**

"WAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAHA! HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM!" sobbed Bella Sue I MEAN Cullen.

Anya sighed. When would the girls get it? She was a vengeance demon, not a therapist. But, she had to listen to whine session after whine session again and again. Life should be equipped with a fast forward button. Or a mute button.

" I'M SO UGLY BWAAAHA!"

Anya distracted herself with the décor of the room. Smiley face curtains? Rather uninspired. She could bet the baby barf couch was a family heirloom. Bella's uncle Bobby probably died on that lice-nest, judging by the stains.

"WAAAAH! WAAAAA-"

"Yes, yes, _yes_, I hear you, waah and all that good stuff. What do you wish?" Anya cut in.

Bella froze and stared at her. Deer in headlights. Her internal computer wasn't equipped for interruptions. This would take processing.

Anya sighed again. She was sitting on the ugly couch, separated only by a coffee table from Bella. The drama queen in question was wearing a brown button up collared shirt buttoned down past her sadly lacking cleavage to the beginnings of her -4 pack. And über-short shorts, and pink slippers.

"Uh… wish?"

Genius. Pure genius.

"Yes, what do you wish would happen to him?"

More blank. Then she understood. You could practically hear the loose pieces in her head clicking together. "Ooh… Uh… WAAAAAH I WISH HE LOVED ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM!"

Anya slapped her forehead with her palm. Dumb girl. Oo-kay.

"No, no, you see, it's really good for you to wish bad things to happen to ones you love! Good, uh, therapy!"

Bella's face lit up. "OKAY!"

_The next day, after the ever-persistent couple had made up and made out and Bella had left to "talk" to Jacob._

Edward Cullen didn't even look up from the Sunday paper when Anya came crashing through the window. She got up, briskly shook the glass chips off her sweater, and looked Edward up and down. He took a drink of coffee.

"Um, hello?"

The sparkly man in his bathrobe shot a half glance at her. "You know, there's a key under the mat."

"Oopsie."

And he went back to his paper. Whatever. He would start paying attention in good time. She calmly walked over to the (smiley face) mantle and picked up a vase. Upon examination, she noticed something.

"AHH! BUNNY VASE!"

And she flung the elaborately painted Easter vase randomly behind her, where it just happened to hit a certain Edward Cullen. And he just happened to pass out.

Oh. Well then, two birds with one stone.

_A couple minutes later_

Edward slowly drifted back to consciousness. He noticed it was cold. He noticed that the was something hard pressing into his wrists. After much thought, he decided that the hard thing pressed to his wrists was cold. He was proud of himself for making a connection, and made a mental note to remind himself to make a mental note to write that down so he could tell his therapist that.

He opened his eyes and noticed that it was also dark. Cold and hard and dark. LIKE ME!, he thought. Another connection. Soon, he would be almost not psycho. But that would be weird, so he decided not to think of that. Cold and hard and dark. His basement! Genius!

Then he noticed that there was a girl standing above him. She had short red hair, and dark eyes. He didn't like hair that was red. It didn't offer the correct contrast to the pale skin he favored.

"You have ugly hair," he felt obliged to tell her.

"No I don't. My hair is beautiful. Shut up. You don't know anything. Jeez," she muttered, glaring at him. Then she lifted a rather narrow metal object that was a little shorter in length than his hand. It smelled of potatoes. Yum. She pressed it to his forehead and dragged it down in quick motions. Owie.

_An hour or so later_

Edward became aware of a steady plopping noise coming from underneath him. And he didn't feel so hard anymore. And it felt a little colder. Was he naked?

Edward opened his eyes. It was still dark. How odd. Something smelled of blood. Yummy. Beneath him, along with a bucket of what was probably just grape juice, were some peelings of human skin that resembled potato peels. Some poor sucker had been peeled. How sad.

Then he noticed that the peelings were sparkly. And something suddenly made sense.

"NO! NOT MY SPARKLES!"

"Oh, get over it. I'm selling them to the craft store." Anya said, walking back into the basement with a broom and dustpan in hand.

Edward passed out from the horror.

_Several minutes later_

Edward's head seemed to be submerged in a thick solution of some sort. Hey, it tasted sort of like blood. Hey, it sort of tasted like his blood. Hey, so that's what was dripping into the bucket of that he had thought was grape juice.

Hey, wait a minute. He was drowning in his own blood.

_Approximately a little while later_

Edward regained consciousness and hung there of a while. You know, all that torture stuff was making him hungry.

As If on cue, Anya walked in with something on a plate. It smelled yummy. In appearance resembled a deformed polish sausage.

"I made you dinner. Your spleen. With hot sauce."

Well, there goes my spleen, he thought.

"I refuse to consume my own spleen. It's called cannibalism."

Anya smiled. "No, it's not, it's just a spleen. You aren't a spleen, are you? So it isn't cannibalism. There."

Edward thought of this. Her logic made sense. Fascinating. But did he trust her? "Are you _sure_?"

"Absolutely. Why would I ever convince you to eat your own spleen?"

"OKAY!" He watched hungrily as Anya brought the spleen closer to him.

_A few minutes later_

Anya clomped down the stairs to the basement with a pair of safety scissors in hand. Edward smiled at her. "YAY! CRAFT TIME!"

"Yep. You got it," Anya said, and stabbed him in the throat with the scissors.

"Owie!"

And she continued to stab away at his throat. Her victim was confused by this strange behavior, and questioned her until she got sick of his blathering and severed his vocal cords. Then she continued her artwork in peace. Vengeance is so sweet.

After the last strings of sinew that attached his head to his shoulders were hacked apart, Anya looked over her handiwork, smiled, and went home to dye her hair a new color.

_That evening_

Bella walked in. "Honey, I'm home!" But there was no answer. How strange. She walked past the shattered vase and the ugly couch and went down the basement steps. It was cold, dark, musty smelling and the floor was hard. Like Eddie! She would tell her therapist of this at their daily session. Looking over, she noticed that Edward had decided to take his nap without his head today. How sweet of him. He knew she liked her men headless. Oh look: human spleen! With hot sauce! Her favorite! She proceeded to lick the plate.

**A/N: PLEASE REVIEW! Or I will force feed you a pie made of your own hair. **


	39. Whapped

_A/N: Hi! This A/N is italicized, because the bold button went on strike. On a completely random side note, I found a pic online. On it was written:_

"_I know who you are. You're pale white and ice cold…"_

"_Say it…"_

"_ICECREAM CAKE!"_

_It made me LOL. Jeez, the retarded italics thing is giving me a headache. So, anyway, I brought Riley back in this chapter, because I felt like it. So, yeah._

Chapter 39: Whapped

"NOOOO!" Edward screamed, throwing his plate of noodles at the television.

"BRING THE TELETUBIES BACK!" He pounded his fists against the arms of his patent leather chair. But the TV didn't hear him or didn't care, and it went into an infomercial as the sparkly vampire sulked. Why did it ALWAYS cheat him of his viewing pleasure? Yet, the images of the children jumping around happily as the announcer spoke were strangely compelling. He found himself involuntarily leaning forward and stroking his five o'clock shadow thoughtfully.

"Smiley brand guns! With realistic popping noises! Call the number on the screen and receive your first gun for just 19.99!"

Edward was so excited by this that he was too busy digging in the couch cushions in search of his cellular to read the disclaimer: "Gun not real."

_About a week later:_

Edward was mad. Very mad. Bella had told him that if he didn't take the trash out and go to the store so they wouldn't have to continue eating leftovers, she wouldn't give him his "birthday present" that night. How dare she tell him what to do and when he could get his presents? He was the guy. The guys controlled everything. Right? All this and less ran through his discount, singe track mind as he opened the door.

Ooh. A package.

Leaving the door opened, he ran to get a knife. Upon returning he hacked away at the cardboard with his butter knife until the packaging came into sight. Ooh! Shiny. Hey… A GUN!

"SQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEE!" squeed Edward. He hopped around a little. But then he felt this was a cause for a greater celebration than merely shaking his narrow, bony hips all over the living room. So he took his shirt off, and one thing led to another, until he was stark naked and skipping all over the first floor. And yes, the door was still open.

"Hon… what's going on…" Bella's voice filtered from the bathroom, where she was taking a bath.

"…Nothing!" he called back. Then he continued his dance in silence.

Buffy sighed. Another eventless night of slaying. Well, eventless other than that cheerleader digging up out of her grave. Why would anyone want to be buried with pom-poms? Sure, it showed spirit and all, but would you really want to be known as "that cheerleader digging up out of her grave"?

Buffy sighed again, but louder. The trees creaking in the cold wind deemed not to notice, or not to care.

Rustling in the hedges by the sidewalk. Riley again, doing that pathetic sneaking thing of his? Or maybe a demented mutant squirrel? Demented mutant squirrels were always good. Nice and manageable, unlike weird brainwashed boyfriends who carried canned bread around in their pockets and couldn't manage the fact she kicked butt better than he ever could.

Another sigh. And a twig cracking. Fabulous. Everyone, beware mutant squirrels.

"OH NOES! COVER'S BLOWN!

Please tell me that is a talking demented mutant squirrel that just effectively blew its own cover by stating that it blew its own cover, Buffy thought to herself. She turned around slowly. No such luck. A guy stood in front of her. He had pale, grayish skin that kinda… sparkled? Like a freaking disco ball. Was that sweat, or what? Eew. And he had a LOT of hair gel in his longish, light brown, hippie hair. Actually, It almost looked like Angel's. Well, color, maybe, but he had more gel than Angel and Spike put together, and god knows Spike wears A LOT. You know what? He didn't actually look anything like Angel, Buffy decided.

"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, OR I SWEAR I WILL PULL THIS TRIGGER! THIS IS A REAL GUN, I SWEAR ON ZUCCHINI!"

Buffy frowned. "Uh… why?"

"NO QUESTIONS!"

_Pop._

The gun in question was smallish. And, what kinda gun made a popping noise? Hey… Even in the general lack of light, Buffy could see something suspicious about it. It was neon orange.

"YOU'RE DEAD!"

_Pop pop pop pop. Pop._

Now she regarded him with something close to pity. Poor demented sparkly hippie. What a flake.

"You know, that gun isn't real," she said. He ignored her.

"WHY CAN' YOU DIE ALREADY! DIE!" _pop. _"DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!" _poppoppoppoppop_. "IT'S NO FUN IF YOU DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES!" Sobbing, the sparkly hippie brought the fake orange gun to his head. "I JUST CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE ANYMORE! STOP LOOKING AT ME! _pop. _"STUPID F*CKING ORANGE GUN!" He flung it away and fell to a fetal position, rocking.

And of course, this was a perfect moment for _somebody_ to jump in.

"BWAA! Demon!" A familiar voice shouted. Riley jumped out of a nearby clump of bushes, screaming.

_Whap_. He whapped the disco ball hippie.

"NO! THOU SHALTN'T WHAP ME!" _pop._

_Whap._

_Pop._

"DEATH BY ZUCCHINI!" Riley whipped out a very large zucchini and continued to whap.

"Riley?"

_Whapwhapwhapwhapwhap._

"RILEY!"

He stopped whapping long enough to look up at Buffy. "Whadyouewant?"

She rolled her eyes. "Will you stop whapping long enough for me to question him and see if he really is a demon?"

"Sure, honeybuns, just let me stake this demon and then we can talk."

"RILEY?"

He staked disco hippie. Except, he missed the heart and took a couple random stabs before he exploded into the essence of disco hippies worldwide, with a garnish of hair gel.

"What were you saying?"

She rolled her eyes. "Nothing."

"Good. THAT WAS FUN! I'm gonna go find more demons!" He took out a can of canned bread and skipped off. Buffy sighed and continued to walk home, keeping a look out for talking demented mutant squirrels.

A/N: Hi again. Italics button is now on strike, something about not liking being called retarded. It wasn't personal. Jeepers.

Sadly, I am going on vacation for two weeks. Also sadly, I will not have internet access.

Yeah, you got it. Next chapter sometime in two weeks.

Gonna miss you guys and gonna miss checking my email every five seconds speaking of which…

No new messages.

So. BYBY! :'(

I'll still be around tomorrow, though. Feel free to PM/Email!


	40. Doily vs Sparkledick

**A/N: I HAVE RETURNED!**

**THERE ARE A COUPLE IMPORTANT THINGD IN THIS AN. DO NOT SKIP.**

**I AM GOING ON VACATION TOMORROW. WILL MISS YOU GUYS, SORRY I HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN SO SOON. Only a week this time, though, and it's the last one ****then things are back to normal.**

**Thank you to all reviewers, esp to newcomers Love-el-ly Joy and Zani-siri. I would thank you personally, but… I will probably forget and go to sleep.**

**Yep, this is a day late. You have permission to kill me.**

**I'm SO SORRY, Willow(626/101), I luffles you to deathykins (uh… I think I got that from Vera o.O), but… this still isn't the Truth/Dare chappie. I ran into a kink with my time-travelling silly band theory, and… I knew it would take a little bit. ****so sorry… I just wanted this to be really good. You have permission to kill me.**

**This chapter is chapter 40. (It isn't the #40 special, though… that's truth/dare) Because there are only ten chappies left, most suggestions won't be done. ****sorry, but I still need to do fics for Lindsey, Lorne, Andrew, Kennedy, all those characters who I haven't gotten their chance. So basically, LAST CALL FOR SUGGESTIONS.**

**Dearest Back:**

**I have never encountered someone with a screename like yours. Is it an inside joke? Or is it a joke on the people who have Back as a last name? If it is the latter, then that is cruel and namest of you. People suffer through life with that name every day, and it is rude to make fun of them in that way. Because of the heaping evidence against you, The Jury of Breadsticks has deemed you an Avocado.**

**Your writing style is reminiscent of "FAAIL". Are you perhaps related? If you know this delightful cyberstalker, please give her my message:**

**Dearest FAAIL:**

**You are a putrid heap of chemically processed salad that clogs the drains of Britland. Your emails make absolutely no sense, but the creative randomly placed letters and unpronounceable adverbs mildly amuse me. While I am amused, the last seven or so messages were redundant, and they all clogged my inbox and made my computer run slower. I think it would be best if you conveniently forgot my address and found another way to spend your days. I know that willow626 may have some choice words for you. Have a nice Tuesday.**

**Doily vs Sparkledick**

Knock, knock.

"It's unlocked!"

Knock, knock knock.

"Hey! The flipping door is unlocked!"

.

Doyle muttered to himself as he scrambled to open the door for the idiot who refused to open it for himself. Stupid lazy bum. "This isn't a stinkin' house, scumhead, so you can very well open your own goshdarn front door-" he stopped abruptly upon opening to look the man up and down. The visitor was a dude in a poufy blue coat, holding a large cardboard box. A grin was plastered to his face, which was kinda… sparkly.

"Hello, Angel Investigations, 'We help the helpless' and that whole heap of bullcrap," he began, and then took in the stuffing poking out of the holes in the coat, "but we don't give money to the homeless and all that bloody sissy crap, well, I don't, Angel would, the great big pushover, but I won't, I like me drink money, sorry." He paused, but when the visitor made no move to cut in, he took it as an invitation to talk him to death. "And we don't give out free whiskey, y'know, just because I have a cup in hand doesn't mean I'm gonna freakin give it to you, why waste good whiskey on the homeless sparkly douches… I just brought it with me because I wanted to drink it meself…" he took a drink to demonstrate.

The homeless sparkly douche was still standing frozen with the grotesque grin frozen on his features.

"What do you want, Anyway? Coz the filthy couch pillow is more fun to talk at."

The douche raised the box. Inside was a bunch of bikinis.

"No thanks, bud."

With no change in expression, he said, "For your wife."

"Don't have one." Doyle considered this, and took another drink.

"For your girlfriend."

"Don't have one…" Doyle considered this too, and took another drink.

"For your ex-wife or girlfriend."

This made Doyle pause. "Never liked her anyway…" Doyle thought this over, and finished off the glass.

The grin finally faded from the guy's face. Now he looked desperate, as desperate as a sparkledouche can. "But there must be SOMEBODY you want to get naked!"

Doyle didn't comprehend this. "Uh… what?"

Now that the sparkledick had something to make a sale about, he talked as fast as possible, as if Doyle would slam the door in his face. "The bikini dissolves in water, get naked quick, eh? You like? You buy? 99 cents?"

"Let me think about it," Doyle said, and slammed the door in his face. Then he went to refill his glass and talk at the couch pillow.

The next day, at the same time, there was a knock at the door.

"Hey Angel! Answer the door!" Doyle called.

Silence. Then Angel walked in with a long sleeved black t-shirt on and a glass of blood in hand.

"Um… what?"

"Answer the door. You act all high and mighty like your better than us, but you're just a little sissy."

Angel stared at him, not comprehending. "Um… Why don't you answer the door and earn your pay, Mr. 'Imma go have a vision, get a headache, get really drunk, pass out, and go out to celebrate the fact that Angel saved the world without me yet again…" Angel frowned. "So… go answer the door, you… ah… doushebag…" and he walked away, brooding about how bad he was at comebacks.

Unfazed, Doyle walked to the door with a long sleeve Hawaiian print shirt on and a glass of whiskey in hand.

"Why can't you go sell your crap somewhere else, sparkledick?" he asked. "What is your name, anyway?"

"I'm Edward."

"Hi sparkledick. I'm Doyle. Fear me. Rawr. What are you trying to spam me with now?"

Sparkledick grinned and held up a magazine. "Playboys."

"No." And he slammed the door in his face. As an afterthought, he opened it again and snatched the magazine.

"I'm confiscating this by order of… the council of ninjas…" And he slammed the door in his face and turned to find Angel standing over him, glass of blood still in hand.

"Who was that?" he saw the magazine. "Playboys?" he opened the door and ran down the street, despite the fact that it was still semi-light outside. "HEY! SPARKLEDICK! I NEED TO CONFISCATE- oh, shit."

Doyle slammed the door for dramatic effect and proceeded to lock his boss out in the dusk.

The next day at the same time, Doyle woke from his nap to find sparkledick in his face.

"HEY! GET BACK!" Doyle said, and broke the lamp on sparkledick's orange head. This served the dual purpose of self defense and exacting revenge on Angel for leaving him alone at the office (Cordelia went with the sunburned vampire) as revenge for forcing Angel to hide under a porch clutching his playboy until the last rays of the sun set. Oh, and it relieved stress. Whenever you feel under pressure, just hit a sparkledick and all your problems float away.

Sparkledick stood there, grinning.

"What."

"Opened the door myself!"

"Goodie for you. Show me what you're selling so I can slam the door in your face."

Sparkledick held out the box. "Doilies." Inside the box was bunch of disks of paper that had been attacked with a rogue hole puncher.

"Those aren't doilies, they're disks of paper that have been attacked by a rogue hole puncher. Wait… are you stalking me?"

"Yes," said sparkledick, pulling a picture out of his pocket. "I took this picture of you." Doyle got up and snatched the picture from sparkledick.

"This isn't me! This is a blonde girl in a bikini!" he exclaimed. "Is this Paris Hilton? This looks like Paris Hilton!"

Sparkledick looked at him like he was the crazy one. "It is you!"

"No it's not! I DON'T HAVE TITS, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED!"

There was an awkward silence.

"We hadn't noticed, Doyle. Thank you for sharing," Angel said from the doorway.

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Doyle screamed.

The broody vampy frowned at Doyle.

"GET OUT OF ANGEL'S OFFICE/APARTMENT/THINGY!"

The next day at the same time, Doily was walking home from the bar, where he had celebrated Cordelia's zit, which was larger than the state of Wisconsin. Hey—he had to celebrate something, after accidentally seeing Angel on his way back from the shower… minus the clothes. Eeew.

"DOILY!"

Sparkledick was back… with Doyle bobbleheads in his box.

"I HATE YOUR GUTS!" Doyle screamed, and seized sparkledick's head between his hands. He only meant to give it a little twist, paralyze him and drown him or something, but he felt the bone pop and crack through his palms, and then a ripping noise, and sparkledick's headless body thudded to the pavement. Doyle was staring into the eyes of a dead man, still with the stupid grin…

"AAAH I killed it!" He chucked the head through the window of a nearby taxi. Then he caught a glimpse of himself in the window of another car. Blue spikes all over his face…

"AAAH!" He turned himself back to human and rushed back from the bar he had just returned from, chanting: _I am not a demonic bringer of death, I am no a demonic ringer of death, I am not a demonic bringer of death…_

**A/N: Holy crap it's late. Holy crap, I'm late. Aww… crap.**

_**Review or bobbleheads will appear at your windows at night.**_

**Also: I have a new fic up, it only has one review. Please give to charity and help the helpless ;)**


	41. AANTEAANFTOIAANACANI

**A/A/N/T/E/A/A/N/F/T/O/I/A/A/N/A/C/A/N/I/T/M/O/M/S/W/W/D/B/C/V/S:**

**(Announcement Author's Note to End All Author's Notes Following This One Including Announcement Author's Notes and Contraband Author's Notes In the Middle of My Stories Which Will definitely Be Continued Very Soon.) Well, not technically, I guess.**

**Yo. Well, I haven't updated in two months, as you guys have probably noticed. A while ago I had an epiphany that I probably wouldn't have the attention span to write ten more chappies. I kinda feel like I've learned most that I can from this site. It's great to be writing regularly and all, but I need criticism from teachers and pros to be able to become an author like I want to. So I've joined the school creative writing program to get more exposure.**

**BUT I COULDN'T DROP OFF WITHOUT ONE LAST CHAPPIE! ARE YOU PEOPLE BLOODY PSYCHO?**

**So on a brighter note, I am in the process of creating the final chapter of this story. It will be about 3000 words long and contain THE FINAL EPIC BATTLE.**

**I've met so many great people on here, I want to include you guys in this last chapter. ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO BE INCLUDED SAY SO IN A REVIEW! A list of people who have been here so long, they don't even get a say in whether or not they are included:**

**Willow **

**Vera**

**Oh My Freakin' Freakin'**

**Anon**

**Love-el-ly Joy**

**Zany-siri**

**Gerby**

**SeaweedBrain (MyHeroThe)**

**JustinBieber01**

**And there's others too, but some of them haven't been around or something. If I left you out, please tell me! I will still be reviewing other people's stories and being a part of the community, I just want to sink my attention into writing original fiction. I entered an essay contest recently and won first place, and that really made me realize I needed to get out there into the public.**

**So tell me what you think! Anything! And please pm! Remember, one last chapter is better than complete disappearance.**

**And vote on my poll! The present of the Jewish race may depend on it.**

**PM ME OR ELSE**

**-Cele, CeleryRox, Celia, Cecilia**


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